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Complicated family dynamics

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  • June 19, 2018 at 4:46 pm #213211
    Kate_Rae_1306
    Participant

    My partner of five years has an extremely complex family. Though not uncommon, his parents are both divorced and remarried. Recently, we went on a trip with his father and his second wife (my partner’s stepmother). His biological mother is very involved with my partner, they speak every single day. This bothers me somewhat as I think it is excessive for a 29-year-old man and I also feel it impinges on our relationship. I also feel that she would prefer that he was not with me. I don’t know if this is actually the case, but it’s an inkling I get. On our holiday, after spending some time with his stepmother, she opened up to me about her past and life difficulties, and I shared my feelings with her about how I think his biological mother is too involved in his day-to-day life. I now feel  guilty for doing so. I am having a very difficult time navigating the dynamics of this family and determining right from wrong, loyal from disloyal. There’s an incredible amount of speculation and gossip about who’s done what in the past, who likes who, who doesn’t, money, power dynamics etc. and I feel drowned. Should I tell him that I opened up to his stepmother or should I just move on? Or, is this a non issue?

    I appreciate any advice.

    June 19, 2018 at 6:34 pm #213213
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Kate_Rae_1306,

    You have been with your partner for – 5 – years.  I am wondering….have you ever talked with your partner about your feelings about his mother/her involvement in his life?  And your “inkling” that she would prefer he not be with you?   This is the person you need to talk with about his mom.  Not the stepmother.  Not anyone else in the family.  You share your concerns and  feelings with your partner.

    When you shared your feelings with his stepmother, you only contributed to the dynamic of speculation and gossip and other drama that cycles through his family – the very thing you say makes you feel drowned.  Your relationship with your partner is where your loyalty should begin and end.

    The best advice I have ever read for couples dealing with extended family is that you manage your people and your partner manages his.  That means you are the gatekeeper for issues involving you and your side of the family, and he is the gatekeeper for issues involving him and his family.  I’ve been married almost 30 years.  This is something my husband and I have tried and it works. Using your partner’s relationship with his mother as an example….you are uncomfortable about the daily calls. You talk to him about this and listen to what he has to say.  Let’s say he doesn’t see it as a problem and maybe he even wants to talk to his mom every day.  You and your partner either find a way to compromise, or you accept this as being the relationship he has with his mother – just like you would accept that he has blue eyes instead of brown.  (also recognize the dynamic of their relationship may or may not change, for better or worse!  All you can do is manage how you handle it.) Or this ends up being a deal breaker for you, and you leave the relationship.  Or he says he will find a way to curtail the calls.  Emphasis there on “he” will find a way to curtail the calls.  You do not go to his mother and ask or expect her to change her behavior – unless you want to plant the seeds of animosity.

    Just my two cents’.

    Airene

     

     

     

    June 20, 2018 at 4:52 am #213243
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kate_Rae_1306,

    To me this is a non-issue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still there, but I call it a non-issue because you can’t DO anything about it. It is what it is. This is HIS family dynamic.

    So he calls his mom everyday. That just shows that he’s a good son and that is the best indicator of how he’ll treat you (or any children) in the future. Yes, it’s excessive. Yes, it’s annoying. I get that. But the man has a great relationship with his mom. What a wonderful problem to have (considering other problems people can have)!

    Of course you have an inkling you’re not her most favorite person. You are the main woman in his life! You are not her least favorite person either (you would know!), so you have that going for you.

    Can you have him show his mom the joys of texting, social media and emojis? Can you have him NOT pick up the phone, say, on Sundays? That’s about the extent of your influence, I’m afraid.

    As for the step-mother, have that be the first (and last) time you vent to her about the other side of the family.

    Best,

    Inky

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