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  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • #376419
    Anamika
    Participant

    Hi All,

    Hope you are doing well. This post will be long and I would like to say Thank you in advance for reading through it. I appreciate it. And if you decide to shower your hate on me after reading this, that’s fine too…there is only so much hate a person can take.

    I have been married for last 11 years. It’s an arranged marriage. We were introduced through some common relatives. I was 24 at the time…”of marriage age” per the community standards and being the eldest in my family – per my parents standards as well. When we met for the first time, he seemed like a good guy – nice human being, calm and understanding, appreciative of my career goals/education etc. In one visit, I did not know much to decide but I still felt overall he was a great guy. Talked to my mom – she thought that if all looks well then I should go with it. He said Yes to marry me and the courtship period started….during our courtship period of 9 months – two times we came close to calling off wedding because I was not mentally there and I was just not being the right partner for him. There were certain things about him that bothered me as well such as lack of conversations – he never knew what to talk about and hence I also avoided meeting him and overall we just killed that courtship time without getting to know each other. We went ahead with marriage.

    During the honeymoon period, it was fine but we argued on a lot of things like me not being aware of him smoking, more drinking etc. There were times when he was upset with me because I chose to do some activities with some other couples that he did not wanted to do. Time went on – even though we were married – it never felt like we were married – we opened our first joint account just last year. We were staying with in-laws, even though our marriage had all these holes – we just kept going…never being open or ever communicating with each other on how each one of us was feeling..it was more like now that we are in this marriage – we have to survive it. We also have a kid together – 2 years after marriage.

    Post having a kid, my husband left his job because he was really feeling pressured there and was not happy. I supported him in that decision but at the back of my mind I was scared – we just had a kid, we have a huge loan on one of the investment that we have made in 2010 so I was scared. I did not tell him that but I was disappointed…same year of 2012 – I stumbled upon the world of online stranger chatting and I kind of like it – being able to express your feelings, even just for that chat feeling good about yourself – I appreciated that. I chatted with few guys – nothing physical ever happened but emotionally, I was invested in…did some sexting at times. My husband got to know about this when he checked my phone once and he confronted me on this…I just apologized at that time but for some reason I was not feeling any remorse…this was the only time in our 11 years of marriage when I saw my husband being vulnerable around me – being emotional and sentimental.

    Fortunately/unfortunately, later that year my employer sponsored my visa to work in US – my husband and our son came with me on the dependents visa. For my husband – it was a good change because he was still out of job and this could mean new opportunities.

    After coming to US, initial period of settling down was hard…the more I was looking at my other established male colleagues – I was feeling that anger that why my husband cant be like them? Why cant he be the one financially leading this family?

    Again during this time, I started to feel attracted towards one of my colleague…he always treat me with respect…very dedicated and ambitious person he was…he had accomplished so much in such short span of time…I went ahead and told him that I like him…he rejected and told me that of course he doesn’t feel the same way and we are friends etc. As always I was rejected and it definitely hurt. After few months of this incident, I did tell my husband about this…he did not say anything at that time. Nothing…but his anger was shown in other ways – like leaving me and my kid alone at friend’s birthday party when he was the one who drove us there, bashing out at me in front of other people…I knew I was doing wrong by hurting him like that but I just kept doing it…I never felt loved by him, not a single compliment in these man years of marriage, not once he sat with me and talk heart to heart…I was looking for love, some appreciation, respect and his need to want me but I never got it from him so I kept looking elsewhere…in between he got a job and he left for another state…I was alone with my kid…out of our 7 years in US, literally 4 we have spent by being apart from each other. And when we were apart he hardly used to call asking about me – my feelings, our life, how we are doing…its like it is literally impossible to get him to talk on anything feelings/emotions related…our physical intimacy has gone down the hill…I feel rejected by him…we do still have relationships but only if I initiate….but it feels more like just doing it for sake of doing it more of bodily urges than anything emotional…we sleep in separate bedrooms….Since last 2-2.5 years when we have started to stay together because both of our jobs are at same place now, it feels like the distance has grown so much that there is now nothing left…we both are head strong so we have had our fair share of arguments but at deeper level I am just looking for some compassion, affection from him. I have tried to talk to him multiple times on this one – asking him to break his walls and let me in…he is just not emotionally available for me at all. I have cried in front of him but his reaction to it was a blank face. I also mentioned that we could go to therapy and let a third person help us here but he is of an opinion that he doesn’t need therapy. He is ok with the way things are. He just wants to let life continue the way it is…he keeps bringing past again and again at times and I am really getting tired of it now.

    I just feel like if he wants to walk away then he should but he is not doing that as well. He has his own visa now and he is not dependent on me anymore on visa front. Financially, it still feels like a struggle. I would love my husband to earn more than me, to be more successful and be more ambitious but we are still not there…its hard for me to accept it and I do unconsciously compare our situation with other couples and think about how they are happy and in healthy marriage, buying their home, having settled life and I feel like such a failure. Seems like nothing is working out – not married life, not family life…nothing.

    I know I have made a lot of mistakes…I did not physically cheat on him but emotionally I did by online chatting or telling guys that I Like them just because they were nice to me/they were affectionate towards me. I have apologized to him for my mistakes…I am really trying to walk away from these temptations. All I ever wanted was to be needed, feel loved and cared for…which woman doesn’t like receiving a compliment? My husband could not give me any so far.

    Through out my life, I was always rejected…in my school years, in my college life. I am not a good looking person and this rejection has lowered my self -esteem so much that at times it just feel a little better if someone talks to you nicely.

    I just wanted to talk my heart out here. When I was a kid or a young girl, I did not think my married life would be like this…I always dreamed of having that perfect married life with my life long companion. I swear I am not a bad person. I will go to hell when I die perhaps and that’s fine. Life here on earth was also not heaven. I don’t know if I feel love for my husband…I don’t know what love is…never experienced it and looks like will never will. I am not a strong decision maker and hence this bothers me so much now that how should I proceed in my life. I wish I could change the past and let my husband know how I feel or even have better courtship time with him – getting to know each other but past is gone and done. I believe in God and I believe in the fact that he has my best interest in mind but I am really not feeling that faith right now. We both are not happy and if my husband doesn’t open up emotionally, I am not sure how to proceed here.

    Once again, thank you for listening to me. I really really appreciate it.

     

    #376494
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anamika:

    You shared that you (35) have been married for 11 years, an arranged marriage. When he was introduced to you by common relatives, “he seemed like a good guy- nice human being, calm and understanding”, appreciative of your “career goals/ education etc.” A courtship of 9 months ensued, you had doubts about the match, there was “lack of conversations”, and the two of you “just killed the courtship time without getting to  know each other”. And then, you got married.

    During the honeymoon period, the two of you argued a lot, about his drinking and smoking and preference of different activities. Following the honeymoon, you lived with his parents, and “it never felt like we were married.. we just kept going.. never being open or ever communicating with each other… never felt loved by him, not a single compliment in these many years of marriage, not once he sat with me and talk heart to heart”. At one point, after you gave birth to a son, your husband left his job, and you were worried about a huge loan taken in 2010.

    In 2012, you “stumbled upon the world of online stranger chatting” and liked it, enjoyed the opportunity to express your feelings with strangers, “chatted with few guys- nothing physical ever happened but emotionally, I was invested.. did some sexting at times”.

    Your husband found out about this activity and confronted you about it, seeming “emotional and sentimental”. You apologized to him, but felt no remorse. Later that year, your employer sponsored your visa to work in the U.S., and your son and husband, who was still unemployed, came with you to the U.S. You looked down at your husband, feeling angry at him, for not being like your “other established male colleagues”- for not being “the one financially leading this family”.

    At that time, you felt attracted to one of your male colleagues, an accomplished, ambitious man who treated you respectfully. You told him that you liked him and he rejected you. A couple of months later, you told your husband about what happened and he said nothing, “but his anger was shown in other ways- like leaving me and my kid alone.. bashing out at me in front of other people”. At some point, he got a job and left for another state, and out of the 7 years in the U.S., you lived 4 years apart from your husband.

    In the last 2-2.5 years, your job and your husband job are in the same place, so you live together but sleep in separate bedrooms. You tried to “break his walls” and let you in, but “he is just not emotionally available for me at all”. When you cried in front of him, “his reaction to it was a blank face”. You suggested going to therapy but “he is of an opinion that he doesn’t need therapy. He is ok with the way things are”.

    “Throughout my life, I was always rejected.. I am not a good looking person… I always dreamed of having that perfect married life with my life long companion.. I am not a bad person… I don’t know what love is.. never experienced it and looks like never will”-

    – I understand that you shared your story as a confession (title of your thread), to express yourself and feel better for it, and I hope you do feel better having expressed yourself. I am sorry to read about your miserable marriage. Sorry to read that he is not willing to open up to you or to go to therapy, and that he is okay with the way things are.

    But you are not okay with the way things are.

    You are only 35, and I am sure that you are prettier than you think you are, and that there are a few men out there (you need only one!) who will want to make a life with you, a life of honest, respectful and loving emotional exchange. Why not separate from him and then find a man who is capable of love?

    anita

     

    #376500
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Anamika,

    I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. You know, one of the greatest tenets of America is the freedom to live however you wish. You can start over.

    I understand that within your culture, an action such as separation or divorce might be frowned upon, to say the least. If that is the case, I encourage you to put that to the side. Make a decision about your marriage.  Life is short. You’re only 35!  But, the longer you wait to make a decision about how you want to live your life, the harder it will be. Especially now that you have a child.

    I know making tough decisions is hard, but if you want to be happy, you really have to give yourself an honest chance.

    Good luck.

    Sending you good vibes 🙂

    Pink

     

    #376513
    Anamika
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita and Pink24. You have no idea how great it feels to not being judged and have someone understand you!! I wholeheartedly appreciate you guys.

    After writing this, I did some soul searching and in my heart I felt that all these mistakes that I did have affected this relationship worse. Relationship was not good earlier but instead of being open about it to him, I also closed down and tried to look for affection elsewhere. Me asking for a divorce would be just another act of my selfishness – again I am not thinking about society and anyone else but just at a deeper level, I feel that I am responsible for this and I need to own it – keeping my happiness aside for a while and be a good mother and a good wife. How long? I don’t know. I am hoping and praying to God every day that my husband will be able to trust me again and be emotionally available for me at some point.  May be give it a year or two – work on myself and improve upon my personal issues like anger control, being respectful towards him, supportive towards him.  In your opinion, do you guys think this might be the right way to look at it?

    Thank you and Best Regards – Anamika.

     

    #376515
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anamika:

    You are welcome: you deserve non-judgment and empathy! You see your faults in the relationship and you figure if you correct all your faults, all that you did wrong, the marriage might work. But it doesn’t look likely to me because he was emotionally unavailable to you from the very beginning, and all through: “not a single compliment in these many years of marriage, not once he sat with me and talk heart to heart”- from the very beginning!

    And he told you that he is fine with the way things are, and he sees no need for therapy/ marriage counseling- this is discouraging

    Again, you see your faults, what you did wrong- but from what you described, there is something very wrong with him, unfortunately. Am I wrong in perceiving this?

    * I will be away from the computer and back in a few hours.

    anita

    #376540
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Anamika,

    Wow, you are really mature. Love it.

    I feel like you know yourself really well, too.  Just make sure you’re not punishing yourself by choosing to stay in the marriage, you know?  Sometimes we can put ourselves in a kind of purgatory when we feel like we’ve done something “bad” because we think we deserve it, and in doing so we lose so much precious time, rather than reflecting on why we did the “bad” thing in the first place – not saying you are of course! So just remember to forgive yourself first. I mean, you didn’t kill anybody. You’re just figuring things out. We all are.

    Feel free to drop a line whenever you like. I’m here.

    Good luck girl. Sending you good vibes:)

    Pink

     

    #376563
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anamika:

    After posting to you last, I realized that I didn’t read through your posts attentively enough and therefore I missed a few things:

    “When we met for the first time, he seemed like a good guy-  nice human being, calm and understanding, appreciative of my career goals/ education etc.”- I am now thinking that he may have really been the nice human being, calm and understanding you perceived him t be when you met him.

    But then, that nice, calm human being got to experience your anger and disapproval: you were angry that he wasn’t open enough, that he wasn’t talkative enough (“he never knew what to talk about”), that he drank more than you thought he should, that he smoked, that he quit his job, that he didn’t make as much money as other men made, that he wasn’t as ambitious as other men, etc.

    After he quit his job, you were angry at him for quitting, and you started chatting online with strange men, “did some sexting at times. My husband got to know about this… I just apologized at the time but for some reason I was not feeling any remorse”- I think that you didn’t feel any remorse because you were angry at him and you wanted him hurt, so when you saw him hurt, you were satisfied, not remorseful.

    Later, in the U.S., you compared him unfavorably to your male colleagues, angry again: “I was feeling that anger that why my husband can’t be like them?” Angry, you flirted with a male colleague, telling him that you liked him.

    In your recent post, you wrote regarding trying to make your dysfunctional marriage work: “Maybe give it a year or two- work on myself and improve upon my personal issues like anger control, being respectful towards him, supportive towards him”.

    I understand better now. I think your anger pre-existed meeting your husband, and I think it is about what you wrote regarding the male colleague you flirted with: “As always I was rejected and it definitely hurt”, and later, “Throughout my life, I was always rejected… I don’t know what love is… never experienced it and looks like never will”-

    – I believe that your anger is about having been rejected, having been unloved, as a child and onward. This anger wore your husband down, brought up the worse of him and ruined a possible loving, functional marriage with your husband. Am I correct?

    anita

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