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Coping with breakup with someone who has NPD

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #121583
    Heartache
    Participant

    I am writing because I am feeling terrible now. I have just broken up today with my boyfriend who has Narcissistic behaviour. I feel so heartbroken after the breakup even though I know that the breakup is inevitable. I want to stop crying but I just could not do so. I want to stop missing him but I just could not stop looking at his picture, his text messages. I am so crippled now… I dont know why I am feeling this way as I am fully aware that it is better off for me to leave him. I sort of triggered the breakup and he totally pushed for it to happen. I guess I was still secretly hoping that the relationship would work. In my heart I was eagerly hoping he would at least do self reflection and perhaps talk with me to see how we could improve our relationship. I am just so devastated now…I am 40plus and he is 50plus..How is it that two matured individuals would end up this way? I really dont understand. He said that he is loner since young and likes to be alone from time to time. How is it possible for a person who prefers to be alone frequently invited me into his life without giving me due consideration that I would be badly hurt if he were to dump me one day owing to his desire for solidarity? Oh my….my heart ached so much…As I am typing, I am still crying….I really felt so heartbroken….God, please help me…i need strength to overcome this grief…

    #121594
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear heartache:

    You can overcome this grief- you have the strength. It feels so bad, but you will survive this feeling. Not only will you survive this feeling, but the feeling will change. You will feel better, it is only a matter of time, before you feel better.

    You wrote that you know the relationship was bad for you but you still feel a strong emotional attachment to him. When we feel strong emotional attachment to someone, we feel pain when we are no longer with someone. And it doesn’t matter who that someone is, good or bad for us: for as long as we feel that attachment, it is hard to let go.

    Take care of yourself during this time of grieving the hopes you had that he will change, that he will finally be there for you the way you need him to be. Be kind to yourself- take a hot bath, take a long walk outdoors, watch a good movie. Give the grieving time, and post here anytime.

    anita

    #121650
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear heartache,

    At first I will say you cry it out. Just cry it out. Cry as much as you can. Allow your crying to release everything inside of you.

    When you feel you are now a bit ok at least for a moment, come back to the below thread and do as advised.
    (http://tinybuddha.com/topic/help-letting-go/#post-121648)

    I am sure you will cope with what occurred and will regain back control of your life.

    Take care for now,
    VJ

    #121722
    Fazc
    Participant

    Dear Heartache,

    My story is very similar to yours. My heart was broken over 3 weeks now. After 4yrs together he decided that we aren’t compatible and chose a life without me and left.

    The first 2 weeks were unbearable. The pain i felt it was almost too hard to breathe. I just didn’t imagine a life without him.

    This week however, I have been able to breathe. I have noticed that I have been able to control a little better the amount of crying, how much pain I allow myself to feel.

    What I’m trying to let you know is that you must let yourself feel the pain before it can get better. There was a moment there where it truly felt never ending but the fact that I have been able to feel small glimpses of happy feelings and can see a future is such a releif.

    You will heal, you will feel better. I beleive that now. You just have to want to. I have found many articles on this site so helpful. Please read some of them.

    You are not alone in this.

    #121736
    Katie
    Participant

    Hey Heartache,
    How are you doing?
    I’m going through this right now also. Sucks. Been coming for a long time but that doesn’t make it any easier. I would like nothing more than to get a sincere apology and an attempt to be kinder and more thoughtful. To actually feel like I matter to him rather than just getting empty words. But we have no control over their actions and as hard as it is we have to just accept that they’re not the person for us. People love to tell me “it’s better to be alone than be with the wrong person” but I really struggle with feeling like this is true. I think that’s what keeps me going back.

    #121752
    Alari
    Participant

    Heartache,

    Reading your post brought me to tears as I’m feeling the same way as you. I don’t know how to make this pain go away, nor do I know how long it will last. All I know it is debilitating. I hope you found some strength to help you overcome your heartache and are on the road to healing.

    #121941
    Vivian McGrath
    Participant

    I feel your pain. It was the same for me when I left an abusive man. But why is it that the pain of being alone and not with them seems to be worse than being with someone we know is not good for us? For me, this was because my loving an unavailable, abusive man became a form of addiction for me.

    When we first met he was so charismatic. He focused all his attention on me and showered me with love. It was intoxicating. But once he had me, he metered out the dose of the ‘good guy’, whilst starting to show his darker side. So I was desperate to get the good guy back, to feel that high I first felt with him. As the lows got lower and the highs further apart, my self- esteem eroded. In fact, my self-esteem became dependent on when he showed me his love and remorse (which was intense after a bout of abuse). I knew I should leave him, that he was no good for me. But if I did, I subconsciously feared I’d lose the very thing I was addicted to. The very thing I needed to make me feel good again.

    Why was I attracted to a man who was no good for me? Why did I stay when most other women would have run a mile? Why did I become addicted to an available man? That’s because I had little self-esteem. We only attract what we think we are worth. So if I feel worthless, then I attract a man who treats me as such. I didn’t know this then. When we met, i saw a damaged guy. One who was wonderful, but flawed. If I could rescue him, then he’d be that guy who swept me off my feet again. But in my rescuing, I was seeing him as the one with all the problems. So I could deny the fact that I was actually very insecure and with no self-esteem. When I left him a gamut of emotions poured out: pain, anger, loneliness etc. I have never sobbed so much in my life. It was overwhelming and I couldn’t cope with them. So I’d go back to him again and again. Back to the ‘drug’ that numbed those emotions out.

    But like an addict we need to go cold turkey. We need to feel these emotions. To thaw out. As painful as it is, it is healing you. Feel them, then try to understand the root of them. I’d never experienced abuse in my family, I had a happy childhood. But I learnt that my emotional needs were not met as a child. My mother was so controlling, I wasn’t able to have emotions of my own. So I distrusted my gut feelings. Those gut feelings that screamed at me he wasn’t the man for me, but which I ignored.

    I then worked hard to build my self-esteem. Through those painful thawing out days, I did one thing nice for myself each day. I took it hour by hour, if I couldn’t cope day by day. I cried the tears. I felt the pain. And then gradually I healed. And once I found out how to love myself, I never allowed anyone to treat me badly again. I met my soul mate. A man who loves me, is there for me and brings out the best in me. Decades later we are still going strong. You will get through this I promise. Thaw out and look at what the root of your pain is. What attracted you to someone who isn’t good for you in the first place. That way you won’t go back to him or head straight into the next dysfunctional relationship.

    #123546
    Melissa
    Participant

    Dear Heartache,

    I am in a similar situation. I have been married tona man with npd for 23 years. Together for 27. He left me.after i found out he had been cheating on me.for at least 8 years and has now left to go live with his gf whomis 18 years younger than him. I had known there was something wrong but thought it was just that he.needed to be able to communicate better. That if i could just get him to let go emotionally we would have the marriage i felt.we had had in the very beginning before “life happened.” I have now learned that he has npd and i am emotionally addicted to him. Someone with npd cannot communicate or open up. My struggle now is because we have 2 children together i see him.more than i should. I struggle with whether or not i should hang out with him and the kids. He invites me to go places with them. I am told i should not. My feelings in that are complex. One the one hand i feel it is good for the kids (16 & 20, mostly with the 16yo) to see us get along. Then on the other side of it i don’t know if i feel like he deserves my friendship. Deserve the part of me he liked while he abandoned me for the parts of our life he couldnt handle. I know that is on him and in all actuality he gave me a gift by leaving. I will ultimately be better off without him
    That i can now be who i really am instead of someone always worrying about the way he and i should be. So i guess i struggle with forgiveness and feeling the need for punishing him. However it is more difficult.than that because when we are together and getting along it messes with my brain. It will upset me later because i will not understand why he didnt do the work in our marriage. Why was our family not important enough for him to do the work before he started using other women to try to feel better in his life? So then in those moments i feel.like it would be best to just not be with him when he is with the kids. But i go anyway. I need to know why i still go.

    #123559
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Mellissa:

    It seems to me that it is better that you don’t spend time with your ex husband. It is better that your teenagers do not see you uncomfortably-getting-along with the ex. They need you mentally healthy, way more than the appearance of you getting along with their father. So, I wouldn’t join them in their outings and get togethers.

    anita

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