December 15, 2016 at 6:43 pm #122829
I am new to this site and having great difficulty with a break up.
Found this thread really insightful and am now really questioning a lot. I am definitely stuck on #5 though 4-7 are also high on my list.
It is a great idea to perhaps bring this thread at the start from time to time as I have been scrolling through pages and pages until I found this.December 15, 2016 at 8:02 pm #122831
* Dear fazc:
I am glad you found this thread helpful. You wrote that you are having a great difficulty with a break up. Would you like to start your own thread on it? If you do, click FORUMS, Choose CATEGRORY, That would be RELATIONSHIP, click that and scroll down the page.
anitaDecember 17, 2016 at 4:03 am #122921
Thats a very well written post breakup advice. Thank you.
You mentioned in #2 about No contact.
I completely agree with you in theory, although I get incredible urges to stalk my ex on Facebook. I try so hard to suppress it. One part of wants to know what he is upto.
How does one restrain oneself from such triggers?
Love <3January 8, 2017 at 9:15 pm #124900
Sorry for the delayed reply as I was away. I am glad that you find this thread helpful. I wrote simply to understand and help others.
Yes. no. 5, poor self worth, is hard to handle. However, breakup is an opportunity to look deep into these issues that have been sitting in back of our mind for a very long time. If you work through this, you will find yourself and your inner strength to deal with any shit of life. I am happy to give you some guidance if needed.
This is a wake up call for you, don’t waste it.
Good luck Brav3January 8, 2017 at 9:27 pm #124903
I am glad to know that its helping someone. More than happy to explain any point of needed.
No contact rule is a frame on which your healing process stands on. Breaking this rule causes delays or stop the process of healing. If you really want to heal, please understand that it is highly essential for you to not break this rule. And if that means deleting your Fb account or giving up fully then do it. Everytime you break this rule, you reinforce the same loop in your mind that you created when you were with your ex, which will continue to make you stuck in the rut.
So, solution to this is either you fully delete your facebook or never open it until you honestly feel that you are healed. In my case, I deleted my facebook, changed my phone no. and cut my contact with common friends as well.
Your life is about you, don’t stay stuck in the past, don’t make it your jail. I know what it is like when your heart is broken into million pieces and I am saying it to you, time to get up and do things so that you can healed and be a much wiser person. You can do this, you know, you can.
Brav3January 12, 2017 at 1:53 pm #125126
Me as I amParticipant
I am currently going through my first real break up. The reason why I joined this site is because I need help desperately. I feel like im at the lowest point of my life. Worst part is I could engage in no contact for a while because of vacation days but now im back at university and she’s in my class at university, we were put into the same groups for assignments, we carpool together, I am doing an internship at a company she’s at and the guy she’s now involved with is too. At first when we broke up (august 2016) things were extremely bad. She told me she’s choosing to be alone and not to be with someone else. Which I found out wasn’t the case. The person she chose left her or something to that effect and she started speaking to me in the same we used to speak. Later she told me that it’s just the way she is and that she speaks to everyone that way. She told me there’s no hope for a future between us which I couldn’t believe. I still hoped. We stopped speaking for a while until she reconnected with me before new years eve. I met up with her, we spoke. Nothing more. We then started reconnecting as I thought but a few days ago I found out about the guy from work. We had a conversation about it and both said what we wanted to. She apologized and also tried playing the victim but that’s it. Yesterday I had a really bad day as I cut myself off from her when at university. Everyone knew something had happened and I was asked by a couple of people about it and it just broke me down further. I was having the worst day of my life and yet she was smiling at her texts on her phone. I thought I was doing better towards the end of the day but as we were leaving she told us (my friend whom we travel home with) that she’s going to be picked up by this guy today. I felt broken. How could she do this when she knows how badly I’m hurting. All of this has just been too much for me as it’s been going on since August 2016. Alternate waves of happiness and sadness. I haven’t been myself lately. Spoke to my mom about it and it helps when my mother is around but when she’s not I feel intensely hurt. I do want to feel better and move on but I feel deeply attatched and I cannot free myself. Someone please help meJanuary 12, 2017 at 8:01 pm #125137
* Dear Shaheed:
If you are interested in the Original Poster’s input only (that is, Brav3’s input), you posted in the correct thread and I hope he will answer you soon. If you are interested in my input/ other members’ input, please start your own thread: click FORUMS, choose CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS), click Relationships, scroll down the page to the empty box. You can copy the above and paste it there.
anitaJanuary 13, 2017 at 1:48 am #125153
Me as I amParticipant
I will be creating my own thread immediately, I just want to be helped whether its by yourself/others or Brav3. I’ll call it “first real break up” I hope to hear back from someone soonJanuary 17, 2017 at 10:17 pm #125617
Your situation isn’t different to mine. However, the way you are reacting is very different. My ex and I work in same workplace, after breakup she was all laughing and smiling as usual and then told people at workplace that she has a new Bf.
Here’s some tips –
1. This is what you signed up for when you fell for girl in your school or workplace. Accept it now and bear this pain. Don’t run from it as you will make it worse. You can still maintain a no contact by just contacting for study related work only. Not a single word extra.
2. Dude ! Why on earth you want this girl to continue mess up your life? Get up and take charge, if you really want to heal. Cut her loose, just talk only study/work, that’s it. Heal your heart, bro ! you deserve better.
3. The waves will continue for some time. But you will be free, if you work on yourself. Do this exercise whenever you feel pain, close your eyes and bring your attention in your body. Focus on where it hurts the most, chest, stomach of throat. Then take deep breath as if you are breathing in your pain. If you do it right, you will see these waves disappearing.
4. Its time to give your self love and work on your self esteem. Self love is very simple and very difficult thing to do. Do you know how to do it? Its different for everyone.
5. Its good to talk to people who can help you. But remember, also, to let yourself feel pain. Because when you feel your pain fully, then only your healing will begin. So, talk to people, enjoy your things but stop as well and feel it fully. Cry it out and let it pass. It always passes.
Hope this helps.
Brav3July 16, 2017 at 12:37 pm #158392
I thought it was time I made a contribution to everything that has been written on this amazing site.
When I read brav3’s post last year, I thought, “Hm-m-m, that sounds very familiar.” Indeed, it almost matched word for word what I had read before in a practical book written by a practising Russian psychotherapist Andrey Zberovskiy on how to survive breakups.
The book is 200+ pages long, and here is the gist of it. I tried to describe what is meant under each item, but, of course, it is impossible to render all of the ideas and observations. The author would begin each chapter with letters describing this or that situation and then proceed to his knowledge of the workings of the psyche, to his recommendations and to some truths that he was able to derive from his practice. I permitted myself some commenting here and there, but I hope they are easily distinguishable.
The title in Russian is for those who might be able to read in Russian (one can find this book online for free).
Thirty Pieces of Advice If Your Love Story Is Finished Forever
(the credit goes to a practising Russian psychotherapist Andrey Zberovskiy)
(in Russian, «Тридцать советов если ваши любовные отношения закончились навсегда» by А. В. Зберовский)
- If your love is no longer there, leave stylishly, quickly and unambiguously
Basically, the idea is not to procrastinate more than necessary if you know that your love is gone. Make it beautiful so that you have pleasant memories and (if you are the one who leaves) so that your ex doesn’t hold on to false hope and can start rebuilding his or her life ASAP.
- Don’t try to hold on to somebody who has tried to leave you more than once
S/he will for sure leave eventually.
- Know what tricks your mind may play on you during this transition period (depression, apathy, anxiety, obsessive thoughts, etc.)
Remember that it is perfectly normal to feel what you feel. Allow yourself the time to grieve. And don’t hesitate to turn to a doctor and/or medications if necessary.
- Don’t believe that you will never love again
Humans are bound to fall in love (infatuation – coupling – love – children – procreation – Mother Nature).
- Don’t listen to love songs in a language that you understand
The lyrics will trigger painful memories.
Also here: hide the photos where you are together, birthday presents, etc., change the route to work or any other route that you would normally use. Basically, try to get rid of as many things that bring on painful memories as you can. I guess no contact rule (including social media) should be included here.
- Don’t tell others about your love story
The idea is that our brains are similar to computer drives. That is if we keep rewriting and rerecording (retelling in this case) the same story, it will be much more difficult for our brains to forget or to bury the love story under new impressions, new experiences, new emotions.
It is okay to write about it in a diary – it helps some people to process what happened. Talking about it two or three times may work for the same purpose. The key is not to wallow in it longer than necessary. Stop in time.
Learning a new language is an excellent distraction and may work wonders for the brain (and a benefit to you in general – you will be able to expand your circle of acquaintances!)
- Don’t even think about a suicide!
- Convince yourself that what happened is far from being an exceptional tragedy
Look around – how many people have been dumped and under worse circumstances than you! Also, how many people have lost their loved ones forever (to death).
Also, try to recall what you didn’t quite like in your ex – for sure, there was a thing or two that you didn’t appreciate (and that could be a red flag, even a HUGE red flag).
Pity the one with who you parted way.
Become angry with your ex.
- Become better and more successful in life
Here, the idea is not to bring your ex down after the breakup (by denigrating or belittling him or her (or taking any type of revenge on him or her)). The trick is to elevate oneself (careerwise, moneywise, etc.) so that you might not even find him or her attractive from that new position in your life in the long run.
Any distraction will work, such as home upgrade, repairs, new furniture, new layout, new projects at work or anywhere else, change in your outlook, doing something you have always wanted to do (better yet if this was something that your ex didn’t quite approve of)…
- No alcohol (or drugs for that matter)
- Keep an eye on your health after your breakup
You wouldn’t believe how many people get distracted and become victims of car accidents, falls, and so on and so forth. Also, chronic diseases may raise their head because of stress.
- Use positive counterstress to deal with postbreakup stress
Ancient Greeks knew a way: after jumping off a high cliff into the sea, the grieving person would become so frightened that if s/he survived the jump, there was no trace of all his or her love pain.
I recommend attraction parks, especially things like “drop zone” or similar. Basically, anything that you were afraid to do. If you do it now, you may a) heal from your love pain and b) you will be so proud of what you finally were able to do!
- Master some new kind of sport.
Especially extreme kinds of sport (diving, skydiving, windsurfing, surfing, downhill skiing, skateboarding). Equestrian sports are even better because of the animal touch (healing). But in general, everything extreme is good because you will feel afraid and, as a consequence, you will be extremely concentrated on the present moment. Hence no obsessive thoughts about your forsaken love affair.
Also recommended: photography, collecting, model building…
- Don’t sit at home, go mingle
Firstly, because you were so in love, you may have reduced the frequency of communication or even lost some of your friends.
Secondly, if you feel stressed when meeting new people, this stress is manageable and it will be good for you (will take your mind off your breakup).
Thirdly, the more people you know, the more likely you are to meet somebody new.
People are likely to meet and fall in love with those whom they have met when studying, working, enjoying their hobbies and also through their friends and colleagues – a friend of a friend of a friend.
- Undertake a short (up to one month), but interesting trip.
Maybe somewhere where you have always wanted to go, but could not. Now is the time!
Again, new impressions, new faces…
- Don’t be afraid to turn to help if you are being stalked by your ex.
You never know what one can do when under stress, especially if one is under breakup stress…
- Have your behaviour under control, don’t do anything stupid
A revenge, any nasty tricks will only prove to your ex that s/he was right to leave you.
Don’t become a laughing stock for others.
Also here: don’t do anything to find yourself behind bars for any reason.
- If you believe psychics, you are welcome to turn to them
They are good psychologists and will tell you exactly that the breakup is for the good. And you will feel better now that you know that your breakup “was in the cards.”
- No post breakup sex
Enough has been written on this subject everywhere. It will be so much harder to forget your ex, also because of all the hormones released.
- Don’t try to remain friends with your ex
Friendship is ONLY possible IF both partners fell out of love with each other more or less at the same time.
Normally, there is nothing to talk about.
This friendship will be ruined by jealousy of the one who is still in love.
- Don’t follow your ex’s life story
Same idea as in many items above: it serves nothing, feeds your memory AND BESIDES that person is now a total stranger if you two as a couple don’t exist any more.
Remark: it is no coincidence that many people report not recognising their exes, as if the one they loved and their ex were two different people. They are, sort of. After the breakup (and sometimes long before it), the person whom you loved and who loved you is now dead.
- Don’t blame the opposite gender in its entirety
Everybody is different, no generalising. Not every single person cheats, not everybody is a control freak, etc.
Also, your negative thoughts may programme you for the same negative results.
- Don’t look for somebody who is just like your ex
Enough has been said on rebound relationships everywhere.
And no similarity in the physical appearance means that the rebound is a copy of your ex on the inside.
- Don’t count on that your past experience will help you to make your next relationship successful
People are different. Conflicts in relationships are inevitable. Don’t forget to keep checking that you and your new partner are on the same page.
Don’t judge somebody new based on your old experience with your ex.
Don’t look for some hidden message where there is none.
- Don’t rush into a relationship (or even worse – marriage!) only to demonstrate to your ex that you are all over him or her
- Make new friends.
Basically, same as 14.
And it works wonders for one’s self-esteem even if it is nothing but friendship. Besides, you may get some valuable insights into your behaviour, manners, appearance, etc.
- Work on your appearance
Something new to think about (the brain is busy), actions to take (such as go to a hairdresser), compliments as a result, growing self-esteem… And you will be seeing a new you in the mirror!
- Do your homework as regards your previous relationship
There certainly were some unrealised expectations.
- Decide what you want from your future relationship
Don’t be friends “just because.”
Check that you have the same expectations.
Try to be objective.
Try not to invest more than your partner. And as somebody else has said, if something is not given freely, it is not worth having.
If it doesn’t work within the first few months, part your ways – miracles hardly ever happen.
- Don’t joke with love in the future.
The idea is that love (or, rather, the first stage, infatuation) is necessary to bring two people together so that they can form a partnership. If it doesn’t happen, if something is constantly being stalled, if somebody’s needs are not being met, love will eventually evaporate… Love must always be actively worked on by both parties, “maintained” if you will.
* * *
Basically, as you can see, it all boils down to
- Taking care of oneself physically and psychologically (also, not losing hope to find lasting love), doing what one has always wanted to do
- Behaving in a dignified manner
- Creating a controlled stress environment and other distractions for the “monkey mind”
- Meeting new people
I need to acknowledge that my breakup exacerbated what had seemed to be a long-lasting latent mild depression. Walking old places was terrible because I had walked them with the ex and walking new was impossible because I had wanted to go there (and, basically, do almost everything that I had in my plans) with my ex. When I realised that I had no desire to do anything, that everything that I had ever wanted to do now seemed bleak and lacking lustre, when I was becoming indifferent to that or that, I had to ask for some mild antidepressants.
They did help, but I tend to view them (it was a six-month course with the lowest dosage possible) as a final push towards recovery, recovery that would have been impossible without all that reading and ruminating and thinking.
I can compare it to the following. Imagine that you are flying up above in the sky and you see all the grass, trees, animals, rivers, etc. on the ground. You MUST be on the ground, you MUST be experiencing all those smells, touches, feelings ON THE GROUND, but you ABSOLUTELY CAN’T go lower, you are still soaring up above where nothing reaches you, no sound or smell or touch.
Antidepressants helped me to go down, to start being in the midst of what was happening to me below.
And one more lesson that I learnt – trust you gut. As I look back, I can see that my gut told me that something was wrong every single time when something was indeed wrong.
I guess it is only a matter of being really “balanced.” When you are “balanced” and your “centre of balance” is the correct one, you see people for who they really are and are attracted to and attract “correctly” balanced people. Similarly, if you “centre of balance” is distorted, you meet people with similarly distorted “centres,” but neither you nor they see it, because your distorted centres match.
Good luck to everybody!
XJuly 16, 2017 at 1:03 pm #158396
Forgot to add that time does help, but time helps those who help themselves, first of all.
And there is no telling how much time any given person needs. It all depends on the individual.
But eventually, everybody will get there.
And what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.
XJuly 16, 2017 at 3:37 pm #158414
You should become a counselor, or write self-help books. Very wise advice.