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  • January 20, 2014 at 5:27 am #49396
    teamoi
    Participant

    Hello thank you for reading
    I just wanted to ask you guys how to deal with change with people. I have changed a lot of who I am lately yet sometimes I am afraid to show those close to me how I have changed because they don’t react well to my change. They will still try to put me down and when I stand up for myself they will treat me like I use to be and laugh at me standing up for myself. They remind me of how sensitive I am and when I say I dont really care about something they remind me how sensitive I am and say “we know you” they will sit and remind me of my past and everything that has happened to me in the past
    So my question is how do I deal with friends and family’s reaction to my change , I don’t know how to respond to them anymore! please help 🙂
    Thank you

    January 20, 2014 at 7:51 am #49403
    Matt
    Participant

    Teamoi,

    Consider that change takes time, and often people are resistant to it. When you stand up for yourself, you’re creating a boundary, expressing a desire. “Please don’t talk to me like that, I don’t like it.” But the friends see the old you, expect you to be the same, but that is just outdated clinging in their mind. So they try to laugh and ignore the boundary. That is very normal, their clinging to the old is normal, and you’ll have to be patient with them, and maintain those boundaries. Said differently, it will take them some time to adjust to the more assertive version of you, but over time they will.

    I have a friend that was like that. In highschool, he was the butt of many jokes and bullies. After college, a stronger version of him came back, and startled us all. We would pick on him, but he kept expressing his dislike of it, and we stopped. After all, it wasn’t very funny when he wasn’t laughing with us, and simply stood resolute in his confidence and unwillingness to play the old game. So, we found new ones that he enjoyed as well, but it took a while for us to see, accept and grow alongside him.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 20, 2014 at 9:08 am #49406
    memm
    Participant

    Consider that you might be trying too hard to “prove” that you’re changing or have changed. It is for yourself that you are doing this, nobody else, therefore no proof to anybody except yourself is necessary.

    When you feel good about yourself and how you’ve changed, what other people say doesn’t matter so much anymore. Instead of feeling that their comments have hit a nerve, you can laugh it off as something ridiculous. If you feel that you have something to prove, consider that perhaps your changes are not for the right reasons.

    It might take the rest of your life to try and prove something to other people, they might never listen and they don’t matter.

    Remember who you’re doing this for: you.

    People will see the changes then, otherwise people will only see how you’re trying to prove the changes.

    January 20, 2014 at 3:10 pm #49427
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Teamoi,

    People put those around them in certain roles and that is how they order their worlds. when someone makes changes and decides to step outside that framework, the people around them can seem negative or can ignore or minimise what to you is a big, important and positive change. They don’t want you to change because it means that they will have to accommodate that change. Continue with becoming the wonderful person you are and fulfilling their potential and brush of their “I know you” with a “You know how I used to be”.

    You don’t have to prove your changes to anyone. You only have to live your life honestly and follow your own path. It may be uncomfortable for a while and frustrating for both you and those around you. The one’s who love you will let you fly, the one’s who don’t will let you go. xxx

    January 21, 2014 at 4:17 am #49462
    Lindsay
    Participant

    You also might need to reinforce those boundaries. I don’t know the tone of these friends/family relationships, so it’s hard to give advice. I think you standing up for yourself is good. And when they say stuff like “we know how you are,” you can respond with a simple “I don’t like it. I’ve asked you to stop.” Like Matt said, you might need patience to let them catch up to you. They are set in their “normal” mode and it will take a while for this to become the new normal. However, you should be prepared if they get particularly mean or really cross a line. You may need to walk out. Don’t storm out in a huff or yelling. Just a simple “Look, I’ve asked you numerous times not to say that to me anymore. I’m leaving. I’ll see you guys next week.”

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