Hi V,

Yes, your early years and your family absolutely shape you. But so does your natural makeup. Some people are just born more sensitive (which can manifest later as anxiety).

Best,

Inky

Dear V:

If I understand correctly, you are a student living at home with your parents and brother, you have “an amazing boyfriend” and your “relationship is fine”, but you suffer from rOCD, not as intensely as you did before, but still.

About six or seven months ago, your home and school related anxiety went up and you distanced yourself from your boyfriend, you “threw a wall up as I felt like no one would ever be able to understand my situation”. After that,  your boyfriend told you “that he was conflicted and didn’t know what he wanted”. After he told you that, you “went into a meltdown mode”, worrying greatly, a worry that was “intense and incredibly debilitating”.

You then experienced a week break from this intense worry, “a week of clarity” where you “felt connected to him”. After that week the rOCD symptoms started: you “felt as if I didn’t love him anymore”, that feeling and thoughts consumed you, you googled a lot for answers and became physically sick. Currently you feel better, less obsessed (“I don’t read into small things anymore”), but you are left “with a murky feeling”. You are fearful of your future with your boyfriend and that fear makes you want to pull away from the relationship.

Childhood history: you suffered from “separation anxiety towards my mother” that was most intense when you were a toddler, 11 and 15. If she didn’t come home on time or answer the phone, you feared that she was dead and, “I’d start to plan my life around this scenario”

Your parents “never really had any time or affection to share with each other”. Your father was “incredibly aggressive” to your mother, and he was incredibly aggressive to your brother until your brother got chronically ill. Both your parents were distressed over a lawsuit of some kind for a long time and that distress affected you (about 6 years old) and your brother. At that time your father became chronically ill and is currently a double amputee. At the time of his recent amputation, 11 months ago, your distress increased and that is when you distanced yourself from your boyfriend.

My input:

1. When fearing that your mother will leave you (die), your reactions was: “I’d start to plan my life around this scenario”. When fearing that your boyfriend will leave you, your reaction was to … plan your life around that scenario by no longer feeling love for him. No love= no pain when he leaves. This preparation is in the heart of rOCD.

2. Your anxiety is a lifetime part of your life so far. It started early on, when you were a toddler and is still ongoing. At times it was focused on the idea that your mother may be dead, at other times it was awakened by your father’s aggression toward your mother and your brother (aggression always scares children… and adults), at a time it was about moving (as a result of the lawsuit), and yet at other times it was focused around illness, your brother’s, your father’s .. your own when you were sick.  You were anxious to observe the loveless marriage of your parents, the absence of love and comfort. Then there were school anxieties, and relationships problems, here and there.

Even if your rOCD disappears completely, gone is that murky feeling, anxiety will still be there. At times it is intense, at other times less intense, and yet, at times, the brain takes a much needed break from the ongoing upset, and there is calm. But the calm doesnt stay, anxiety is back sooner than later.

This is why it is important for you to plan on moving out of your parents’ home (if you are still living there), to remove yourself from the sources of your anxiety, the aggressor himself, and the reminders of your very distressing, scary childhood.

It is also very important that you attend quality psychotherapy to learn skills to lower your anxiety and function better and better in life. Lowering your anxiety, learning new skills and improving those you have (ex. being assertive), are long term goals and will benefit you greatly.

3. Regarding your relationship: if your boyfriend is not at all aggressive toward you or others (you don’t want to witness it like you witnessed your father’s aggression toward others), if he is honest with you and kind, then continue the relationship. Share some of your anxiety with him but not too much, so to not overwhelm him. It is often a mistake young women do (and some older women), thinking that if they tell their boyfriend everything, then he will take all that information in, process it and come up with the solution. But what happens instead, is that the boyfriend gets stressed, overwhelmed and he may want to get out of that distressing situation.

So share in moderation, don’t pretend to be happy-go-lucky when with him, tell him the truth, but don’t go on and on about it.

And do prepare for a possible ending  of the relationship with him, simply because most romantic relationships do end. Prepare by focusing on your studies, on making an independent life for yourself, that is,  being financially able to support yourself. Attend therapy, maybe yoga, tai chi, practices that are calming and increase Mindfulness.

If you would like to tell me what you think/ feel about what I wrote so far, I will be glad to communicate with you further.

anita

Dear V:

I suffered from OCD since a very early age, diagnosed with it later on. ROCD is a term that was coined later, I don’t know when, and it may be internet related because the behavior includes googling and there is a community of ROCD people as well as HOCD who do post a lot.

You asked for tips:

1. Don’t google ROCD, don’t google anything related to it. If you are suffering from rOCD, then the googling itself is a compulsion, the C of the OCD. No matter how compelled, resist the compulsion and don’t google.

2. If your relationship is indeed healthy, if the two of you are honest and kind to each other, then focus on these Values: honesty, respect, kindness and not on your Feelings. Appreciate these things about him, take in that good feeling of knowing he is honest with you, respectful and kind.

3. In any relationship between two people, the two don’t always feel love for each other. In all romantic relationships it happens that the person notices… no love, no affection, and instead there is a distance. This happens because feelings are not permanent. They are like the weather, sometimes it is rainy, at other times the sun shines, and it changes. So let the feelings be, don’t try to force a feeling any more than you will try to force the weather to be a certain way.

4. When a person suffers from significant anxiety, and particularly OCD, the person gets scared of this and that or the other thing, different things at different times. A thought can be scary, and often is when one suffers from OCD. As I wrote above, in any romantic relationship, sometimes a person doesn’t feel love for the other. A non OCD person doesn’t get alarmed. But an OCD person gets alarmed: oh, oh, I don’t feel love for him.. what does it mean? Is it over? Will I ever feel love for him? .. And so forth.

Therefore, I suggest you talk sense to yourself when you are engaged in rOCD thoughts, repeat to yourself what I italicized above.

-And post again anytime you want to.

anita

Dear V:

You are welcome. You asked about “any other strategies as to finding the root cause of these thoughts?”- my answer: your fear as a child in the home you were born to, your father’s aggression was no doubt perceived as danger by the young you (“My father used to be incredibly aggressive”).

In addition to his aggression both your parents were anxious and distressed for a long time (“My parents were always in court.. I was only 6… this had traumatised my parents.. who are all still effected by it over a decade later”)- a child witnessing her parents very distressed for a long time perceives it as danger, because distressed and disturbed parents don’t seem capable of taking care of the child.

At this point you live with your parents and your father is recently a double amputee, this very recent development, maybe increased your anxiety.

You mentioned a professional- as you can see, it is quite easy to figure out root causes when they are clearly there. But the strong emotions involved in those root causes, for you, these cannot be … resolved in communication here. It will take a long time in the context of quality psychotherapy to do that. You will need to sit face to face with a capable, empathetic therapist who you trust, over time.

If you want to share with me more about your current living situation and the reason that moving out is not an option, please do. It is perfectly fine with me if you choose to not share and not answer any of my questions otherwise. I do wish you well regardless.

anita