Hi All,

Hope you are doing well. This post will be long and I would like to say Thank you in advance for reading through it. I appreciate it. And if you decide to shower your hate on me after reading this, that’s fine too…there is only so much hate a person can take.

I have been married for last 11 years. It’s an arranged marriage. We were introduced through some common relatives. I was 24 at the time…”of marriage age” per the community standards and being the eldest in my family – per my parents standards as well. When we met for the first time, he seemed like a good guy – nice human being, calm and understanding, appreciative of my career goals/education etc. In one visit, I did not know much to decide but I still felt overall he was a great guy. Talked to my mom – she thought that if all looks well then I should go with it. He said Yes to marry me and the courtship period started….during our courtship period of 9 months – two times we came close to calling off wedding because I was not mentally there and I was just not being the right partner for him. There were certain things about him that bothered me as well such as lack of conversations – he never knew what to talk about and hence I also avoided meeting him and overall we just killed that courtship time without getting to know each other. We went ahead with marriage.

During the honeymoon period, it was fine but we argued on a lot of things like me not being aware of him smoking, more drinking etc. There were times when he was upset with me because I chose to do some activities with some other couples that he did not wanted to do. Time went on – even though we were married – it never felt like we were married – we opened our first joint account just last year. We were staying with in-laws, even though our marriage had all these holes – we just kept going…never being open or ever communicating with each other on how each one of us was feeling..it was more like now that we are in this marriage – we have to survive it. We also have a kid together – 2 years after marriage.

Post having a kid, my husband left his job because he was really feeling pressured there and was not happy. I supported him in that decision but at the back of my mind I was scared – we just had a kid, we have a huge loan on one of the investment that we have made in 2010 so I was scared. I did not tell him that but I was disappointed…same year of 2012 – I stumbled upon the world of online stranger chatting and I kind of like it – being able to express your feelings, even just for that chat feeling good about yourself – I appreciated that. I chatted with few guys – nothing physical ever happened but emotionally, I was invested in…did some sexting at times. My husband got to know about this when he checked my phone once and he confronted me on this…I just apologized at that time but for some reason I was not feeling any remorse…this was the only time in our 11 years of marriage when I saw my husband being vulnerable around me – being emotional and sentimental.

Fortunately/unfortunately, later that year my employer sponsored my visa to work in US – my husband and our son came with me on the dependents visa. For my husband – it was a good change because he was still out of job and this could mean new opportunities.

After coming to US, initial period of settling down was hard…the more I was looking at my other established male colleagues – I was feeling that anger that why my husband cant be like them? Why cant he be the one financially leading this family?

Again during this time, I started to feel attracted towards one of my colleague…he always treat me with respect…very dedicated and ambitious person he was…he had accomplished so much in such short span of time…I went ahead and told him that I like him…he rejected and told me that of course he doesn’t feel the same way and we are friends etc. As always I was rejected and it definitely hurt. After few months of this incident, I did tell my husband about this…he did not say anything at that time. Nothing…but his anger was shown in other ways – like leaving me and my kid alone at friend’s birthday party when he was the one who drove us there, bashing out at me in front of other people…I knew I was doing wrong by hurting him like that but I just kept doing it…I never felt loved by him, not a single compliment in these man years of marriage, not once he sat with me and talk heart to heart…I was looking for love, some appreciation, respect and his need to want me but I never got it from him so I kept looking elsewhere…in between he got a job and he left for another state…I was alone with my kid…out of our 7 years in US, literally 4 we have spent by being apart from each other. And when we were apart he hardly used to call asking about me – my feelings, our life, how we are doing…its like it is literally impossible to get him to talk on anything feelings/emotions related…our physical intimacy has gone down the hill…I feel rejected by him…we do still have relationships but only if I initiate….but it feels more like just doing it for sake of doing it more of bodily urges than anything emotional…we sleep in separate bedrooms….Since last 2-2.5 years when we have started to stay together because both of our jobs are at same place now, it feels like the distance has grown so much that there is now nothing left…we both are head strong so we have had our fair share of arguments but at deeper level I am just looking for some compassion, affection from him. I have tried to talk to him multiple times on this one – asking him to break his walls and let me in…he is just not emotionally available for me at all. I have cried in front of him but his reaction to it was a blank face. I also mentioned that we could go to therapy and let a third person help us here but he is of an opinion that he doesn’t need therapy. He is ok with the way things are. He just wants to let life continue the way it is…he keeps bringing past again and again at times and I am really getting tired of it now.

I just feel like if he wants to walk away then he should but he is not doing that as well. He has his own visa now and he is not dependent on me anymore on visa front. Financially, it still feels like a struggle. I would love my husband to earn more than me, to be more successful and be more ambitious but we are still not there…its hard for me to accept it and I do unconsciously compare our situation with other couples and think about how they are happy and in healthy marriage, buying their home, having settled life and I feel like such a failure. Seems like nothing is working out – not married life, not family life…nothing.

I know I have made a lot of mistakes…I did not physically cheat on him but emotionally I did by online chatting or telling guys that I Like them just because they were nice to me/they were affectionate towards me. I have apologized to him for my mistakes…I am really trying to walk away from these temptations. All I ever wanted was to be needed, feel loved and cared for…which woman doesn’t like receiving a compliment? My husband could not give me any so far.

Through out my life, I was always rejected…in my school years, in my college life. I am not a good looking person and this rejection has lowered my self -esteem so much that at times it just feel a little better if someone talks to you nicely.

I just wanted to talk my heart out here. When I was a kid or a young girl, I did not think my married life would be like this…I always dreamed of having that perfect married life with my life long companion. I swear I am not a bad person. I will go to hell when I die perhaps and that’s fine. Life here on earth was also not heaven. I don’t know if I feel love for my husband…I don’t know what love is…never experienced it and looks like will never will. I am not a strong decision maker and hence this bothers me so much now that how should I proceed in my life. I wish I could change the past and let my husband know how I feel or even have better courtship time with him – getting to know each other but past is gone and done. I believe in God and I believe in the fact that he has my best interest in mind but I am really not feeling that faith right now. We both are not happy and if my husband doesn’t open up emotionally, I am not sure how to proceed here.

Once again, thank you for listening to me. I really really appreciate it.