Codependency/ staying sane when loved one returns to abusive relationship

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This topic has 12 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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October 11, 2016 at 4:32 am #117761
Charlie
Participant
Hi everyone,

I have a best friend who I consider to be my brother, and he considers me to be his best friend and sister too. For a bit of background, he had a horrible childhood. His mom completely abandoned him and his older brother when my friend was 4 and went on to have several other kids, all of whom she abandoned as well. My friend grew up very poor with his father and brother. His father was a raging alcoholic, there was never food in the house, my friend was terrified, his brother was feeding my friend heroin by the time he was 12. Somehow my friend grew up to be a good stable person and has not touched drugs or alcohol in 13 years. He is in his early 30s now and is the kindest, most genuine, sincere and caring person I know. He has pretty much nothing to do with his family now and considers me to be his family, except….

About a year ago, a seriously unstable half-sister entered into his life. I posted about it here so won’t go into too much detail again. But basically she treats him like crap, makes fun of him, for some reason she moved to his old neighborhood and befriended his childhood friends who my friend wants nothing to do with (through my friend’s older brother), she is a drug addict and dabbles in prostitution, she lies, etc. Her actions have torn up my friend over and over again and he knows she is bad for him. He will stop talking to her for a couple months but then he will get a sappy letter from her begging for him to come back into her life, and he will feel guilty and go back. I think he is still holding out hope that someone in his family will love him the way he deserves, but I know that unless this girl makes some SERIOUS lifestyle changes, it will not happen through her.

Whenever he starts talking to her again, I get so upset. I keep a strong facade for my friend and the other people in my life, but I get so torn up and hurt, and I worry that she will destroy him, and how much longer this will go one. I can barely concentrate at work. He knows how I feel about her and he’s asked me for my opinion, and every time I say I don’t recommend going back, but he does. I want to tell him how much it hurts me, but I realize that this is probably a very codependent statement. Do any of you have thoughts on how to stay sane when a person you care about deeply continually returns to an abusive relationship? Do you have any thoughts about telling a loved one how much it hurts you? Is it even fair to tell them this?
- This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Charlie.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Charlie.
October 11, 2016 at 4:51 am #117763

Inky
Participant

Hi Charlie,

For Him:

Tell him that This is what Holidays are for. God created Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for us to put up with dysfunctional family members “because they’re family”. When she writes him a sappy letter he should reply, “Great to hear from you! See you at Thanksgiving!” When he sees her in person, unless it’s to carve a turkey, he should say, “Great to see you! Got to go!” If he doesn’t see her on holidays? He can visit her three times a year ~ anyone’s limit for extended family. This is how he can practice boundaries.

For You:

Don’t feed the dysfunction. Tell him what you told us, or even show him this post. Only do this once. Then tell him that it disturbs you so much you don’t even want to hear her or talk about her. By withdrawing your support, when he is with you, he will only live in normal reality. He will see for himself which reality he prefers.

Blessings,

Inky

October 11, 2016 at 10:12 am #117782

Charlie
Participant

Thank you, Inky. I like to think that I’m stronger than I am and that I can remain detached and unaffected like I’ve always done with other relationships before, but this one is different and really hurts. I feel like I can’t pretend that I’m ok with it all and everything will be ok.

October 11, 2016 at 8:20 pm #117868

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Charlie:

If this relationship is too distressing to you, ongoing, for a long time, you may have to end it. As much as you care for your best friend, if the friendship bothers you so much, then it is no longer beneficial for you to carry on the friendship.

anita

October 12, 2016 at 4:29 am #117884

Charlie
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your thoughts as always. I understand where you are coming from. I do get a lot of joy out of the friendship and want to keep it for now. He is otherwise a super positive person. We talk almost everyday and the vast majority of the time, he is all laughs and sunshine. I might just be extra upset because a week or so ago he told me some really bad stuff that happened to him when he was young, then a few days ago he says he started talking to his crazy sister again. I spoke to him on the phone last night and, I don’t know if this was the right thing to do, but I told him it hurts me a lot to think of him being treated so badly and to have seen him hurt so badly by this sister recently, and that I worry he will be hurt again, and I won’t be strong enough to help him through it, and I started crying a little. I think he felt really bad that he made me worry so much. I just hope I didn’t put too much extra weight on his shoulders. He assured me he is stronger now and isn’t going to be emotionally involved this time and has very low expectations so I shouldn’t worry.

October 12, 2016 at 5:38 am #117886

Kath
Participant

Hey Charlie!

I’ll just give you my very personal opinion. Seems like you’ve been caught up between your friends codependent behaviour and your own …
I think it is completely ok to tell him that it hurts you to see this and what you think about it – because you care, and that is what friends are for. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine and you can stand by what you think.
However, as obviously shitty as the situation sounds, as a friend you also have to respect his decisions. Don’t fall into the trap of controlling/manipulating his life, even if you only wish the best for him. You will only create a new codependency. He is a grown man, and he needs to learn healthy interdependance – getting your honest opinion, and making his own decisions and mistakes if needed.
At the same time you might want to look into why this triggers you so much, and how your friendship is constructed… do you take on a “healer” or “helper” position very often? Do you want to sustain the friendship by being needed by him? Can YOU draw healthy boundaries in terms of letting things go that you cannot change or that are not your responsibility? (Btw that does not mean you don’t care).

A lot of projections of my own stuff again here, so feel free to dismiss this if I’m off.

October 12, 2016 at 6:22 am #117893
Charlie
Participant
Hi Kath!

Thank you so much for your input. I forgot to mention in my previous post that I did also tell him last night that I’m not upset that he opened the door to her again and rather, that I’m glad that he is making decisions on his own after considering what is best for him. I didn’t know if I was still coming across as trying to be controlling by saying, in the same conversation, that it makes me so sad and worried, especially everything he’s been through already. I’m glad that you warned me about the controlling trap, though. I’ll be extra careful that I don’t create that.

Yes, I do take on the healer/helper position pretty often, but only recently since this sister came into his life, really. We were best friends before this, but in a way I think it brought us closer because whenever he would get so hurt, he would call me. He always tells me that he wants to be there for me too, and I can tell him anything, but truth be told I don’t have a lot of issues on my own. I grew up in a pretty well-off family that was very loving and comfortable. Any issues that I have are very trivial compared to his and I don’t want to dump stuff on him when he has so much else in his head. Also, because my life is so comfortable otherwise, I think it makes me feel even guiltier for getting upset about this. I think I must be so spoiled that I get so upset by something that doesn’t even directly involve me.

I think you are right that I need to learn how to let things go that I can’t change. I’m nearing 30 and I’ve never been one to get caught up in drama. I don’t know why I’ve let this get to me so much. I think I just need to focus on staying cool.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Charlie.
October 12, 2016 at 7:21 am #117903

Kath
Participant

At the same time, don’t worry or overthink too much! Your emotions are totally valid! As long as they don’t get out of hand and cause trouble between you two, you are just a caring, sensitive person – who is understandably upset about how people treat their friend!
That’s normal, and even desirable, and doesn’t mean you are spoilt or wrong or anything! Anyone would wish to have a friend who is as caring and considerate to do the right thing!
Plus you seem to have a good relationship with this friend, so he will hopefully tell you if he needs something else from you… so don’t worry too much!! :-)))

October 12, 2016 at 7:56 am #117905

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Charlie:

I went back to your questions in your original post (I missed them yesterday, being caught up in my own going-Anonymous drama here!)

“Do you have any thoughts about telling a loved one how much it hurts you? Is it even fair to tell them this?” I think it is fair and you did well telling him how you feel last night. Good job, I say!

“Do any of you have thoughts on how to stay sane when a person you care about deeply continually returns to an abusive relationship?”

Yes, I have a thought: if he continues to choose to avail himself to his sister, knowing he gets hurts by such availability and knowing of your advice that he does not avail himself, then you can choose as well: choose to not hear anymore about how he continues to get hurt by future events with her. You can ask him to not tell you the details or anything about future painful interactions with his sister.

Without the details or being told anything about such future events, you may stay sane (your concern). Besides, it is of no use for him to receive your empathy for pain that he repeatedly chooses to avail himself to.

anita

October 12, 2016 at 6:49 pm #117974
Charlie
Participant
Hi Kath and Anita,

Thank you so much again for all of your help. You’ve both helped me see things a lot more clearly. You wouldn’t believe it, but I’m actually an attorney who works with abused and neglected youth. This stuff usually doesn’t affect me like this, and I see some crazy stuff. I know it is different, though, when it is your best friend and it’s not work.

My friend told me today that he knows he has a good family now with me, “his little sister” and he can’t ask for a better little family. He said part of the reason he feels he needs to give her one more chance is because she isn’t fortunate like he is to have a good person in her life, but he’s going to keep his distance. And I’m going to keep mine from her too.

Charlotte
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Charlie.
October 12, 2016 at 7:08 pm #117977

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Charlotte:

Nice name, Charlotte. I am not surprised that you are an attorney working with abused and neglected youth: you wrote in a previous post on this thread: ” I do take on the healer/helper position pretty often”- so you have, as an attorney! And as a friend to this man. After all, abuse is so common and the consequences of abuse do not disappear once a youth matures into the fourth decade of life (your friend is in his thirties).

I hope your friend, intent on giving his sister one more chance, will give her a different type of a chance than he had so far, setting limits and keeping them, being consistent, assertive.

anita

October 12, 2016 at 7:36 pm #117979
Charlie
Participant
Thank you 🙂 I actually haven’t been called Charlie since I was about 5, so I don’t know why I picked that username.

I truly, truly hope that he gives her a different type of chance too, Anita. I really hope he finally gets it. He told one of his male friends that he opened the door again, and this other friend freaked out and gave him the business. Not saying I advocate freaking out, but I think my friend knows now that it’s upsetting his other relationships and that things better be different this time. We’ll see.

Thank you again, Anita, you are the best.

Charlotte
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Charlie.
October 12, 2016 at 7:50 pm #117981

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Charlotte:

I do hope he gets it as well. He sure has a best friend in you!

You are welcome and how sweet of you to say that. You brought a smile to my face as I shut down the computer for the night. Take good care of yourself!

anita
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