Dear antarkala: I will read and reply in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear antarkala:

Still trying to answer your question from yesterday (“Why does he want me sooooo badly?“), in connection to his childhood. I re-read some of what you shared in this thread.

March 26: “My boyfriend’s dad, in his words, has not been a great father since his childhood. He did not work hard and did not proactively provide for the family“- growing up, your boyfriend did not have a strong male father figure in his life.

Growing up, you took on the role of a strong father male figure. I wrote to you back on March 27: “seems to me, antarkala, that your role reversal situation was that of you being your mother’s.. father, teaching her to stand up for herself, to act confidently and assertively, a parenting job traditionally done by the father in the family… for the purpose of helping her/ strengthening her, (you) took on the manly traditional role. So much so, that you even walked in a manly way“.

(In regard to walking in a manly way, I was referring to what you shared: “My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“).

On March 25, you wrote in regard to your boyfriend: “Initially, I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’… “I don’t think he is manly enough’“.

My response to the quote right above was: “what this is telling me is that you need to..  finally not be The Strong One, to.. finally have someone else be the strong one, so that you can relax“.

In your reply to the above, on March 30, you posted: “‘Finally have someone else to be the strong one…. So that I can relax’ – in one sentence, this is all I want. You really understood where I’m coming from“.

It seems to me that his attraction to you may have to do with your appearance of male strength, such that he didn’t have growing up, a role you took on when you were growing up. But it’s only a role. You need a partner who will appear or actualize male strength, hence your dissatisfaction with him.

In your very first post, on March 23, you wrote: “we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“. In your most recent post on July 29, you wrote: “since the beginning of the relationship whenever we catch up I am always telling her ‘there is something missing and the reason is him and it bothers me that he does not fight back or puts up with it’”- the missing-something may be the missing appearance or actualizing of male strength on his part.

You need him to be the strong male figure so that you can abandon your strong-male-figure role and relax into a female role, while he needs you.. to continue your strong-male role?

* When I mention male and female in this post, I am referring to masculine and feminine energies that exist in both genders.

anita

Dear antarkala:

“I think this is exactly what is happening. Is there a way out of this? Or are we just not meant to be together”?- I reviewed (again),  what you shared since March 23 this year, so to offer you my best answer, and I am glad to say that I have a new understanding this morning.

What you shared over time is a serious incompatibility between you and your boyfriend: an emotional, spiritual, social and familial-bonding incompatibilities.

Emotional incompatibility: you shared that you felt after more than a year of dating him “not very emotionally intimate” with him, that you “don’t know a lot about him“. You described him as “monotonous… mostly silent“, and when he is silent, you have thoughts like “‘how can he be so silent’, ‘I just want to have a heart felt conversation with him’“.

There is a lack of emotional and spiritual compatibility: “he is not spiritual. I would love to have conversations about his spiritual beliefs with my partner and it is something that would make me feel intimate and close to him… I turned to spirituality at a younger age – I am a very deep person and spirituality showed me a path in life…Since I got into a relationship with my boyfriend, I feel my spiritual life also took a backseat“.

There is a social incompatibility: “my boyfriend not being very social… I expect my partner to help me out in social situation… when I am with my boyfriend, I feel my social life and spiritual life are not thriving and it bothers me.. he is not helping me to keep the energy of the group up“.

There is a familial-bonding incompatibility: “I did tell my mother about my boyfriend and she told me he is not good enough for you..  I believe a marriage is not just about wife and husband but also about both families. I also keep thinking, if I marry my boyfriend, how compatible are our families?.. I want the family I marry into to bond well with mine…  I’m afraid my parents won’t be able to bond well with them“- to start with, for families to bond (since this is what you value and want), your mother would have to approve of who you marry, she’d have to think that he is good enough for you.

You shared about the relationship, that you “always felt something was missing since the beginning“, that “the spark is missing… something is missing, especially attraction… my heart keeps saying something is missing – my heart doesn’t say yes!“- there’s a lot that’s missing: emotional, social, spiritual and familial-bonding compatibilities.

You wrote about him: “he is a wonderful and genuine person who cares for me and loves me… he has a wonderful personality – just a different type of wonderful than what I have in my head“- this is the biggest part of my new understanding this morning: he is wonderful compared to how your father behaved with your mother and with yourself in earlier years (your formative years: the most influential years in regard to a person’s brain formation), and he is wonderful in some ways compared to the few men you dated in the past.

This is what you experienced in regard to your father in earlier years: “my dad always used to criticize (your mother) after coming back home… whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her and tell her she should have done something else… He is always dissatisfied with whatever she cooks… Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong… my dad was being hard on me“- compared to this, your boyfriend is wonderful.

This is what you experienced in regard to men you dated: “I was the one always giving and initiating things… most prominent behavior was not being ready for commitment, not being open about the relationship and hiding it“- compared to this, your boyfriend is wonderful.

“My boyfriend is a wonderful man, I don’t want to weaken him by showing my disappointment… I feel this is unfair to my boyfriend, why should he go through this?“- I suggest (and it is for you to decide, of course, because it is you- not I- who will have to live with your decision): end the romantic part of the relationship for good. Do it as kindly as you can, and deeply apologize for not having done it earlier. He shouldn’t go through this, and neither should you. Reason: emotional, spiritual, social and familial-bonding incompatibilities.

Somewhere out there, there is a man who will treat you respectfully (unlike your father in earlier years and the men who hid the relationship with you), a man who will initiate things and be committed to you (unlike the men you dated).

But it may be that part of you (the masculine part) is attracted to less masculine men. Do you think that you will be attracted to a more masculine man, one who will initiate things, be social, an extrovert, confident and assertive?

Do you think that you can take on a more feminine role in a relationship with a more masculine man?

anita

Dear antarkala:

“Does me healing from my childhood experience of taking up the masculine role and him healing from his father’s absence change anything? I don’t even know if it’s possible and most probably not“- no doubt that healing from painful/ damaging childhoods changes one’s life for the better. I don’t think that healing changes some or all of a person’s masculine/ feminine expressions and behaviors.

“at this moment, it’s just hard for me to accept the reality. I really thought this is the one!“- you’ve been thinking that he’s the one throughout all this time that you’ve been presenting him as an unsatisfactory choice of a partner (in so many ways)?

I am puzzled. I would like to understand better (therefore, I am asking many questions in this post, and as always, you are welcome to answer or to not answer any of the questions I ask).

“Don’t all women at the end of the day want to be in a relationship that lets them step into their feminine?“- you want to step into your feminine, as in: to no longer be the strong one, the initiator, the one taking charge, the leader. You want him to be these things so that you can relax and let him lead..?

Are you angry with him (have you been angry with him for along time) for not being strong enough, initiator enough, social enough, etc.?

“what kind of women will he be happy with?“- the kind that likes and respects him, I hope, the kind that thinks highly of him.

Do you think highly of yourself? Do you like you?

“I don’t know if I can take on a more feminine role.. should I? in order to attract a masculine person?“- I don’t think that you should take on (the appearance of) a more feminine role so to attract a masculine person. Better share femininity and masculinity with your choice of a partner for the betterment of the team.

“Doesn’t that side (femininity) naturally comes out when you’re with a masculine person? I really don’t know“- I think that your relaxed part will come out when you are satisfied with your choice of a partner and no longer want him to be someone he is not, and when you are satisfied with who you are.

“I’m very career oriented and probably don’t even want to be a mother. Don’t know what life is trying to teach me.“- that it’s okay for you to be you, and that it’s okay for him to be him?

anita

Dear antarkal: I will read and reply in the next 14 hours or so.

anita

How are you, antarkala?

anita