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April 26, 2018 at 3:58 pm #204421
Princess123Participanthi
I broke up with my bf yesterday night but I miss him and I feel guilty and think about him .I fall out of love wd him because of his insecurity jealousy a bit controlling and trust issues .i know that was a right decision bcz I thought I hav no feeling for him so why I am restless now .whenever I talked to him I was getting mad at him because I felt he doesn’t understand me ..I m really confused
April 26, 2018 at 5:25 pm #204439
AireneParticipantHello Princess 123,
I wonder if your restlessness is due to the fact that you miss the habit of your boyfriend, rather than actually missing your boyfriend. If he was giving you a lot of attention, I wonder if that is what your missing. Even if the attention was based in mistrust, insecurity and jealousy – it’s still attention.
What do you feel guilty about?
You say you know it was the right decision and that is enough – it’s enough because you decided it was right for you.
Airene
April 26, 2018 at 8:17 pm #204457Princess123ParticipantHallo Airene ,
thank you so much for ur comment .this comment will be a bit long .
i am guilty because i know he is very sensitive and he had told me bfore he won’t be able to live it’s hard fr him i just think how is he doing ? If he is hurting frm this break up ? I dnt want to hurt anyone.
He was good and bad both i can say . He loves me alot and care for me may be .treats me like his princess . I remember when our relationship started i used to compare his treatment wd my exes nd i found he really loves me .
We were in relationship from last 2,5 months.i become now a different person .it was February when we started this relationship.before that i was a girl with passion,had confidence,motivated,care free and drama free kinda person ,i used to go library daily for 3-7 hours,cooked most of the time dressed up i wanted to look good and infrnt of mirror i thought i am beautiful.who would only start having fun whenever she hang out with her friends or family or people .and used to laugh with others.
but now nt more ,i have no energy to get up from bed from last two weeks i was weeping all day i started feeling i am alone in this whole world,i have no friends no family.because of his insecurity nd jealousy nd contrtrolling nature he accused me with my guys friends or with my cousin .i stopped my all social contacts.
his all day checking my mobile more than his own mobile.snooping .deleting or texting people he even blocked my cousin. I know he flirts sometimes but he was the one who sent me money when i financially disturbed he sent me 1000 euro last month .nd i went wd my bf to receive tht money.
meanwhile i was financially broke and couldn’t find job as i was 24/7 with his drama .
my study got badly effective.because he wanted to be all 24/7 with me and called me after every 30 mints in a day and would ask me to tell him what i am doing and what i was doing from last few hours . I mean in a day whenever he calls he ll ask everything and then with that everything he has 1000 problems that why i am talking to tht person who is he or she whr they live .how do u know them and most torturing question fr me was „how come they contacted u today i never heard abt them frm u „?
So i went to doctor for my mental health bcz i was shouting,being mad , frustrated irritated frm him .i was totally boycotting Social life . Nd was talking to him all day .i was calling my family once a week .
my doctor recommended me Psychologist and therapy but i couldn’t get any appointment and i m lost I m taking antidepressant tablets now
Nd i feel guilty also that i once or twice blamed him for my condition.may b i am wrong to do so but i feel helpless whn i cm to discuss smthng wd him till i dnt shout he doesnt believed me or stopped arguing . Ther was always arguing bt never a result . .
April 27, 2018 at 2:34 am #204469
AnonymousGuestDear Princess123:
My understanding is that you broke up with your boyfriend a couple of nights ago and you are confused, not understanding why you feel restless and unhappy after the breakup even though you believe you made the right decision and after being unhappy in the relationship with him.
In your second post you shared that you worry about him hurting following you breaking up with him, feeling guilty for hurting him. You wrote that he loves you a lot and treated you like a princess. Your relationship lasted 2.5 months, Feb-April this year.
During the relationship he called you every 30 minutes or so, wanting to know what you were doing when he called and during the time before he called, asking you why talk to whomever you talked to (male or female), how do you know them, where do they live and how is it that you didn’t tell him about that person before. He repeatedly checked your mobile phone, blocking people from contacting you, deleting texts meant for you. accused you of having contact with guy friends.
Last month you were financially broke and your cousin sent you 1000 euros. Your boyfriend blocked your cousin from contacting you because your cousin sometimes flirted with you on the phone.
As a result of being in a relationship with him, you started “shouting, being mad, frustrated, irritated…totally boycotting social life”. You started taking antidepressants.
To understand better, I ask: you chose Princess123 to be your user name. You wrote about your (hopefully) ex boyfriend, he “treats me like a princess”-
how did he treat you like a princess?
anita
April 27, 2018 at 6:19 am #204521Princess123ParticipantHI Anita ,
thank you for your Comment and time for me
i meant he used to treat me good ,Helpling me ln cooking ,taking care of me ,taking me out.our going for dinner .helping me doing household things. Giving me massage.helping me in Studies .
showing me that how much he loves me .doing little things fr me.
even whenever he called me he never took update in angry mood, but like as normal . Yes for him calling after 30-45 mints was normal but for me not .
his calling nd texting habits was too much fr me . It wss just two weeks ago when i was in library md i told him that i m going home now in 10 mints .he said ok . So after 10 mints i took my bag nd first went to toilet .so his call started to come one after another . It was his 4-5 calls in 5 mints and 4-6 texts . Tht where i am .nd i dint text him that i m in toilet ,bcz i cant use mobile thre .i was getting angry .
Thn i attented his 6th call . Nd his questions started tht where i am ?nd did i take bus ? If not than why not? But i told him i m going in 10 mints thn wht i was doing?nd why i wasnt recieving calls ?
So i asked him wt u think wt i would b doing ?he replied, nothing but i askd again thn he said i thought u may b talking to someone.I told him if even i was talking to smbdy thn wts need to call one after another ? U could jst wait nd i would have called u after a Small Talk to that sombdy .
. i told him almost frm 1st day of our relationship that just call me once or text me i ll be right back to u as i see ur missed call or text . U dnt need to call me 10-12 times till i dnt pick up. Nd i told him if i m nt rePlying u it means either i am busy or away frm mble .
But he gets Obsessed if i dnt reply him .
April 27, 2018 at 7:06 am #204529AnonymousGuestDear Princess123:
You are welcome.
So he’s been treating you for dinner out, helping you with your studies, with cooking, with household chores, giving you massages and checking your mobile phone/deleting texts from your phone/blocking people on your phone/calling and texting you incessantly again and again/interrogating you.
Maybe he can’t help himself, like you wrote, “he gets obsessed”.
If you accommodate his obsession, does it ever get to a place where he says: I trust you now, you can breathe?
Not likely, as it is not the nature of an obsession to be satisfied.
You wrote that you feel guilty for hurting him. Reads to me that you are not hurting him, that he is hurting himself and he has been hurting you. It is a natural consequence of his actions that you want to be free of his domination. It is not your job to protect him from the natural consequences of his actions.
anita
April 27, 2018 at 7:51 am #204535Princess123ParticipantDear Anita,
as u asked me ,
If you accommodate his obsession, does it ever get to a place where he says: I trust you now, you can breathe?
so I know he wont be Satisfied and wont ever Trust me.but I don’t understand why cant he Trust me ?.I told him that u don’t trust me but he denies every time and says that its just worrying and he cares for me .I told him that u have Controlling nature why cant u let me be what I am ..and according to him I do whatever I want he never control or doubt me .
I asked him to call me less so that I can study better and focus on other things .but he denied that he cant do this …he don’t respects my Decisions.nd then I broke up for first time so he was ready to change and his questions became a bit less,but again almost same .or may be I have no energy anymore to bear his attitude even when he said he is trying to improve .
April 27, 2018 at 8:45 am #204561AnonymousGuestDear Princess123:
Seems to me that he is not honest with you about his intentions. His lack of trust is evident in his behavior, no way to deny that. So he is dishonest with you when he says he trusts you. And he is dishonest with you when he says what motivates him to dominate you is caring for you.
What motivates him is fear and anger from long ago, before he ever met you.
His behavior is not a result of who you are, but who you represent for him: someone who betrayed him, someone who somehow abandoned him. Maybe his mother. Do you know anything about his relationship with his mother?
anita
April 27, 2018 at 9:26 am #204563Princess123Participantactually as I met him and I cm to know his insecurities nd jealousy and trust issues .I asked him about his family.because I thought may be he has jealousy or insecurity just bcz he wasn’t given attention,time or love .
yes I know few things that he is the only son and his mom and dad court marriage and she came with his papa .and left her whole family to do court marriage .and he loves his mom and dad they have good relationship.
her mom was doing job and I thought may b his parents were busy and he was mostly alone thus he is having issues .but he added that his mom worked only two days per week and other days she was at home .
I also asked him about his dad ,that if he has the same problem as my bf.he said mom used to say that dad doubts on me but as they are togather more than 25 years now its better.
and something I notied whenever I did something for him he used to say ,no one did that for him before ,no one made him that much special ,,I felt that he thinks he doent deserve this .
but on the other hand I can see his family celebrated his last all birthdays and was given party .he was getting good marks he was a topper in school nd college his published papers are being published in a book or etc.he owns good computer skills along with his acadmics ,he is doing here master plus research.
a person who is that much talented ,why is he being needy?Clingy or Controlling ? and he is very handsome as well .he is more good looking than me and most of other guys . I find nothing wrong appearently which caused his these issues
his previous gf left him for the same reason ..he couldn’t trust her nd he was very jealous..and he doesn’t believe In long distance relationship..
when I told him that I ll go to my home country in semester break ,he was very sad and was saying how can u go without me .
April 27, 2018 at 11:52 am #204573AnonymousGuestDear Princess123:
You wrote: “whenever I did something for him he used to say, no one did that for him before, no one made him that much special”. This is very telling, after all, he told you that “no one made him that much special”- no one includes his mother and father and all of his family members.
You asked him a good question about whether his parents were too busy to attend to him. He told you that his mother worked only two times a week- if she was home with him, her only son, four times a week, and part of the two she worked, it doesn’t mean she paid much attention to him.
Example: my mother was very nice to other children in my presence. She talked to them with lots of kindness. But not to me when she was alone with me. She asked them questions and listened to their answers attentively. She didn’t ask me questions when alone with me. When alone with me she complained a lot about her life. She didn’t complain to others. So I was very jealous, very, very jealous of the others.
anita
April 27, 2018 at 1:57 pm #204585Princess123Participantthat can be also true .but I am feeling guilty as if I m doing unfair with him or being selfish .and leaving him like this .but I know that this relationship will never work.how can I overcome this situation .this confuse state of mind.
April 28, 2018 at 5:18 am #204625AnonymousGuestDear Princess123:
Guilt is a tricky issue. Lots of people feel guilty when they are not at all guilty. Part of them knows that they are not guilty but they still feel guilty. Therefore they are confused: if I am not guilty, a person thinks, then why do I feel guilty?
I used to obsess a whole lot on the issue, as my guilt about my mother, believing I hurt her (in a similar way to you believing that you are hurting your ex), was very strong and long lasting. I was very confused.
I hope you don’t go through a whole lot of obsessing like I have. And I hope you don’t go back to this relationship because of this guilt. False guilt is disturbing and unpleasant but surrendering to it and doing what is harmful to ourselves is not a good solution.
How to deal with the guilt and confusion: make a decision within yourself, a deal with yourself, that you will not go back to this relationship, that you will not be in a relationship that is harmful to you no matter what, including, no matter what you feel and how guilty you feel. Whenever you feel guilty and think guilty thoughts, remember the decision you made and repeat it to yourself. Then think: there is no point thinking about me being guilty because I am not considering going back to him, so what would be the purpose of this thinking?
Do it again and again, every time. And do post again if you would like, letting me know how this works.
anita
April 29, 2018 at 5:54 am #204689Princess123Participanthallo ,
I read ur comment yesterday and made commitment that I wont feel guilty anymore and wont go back to this relationship.i broke up with him 3 days before and we stopped talking I sent him text that I will always remmbr our good time and take care and he didn’t reply and our communication stopped ,that was for good .
so now after 3 days he is trying to text ,call and sending me fb messages.asking me if I miss him or if still in my heart there is a place for him ?or jf any of my ex took that place ?I replied him “no one took that place and ofcourse I miss u and it hurts but I want to stay single , .I don’t know for how long but I don’t want anyone now” .
he want me too try once more bcz according to him our relationship wasn’t that much bad and saying me that he love me more thn I love him thus he trying to make things work..we can work on it ,if u r single its better to be togather etc.
he keep texting me on WhatsApp from yesterday ..for me this relationship made me to take me antidepression tablts..ofcourse I miss him ofcourse it hurts me too.breakup is hurts from both side now I come to know.
he not only text me on WhatsApp but also fb
April 29, 2018 at 5:57 am #204691Princess123ParticipantI don’t know if giving him any chance make any difference .bcz I have already given 2 chances in last 2.5 months ..
what do u say about this ?
April 29, 2018 at 7:28 am #204701AnonymousGuestDear Princess123:
I think that giving him another chance is the wrong choice.
I believe so because he disrespected your privacy, snooping, deleting messages and blocking people on your phone.
Because, as you wrote: “this relationship made me take antidepressant tablets”. Because “being 24/7 with his drama” harmed your mental health, caused you to be “frustrated irritated from him”, because you totally boycotted social life”.
Because you wrote: “I know that this relationship will never work… I know he won’t be satisfied and won’t ever trust me.”
anita
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