Diksha,

I’m sorry for the confusion and uncomfortableness that you’ve been going through. It can be difficult sometimes to navigate matters of the heart, and you’re quite normal and usual for not being sure what to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

I find it odd that you were willing to put up with someone poking and prodding at your past with such intensity. Mistrust does not promote intimacy, and your dedication to your current boyfriend is commendable. It sounds as though he tries to make you feel ashamed of your past, as though he can ferret out a reason that you’re not lovable. That is simply not the case, dear sister.

Consider that his insecurities have little to do with you, and it is well within your right (and responsibility) to repel his prodding. If I were in your shoes, I would have said farewell to him long before now. He doesn’t seem to do well with his emotions, and would probably be considered by many to be emotionally abusive (at least from y our description). This isn’t to say that jumping away from him toward the new/old boy makes sense either, perhaps there is a middle path where you could jump into your own arms, become the love you seek.

Perhaps if you were to spend some time alone, self nurturing and learning to love the woman in the mirror, it would be easier to separate your partner’s behaviors from what a loving partner looks like. Brene Brown has a great book called Daring Greatly which comes to mind as one that you may find illuminating. You have a tender heart, and it deserves your care and affection. It very naturally closes and feels pain when it is made to feel small for every kiss, prodded with guilt and suspicion. You deserve better than that, and its up to you to tend the garden in your heart. Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.

With warmth,
Matt