Hi Tee

Would you like to share how you feel? Perhaps it might be nice to offer each other empathy and reassurance?

I’m sorry for everything you experienced. You took the brunt of the difficulties in the conflict. I say difficulties because they were many. ❤️

For me, I would say that it hurts when boundaries are ignored. All we really wanted was a little kindness. ❤️

Hi Alessa,

Would you like to share how you feel? Perhaps it might be nice to offer each other empathy and reassurance?

Thanks for asking, Alessa. I actually feel fine. I’m glad that more people recognized that something wasn’t right in how this whole thing played out, and spoke out. That was huge, because I didn’t feel alone and it confirmed that others too saw what I saw.

I’ve been also examining myself and whether I overreacted. Well, I can actually pin-point the exact moment when I’ve felt a bit of a foul play going on, and I couldn’t tolerate it. And that’s when Anita tried to enlist the community’s support, claiming that I’m not supportive enough (even after I’ve apologized), that you, Alessa, are super supportive, as well as implying that whoever doesn’t agree with her, is endangering the community (Community- isn’t it about we coming together, for the betterment of “we”?).

That’s where I felt the sting. And that’s where I decided to stand up for myself. And from there on, it escalated.

So yeah, that was my “trigger”, if you will. But I don’t feel I should have let it slide… but I’m open to feedback about it…

For me, I would say that it hurts when boundaries are ignored. All we really wanted was a little kindness.

Can you be more specific? How do you feel boundaries were ignored in this specific situation with Anita?

Dear Alessa,

You are definitely not alone

Thank you! <3

I feel like you had good intentions that were misunderstood. I didn’t get the sense that you were being unsupportive at all. No one would apologise multiple times, if they didn’t care. To me, it felt like you were being mischaracterised.

Yes, I apologized and truly didn’t want to cause harm to Anita. In my original post – the one which upset Anita – I gave a suggestion about radical acceptance and “moving on” in a healthy way. I never meant to dismiss Anita’s experience or the pain and suffering she has been through as a child and beyond. But Anita took it the wrong way.

Also, she didn’t like that I was talking about compassion for her mother as something to aim for. I was talking about compassion as a way to detach oneself from painful emotions such as anger at the abuser and at the same longing for their love. I felt that emotional detachment and radical acceptance of what happened to me in my childhood and of the kind of mother I had is what helped me let go and stop craving for my mother’s love and approval. Compassion is perhaps not the best description of that emotional state, but I’ve also explained what I meant by it.

However, Anita didn’t like the idea of compassion as something to aim for on her path to healing. Perhaps she misunderstood me, perhaps a better expression would have been emotional detachment from the person who caused us pain. Anyway, she saw me as not really supportive. And when she added (or rather, implied) that me not being supportive of her also meant that I’m not being supportive of the community – well, that’s what felt really unfair and hurtful. And that’s the point when I reacted.

I don’t think you’re a cruel person, quite the opposite. You tried to handle things politely and stood up for yourself more strongly when that didn’t work. What is someone supposed to do when being polite doesn’t work? It is a very personal decision. Please don’t worry, I’m not judging you.

Thanks, Alessa.. yes, it was hard to read those accusations and say nothing. And so yes, I defended myself. I talked back. Maybe I could have spoken more from the observer standpoint, not being so emotionally involved, but it’s hard (at least for me) when faced with unfair accusations.

I think for me, the difficulty is with my past trauma. Quite often, there was an expectation that I wasn’t allowed to defend myself as a child. I was supposed to just take abuse and not react. I’m very firm on not accepting things lying down.

I understand that standing up for yourself was dangerous as a child. For me, it wasn’t so much, I mean I would be accused of being evil and a bad daughter, but I was never physically punished for example, or experienced any kind of significant retaliation. So I felt safe to a point. For you, it wasn’t safe, and it’s only natural that you didn’t dare to stand up for yourself.

The difficulty being that sometimes standing up for yourself escalates things.

Well, yes, with certain kinds of people it does. And you certainly had a very abusive mother, with whom your best bet was to keep quiet. I’m sorry about that, Alessa. That must have been really hard <3

But as adults, we need to stand up for ourselves. Yes, be polite, but also, be assertive. Because if we don’t, things usually escalate in a manner that the person whom we’re trying to appease is getting more and more emboldened, and we end up even worse off.

So on one hand, standing up for oneself may escalate things – because it upsets the difficult person. However, if we stay silent, it escalates the abuse. So it’s almost like choosing between the escalation of conflict and the escalation of abuse.

It is only recently that I’ve learned to react calmly despite others. It wasn’t an easy skill to learn either. Sometimes I find that it can help to deescalate things. It honestly depends on the person though.

I think it’s a very useful skill to actually react from a calm place – to first calm down, then respond. So yes, that would be ideal: to stand up for ourselves in a calm and respectful manner, when we’ve calmed down.

For me, this conflict left me with unmet needs. I like to feel understood, cared about and respected. Sadly, I don’t feel that way. It might not have been intended that way, but to me in the moment, it felt like no one else’s feelings mattered. Which is a tough position to be in

Would you care to share a bit more? In what way do you feel your feelings didn’t matter and that you weren’t understood, cared for or respected?

Sending you love, Alessa <3

Hi Tee

Thank you for your kindness!

I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. I could tell from the beginning your intentions because I have found the same experience to be helpful for me. It is hard to describe it to someone who hasn’t experienced it yet though. Hence the misunderstanding.

That is why I tried to help explain things with you. I’m sorry that the explanation and the apologies didn’t help. ❤️

I honestly understand. You are right, these things are very difficult. It is not easy at all. You did your best and that is all anyone can ask. ❤️

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as any other kind of abuse. It weaves its way into the mind. You are a good person Tee. ❤️

I think it varies from person to person whether or not things will continue to escalate. But I agree it is important to stand up for yourself and discuss problems. I find that choosing the right moment can be helpful. It is hard to get through to someone when they are heated, I find it easier when cooler heads prevail. It all depends on the individual though.

It is helpful to do that too. Although, I meant that I learned to stay calm in the moment by being emotionally vulnerable. I used to be afraid of vulnerability during conflict with my mother because she would be encouraged to abuse me more. With others, I was afraid of being rejected. Ironically, I often shut down emotionally when I felt rejected. One day I realised that there is nothing to fear because I have already been rejected. The vulnerability helps me to connect to empathy in the moment.

To me, it seems like I was instantly cast aside simply for having a different perspective.

Also, I set a boundary that was actively rejected. Anita might be under the false impression that we got what we wanted. But we didn’t want this. We wished that she was able to understand where we were coming from and for it not to get to this point. Her doing something because a moderator told her to is not the same thing as respecting our boundaries. She is honouring a boundary set by Lori, not with me.

Take care ❤️