July 6, 2018 at 6:44 pm #215735MaeParticipant
About a week ago my ex-reached out to me on social media. He was my first boyfriend, first real heartbreak, first love and I was very apprehensive about even replying, but I gave in because I think I wanted to see if there was still something there. Every relationship after him (3 yrs of no contact) never felt right and he would always in the background of my thoughts in every new fling. After him, it was also very hard for me to allow people to love me… I would end up sabotaging the relationships by pushing them away before they even got to like me. Kinda to end things before they left me. So essentially he invited me to meet up with him and we talked, went back to his place and he finally apologized for hurting me three years ago, honestly that was the everything I needed at that moment… but I think we crossed the line, he informed me that he had just broken up with the girl he left me for (they dated for 2 years) a week ago and said he was single… he never said he missed me or wanted me back or anything.. I never communicated that to him either but we ended up kissing and partially hooking up, but I stopped in the middle of it because I kept thinking about his ex… since then we’ve been texting and hanging out/ hooking up occasionally until yesterday. I called him for the first time and we spoke on the phone, I realized I have a hard time trusting him and talking to him. Every time he compliments me I feel like he doesn’t actually mean it, I think about the ex he is kinda disrespecting right now like he did to me (he broke up with me and immediately started dating the girl the next week). In my mind, I’ve made this story up that as soon as we both leave at the end of the summer he’s going to get back with the girl again and I’m going to look stupid. At the same time I don’t love him anymore romantically… or I’m scared to love him again he say’s things like “maybe it was the right person wrong time” and it makes me cringe… because I kinda wish it were true but I just feel like letting him in again would be bad for me. I will always love him, and I want him present in my life but in a way that I can feel comfortable about things like new girlfriends, and etc. How do I communicate this with him without having him get out of my life for good again? we just started again and I feel like I’m already sabotaging it by overthinking… what should I do?July 6, 2018 at 7:28 pm #215737KathleenParticipant
It seems you already know the right thing to do, is that correct? You are aware this relationship is no longer healthy, you know that he JUST broke up with his girlfriend of TWO years and is emotional about it, and you know he is using you. I know you don’t want to lose him again and I know your relationships for the past three years may have been unfulfilling, but you finally have gotten the closure you needed: an apology. Getting sexually involved again was not the thing you needed, and you know this because you actually thought of your ex when you guys first almost hooked up!! Sexually and emotionally, you really don’t need him, and you got the apology you wanted.now you can completely, fully move on and fine someone who 1) Wants to date you because they are emotionally ready, not because they are rebounding 2) appreciates you for all that you are, doesn’t take you for granted, and respects you 3) doesn’t play games, doesn’t act selfish, and puts you first. You deserve all of this. You might be lonely, you may be feeling regrets, etc. But he is using you, and this is the truth. He is being selfish and doesn’t want the best for you. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Tell him gently that you’d love to be in his life but cannot be involved romantically or sexually. Go spend time on YOU. Go out with your friends, stay home and take a relaxing bath, start a new hobby. Get your mind off him, invest in yourself, and the right man will soon come your way. If you believe you deserve better, then better will come. Good luck!July 7, 2018 at 4:24 am #215761AnonymousGuest
You wrote: “I want him present in my life but in a way that I can feel comfortable.. How do I communicate this with him?”
First, how to not communicate with him: in a previous thread you wrote: “I feel that (sex) is the only thing I have to offer and the one thing I think will make them stay”
I believe that for your own well-being, it is a good idea that you no longer initiate or otherwise participate in sexual activity for the purpose of making any man stay with you, for the purpose of offering something of value to the man (the value of using your body for sexual pleasure).
This what-not-to-do will make it possible for something good to happen with a man, if not with this one, then with someone else in the future.
Therefore, this is my answer: have conversations with him, share about your thoughts and your feelings. Ask about his. Tell him what would make you feel comfortable.
* If he (or any man) is not motivated to listen to your thoughts and your feelings, to what you value, what you care about, if he doesn’t respond to you empathetically and respectfully, if he doesn’t ask you questions so to learn more about you, then better not have anything to do with him.
anitaJuly 7, 2018 at 7:41 am #215781InkyParticipant
Trust your instincts on this one. Your instincts, by the way, are SCREAMING at you not to get involved with him again. Sure, he may say all the right things, but your gut is telling you what is actually happening here.
InkyJuly 7, 2018 at 10:32 am #215799ColleenParticipant
i saw your thread just as I’m dealing with same issue, my head knows what’s right, but because we have so much history being HS sweethearts I feel The attraction , but I tolerate the rudeness and my self worth for what? Good lord sometimes I feel Like that insecure 16 yr old again, how did they steal our power away? How did they feel it was ok to just show back up as if they were Gods gift, all came down to weakness! Doing my very best to not let heartache overshadow my head this time and time will help!
hope your ok !