There’s this girl I’ve known for a very long time. All my life I never saw her as anything more than a friend (she wanted more than friendship but I never noticed. There were two cases several years apart where I was told she had feelings for me in front of her and both times she blushed heavily and flusteredly [not even a word] said she didn’t. Both times it raised some interest in me but I quickly forgot about each incident the next day.)

One day I started noticing her body and how womanly it was becoming. All of a sudden I got hit with this rush of feelings for her I never felt before. I wanted to marry her, have children and live a happy life. Each day after that I started wishing she would notice me as more than a friend. (As stated before little did I know she’s be wanting me for a LONG time.) Shortly after I started noticing her I was with a group of friends including her and we were just lounging and chatting and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. My heart was pounding and I wanted to rush over to her and just make love in front of everyone. Next thing I know we all start talking about relationships and which one of us out of the group likes the other and she started teasing her best friend. At that moment her best friend blurts out “she’s had a secret crush on you for a long time!” He face instantly turned red as a rose and she rushed off in a mix of anger and embarrassment. On the outside I was shocked but on the inside I was jumping for joy.

I found out that the reason why she never conveyed her feelings for me was because she thought I was in love with another girl (one of her best friends) and she didn’t want to get in the way of that. After the day I was told she liked me we got really close. We started hanging out a lot and did bf&gf things but we never labeled each other as a bf or gf. We just flowed into it. Our feelings for each other were growing strong and fast, never in my life have I wanted to impregnate and marry a girl more than her. Until one day I realized that she wanted the same and for some reason it scared me. I wanted commitment but I shook in my boots when I knew she wanted the same. What sort of led up to this strange fear is how attached she was becoming to me. I wanted to be around her 24/7 but I didn’t like it when it was vice-versa among other things I wanted but grew fearful of once I learned she wanted the same.

I ended up just cutting her and everyone else we mutually talked to off and disappeared. Now I want her back and she wants me because we never ended things in her eyes. The thing is during our time apart I decided I no longer want a specific something that she wants. I’m pretty much no longer the guy she fell in love with and she doesn’t know it yet. I want her but I’ll have to become the old me in order to please her. The new me will scare her away. The new me will attempt to break her down and build her up in the way the new me wants her to be. The thing is I can’t bring myself to change who she is to please me and I don’t want to become someone I no longer am in order to please her.

I’m thinking of just forgetting about her and moving on with my life but in the back of my head I know I can’t. It hurts me thinking about her being with another guy, her having children with another guy etc. I want her so badly but she’s just too good for me and she doesn’t know it. :/

Not even sure what advice I need here lol, I just needed someplace to vent anon. Thanks for reading my stupid mess.

• This topic was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Micah Samuels.