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Change is Scary

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  • April 6, 2015 at 6:46 pm #74984
    sean
    Participant

    My wife and I are seperated only 3 mos. We hAve been married 5 years. Before that I was married to the love of my life for 17 years and had three children. She died of Cancer, and I married my current wife 6 mos. after her passing. I gave up everything and sold my house, uprooted my children to move to be with her. Understandably, my children at the time were in no emotional condition to be yanked around like that so they moved back to live with their grandmother. The guilt and shame that I carried around with me for 5 years was a toxic stew that was boiling inside of me. I projected those feelings back to my wife and tried to blame her for our unhappiness. It took 5 years of threats of leaving her for me to finally actually follow through with it. I’ve moved back home to try to repair my relationships with my children and my family, (who thought I was crazy to get married so soon after my first wife’s death). I’ve been back almost 3 mos. and things are slowly improving with my kids and family. What I am heavily struggling with is my wife’s unwillingness to want to reconcile. I feel as if it’s not too much to ask that she join me here while I try to make things right with my kids. Afterall, I gave up everything to move and be with her, at the expense of losing neatly everyone I loved. In my heart I know it would be wise to just end it and let it be a life lesson, but I love her immensely and feel we are “soul mates”. Slowly I feel the death of our relationship nearing and it seems there’s nothing I can do. I’m trying to focus all that energy on my kids but I just can’t put her down. It’s consuming me.

    April 7, 2015 at 4:26 am #74997
    Will
    Participant

    Wow, this is tough. It sounds like you’ve finally taken responsibility for your own actions and your unhappiness by moving back to be with your family. That must have been a tough decision. And now you’re stuck between your family and kids, and the woman you still love.

    You don’t say much about the circumstances of the break-up. How did she respond? What is her attitude towards your family/your children? You say it doesn’t seem too much to ask of her to join you, because you did the same when you first got married. The difference is, when you first got married, you were mad in love and didn’t have 5 years of projected “toxic stew” sitting between you.

    I can’t read her mind, and I don’t know much about the situation, but I can think of reasons why she wouldn’t want to move house to be with you after you left her. You know how hard it is to leave your life behind. And she has no promise of rainbows and bunny-rabbits if she does move. She’s likely looking at a lot of processing, possibly awkwardness with your family and kids, and the repair of a relationship she might already think of as over.

    You had a very tough decision to make. Now that you’ve made the choice, it’s hurting. I think that was inevitable. Allow yourself time to grieve and regret, but work on building your new life, based on the choice you made. I hope it works out for you.

    April 7, 2015 at 6:04 am #75001
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi seanbon,

    The first thing to do is to get rid of “it’s not too much to ask” mentality concerning your wife.

    You moved house and remarried way too soon/suddenly. Then you made threats for years to leave. You did. Now you want her to move house.

    Why would she? In all seriousness, I can see why she wouldn’t.

    The best thing, the easiest thing, would be to live with your kids until they’ve all “launched”, whether that be college or in their first apartments. I would wait until the youngest is 22/23 myself, to make up for all the past instability. Give them some years of “stable”. If your wife wants to move and be with you guys, great! If not, it’s still good.

    Then, sell the house and move back in with your wife. In the meantime, love her from separate houses. Go to counseling. Date her. Don’t call a divorce lawyer. If she serves you divorce papers, accept it.

    To Stability,

    Inky

    April 7, 2015 at 10:13 am #75022
    sean
    Participant

    Thanks Will! Thanks Inky! Let’s go have coffee.

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