Hello All!

I was not sure if I should write, because I am not sure how well I can describe my situation. Even now while typing I am considering deleting it, as to make my situation clear I guess I should write a book of 300 pages. But I will try to keep it short (somehow).

I was always crying for love and acceptance. Some tiem ago, around one moth ago I realized why, of course my childhood has a lot to do with it and my relationship with uncle and aunt who have never been satisfied with me (at least they have been showing that) and compared me all the time to others – of course I was always the worse one. I had 3 serious relationships ( I mean longer) and numerous not serious. I could never admit I am not happy in a relationship – or rather I could but I did nothing about it. I was waiting for the guy to break up. Earlier I was changing guys all the time, one relationship after another. So no time to be alone, no time to be sad too long. After my second serious relationship, in which I felt bad I was not in love I was waiting and doing everything to make him leave me I got panicked. Because there were none new waiting for me. So I cried, panicked, yelled, begged and did everything to have him back. Of course he was sick of it, so I decided to prove I am ok. So I had again lots of guys lots of parties. How stupid it was. I do not regret I learned a lot. I changed, got stronger ( I thought so) and make serious decisions that I sticked to later with no exceptions. NO MORE LIES, PRETENDING and CHEATING.

I guess I recovered, I was ok. I really believed it but it wasn’t true. The only things that really changed was alcohol and cheating. I stopped it for good. But deep inside I felt lonely and not loved and still desperate for love. I went abroad to meet my friend. Then I met a guy I guess I felt in love with. Thousands of kilometers were not a problem then. I was sure that none can hurt me again, I was sure I will not got attached again but then one day after some our visits once here once there I decided to move to his country – to try. So I did which was not easy as the country he lives in is poor and the quality of life is much lower.

I loved his loveliness he cared about me so much, was understanding. But I was not happy. I was still pulled out or aggressive, I was not patient at all. I was still looking for the things I do not like. The country, less money, no friends, no family, no flowers, no pots, no bedding. Got extremely jealous, started to feel worse than everyone. I cried and told him thousands of words to hurt him. I believe I was extremely depressed.

I started to feel I deserve better, because I am a good person that had a bad past but changed so much and I felt I got nothing from him. Finally he said this is the end, that he is sick of my behavior.

During the relationship many times I believed I need someone else, but when he decided to leave me I panicked again. I stared to cry I went to a psychologist. I could not stop begging him for another chance. Explained that such a great difference between countries got me depressed and my past with my family also started to influence me. He said he understand but he cannot believe I can change.

So I started the process, as we were still leaving together. I started visits by the doctor, read thousand of books, realized thousand of things I saw the change in myself, he also. He started to hug me, occasionally to kiss me, to take me somewhere but still was telling me we cannot be together. I instead of healing myself was still hoping I will win him back. I was working on my problems with self acceptance and jealousy, but my heart could not be healed as he was there next to me giving me hope and at the same time destroying it.

He said he needed time, but I cannot be so patient as it hurts so much I asked him to moved out. He started to look for something but apparently it is not so easy to find a place. How can I recover from love as he is still there? I can be ok one week then I feel anger pain etc and start begging him for a chance or screaming that I do not wanna see him again.

I am super confused. Do I wanna be with him? He is a really good guy? Or maybe I just wanna be with him because I am afraid I will never meet anyone again who would love me the way I need it. Or maybe I just wanna be finally the one who decided that the relationship is not ok for me and to be the one who ends it up? Or maybe I really love him?

Such a mess in my head. Despite everything I am strong a lot but not in relationships, when it comes to love, guys I am like a small child who does not know what to do and what she wants…

Should I fight for him? Because I know I made a lot of mistakes because of my depression? Or maybe I should not as he did not notice how depressed I was and did not helped me?

One day I am sure I need someone else, but first I need a space for myself to calm down. The other day I feel I really want him back and prove that those 6 first months in a new country were terrible for me and this is why I changed and that in a reality I am different….

How can I cope with this mess? How to realize what to do?