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Caught in a whirpool

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  • #43682
    Dee
    Participant

    Hello there everyone!

    I am a girl aged 25 years. Ever since I was 19, I was into relationships. My first serious relationship lasted for four years and I broke up last year because I just could not see any future for us together. At that time I was confused and I almost cheated on my ex but breakup seemed to be right thing to do. We had lot of bitter things between us and it was a real messy breakup. Almost a week later I jumped into another relationship with a classmate of mine (now that i look back, this was just a rebound) to do the things perfectly; to have my perfect romance. And for a while i did have my perfect romance. Things seemed perfect between us. I was too much into this new guy of mine to deal with the mess which i had created and just brushed inside the carpet.
    But two months later, the magic started to fade. The classmate (he is still my boyfriend and we have been together since 1.5 years now) started digging out my past. He checked all my mails without my knowledge; he went through all the chats I had with my friends on social networking sites; even the ones with my my female friends ‘to check my background’. I was appalled by his behavior of his when I came to know about it. Plus he justified his doings saying that ‘he wants to make sure of what kind of girl I am as he wanted to marry me’.
    I was too much into him and bent on making this relationship of ours work so I gave in to all his demands. I recalled and reproduced the details of my last relationships; which no matter how much pain they caused me; he wanted to know. It was painful. He asked me the number of kisses , the times I got intimate, the degree of passion. It hurt like anything.
    He even posed and chatted as a different person to me on a networking site to know the ‘real me’.
    All this because I had a baggage from my past and he did not.
    The things did cooled down a bit afterwards after numerous explanations.
    Six months back, I started with my first job. We agreed on a long distance relationship. his doubts again resurfaced and he started pulling out the excruciatingly painful details of my past again. That left me emotionally drained. I still wonder at myself how I made through that tough time adjusting in a new place with new people and new job and still giving him all the ‘numbers’ he wanted.
    He still says he does not trust me. I had almost given up him and wanted to move away but i could not. When i look back, I see that i have changed so much. I have changed the way i dressed. I have changed the way I talk. I am no longer a member of any social networking site and no longer chat. I have very few friends. In some ways, this has turned out to be good, but some times I feel lonely.
    Now that he is really busy in his work, we seldom get to talk and things are smooth between us. But I am scared that his doubts may resurface and he will do those things once again when he is no longer busy . He is not okay with me being ‘just friends’ with other guys. And I really do not have any. He comments on the clothes I wear to gym and has really not been supportive of me going to places like these. He cannot stand if he hears a busy tone over the phone when he calls me.
    Meanwhile I reconnected with my ex and all the bitterness between us seems to have dissolved. We have been in constant touch in one form or the another.
    But i still do not want to go back to him. It does not feel right. I feel like I am cheating on my current boyfriend every time I have talked to my ex and i do not wish to do it. At times I am optimistic that things will improve in my current relationship believing that ‘this too shall pass’.
    Things already seem good but I am scared to go through the rough patch again. Should I leave my current boyfriend all together? I still love him so much. But I also feel the need for some ‘single time’ after all these emotionally roller coaster years.
    Is leaving him the right thing? Is this the way out? What should I say to him?
    Please guide me.

    #43813
    Dee
    Participant

    Anybody…..somebody……please guide.

    #43816
    Matt
    Participant

    Diksha,

    I’m sorry for the confusion and uncomfortableness that you’ve been going through. It can be difficult sometimes to navigate matters of the heart, and you’re quite normal and usual for not being sure what to do. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    I find it odd that you were willing to put up with someone poking and prodding at your past with such intensity. Mistrust does not promote intimacy, and your dedication to your current boyfriend is commendable. It sounds as though he tries to make you feel ashamed of your past, as though he can ferret out a reason that you’re not lovable. That is simply not the case, dear sister.

    Consider that his insecurities have little to do with you, and it is well within your right (and responsibility) to repel his prodding. If I were in your shoes, I would have said farewell to him long before now. He doesn’t seem to do well with his emotions, and would probably be considered by many to be emotionally abusive (at least from y our description). This isn’t to say that jumping away from him toward the new/old boy makes sense either, perhaps there is a middle path where you could jump into your own arms, become the love you seek.

    Perhaps if you were to spend some time alone, self nurturing and learning to love the woman in the mirror, it would be easier to separate your partner’s behaviors from what a loving partner looks like. Brene Brown has a great book called Daring Greatly which comes to mind as one that you may find illuminating. You have a tender heart, and it deserves your care and affection. It very naturally closes and feels pain when it is made to feel small for every kiss, prodded with guilt and suspicion. You deserve better than that, and its up to you to tend the garden in your heart. Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #43817
    Dee
    Participant

    Thanks a lot Matt!

    It feels so good to hear from you. It feels so nice to read that I deserve the same kind of care and affection as anyone else.

    I am not able to distance myself from him but in bits and pieces, I have started this journey of becoming my own love. I hope it all goes well.

    Thanks again!

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