Dear Isabelle:

You are 45. Your mother was “depressive and emotionally distant”, your father abandoned you when you were six, you view yourself as having a high IQ, sensitive, altruistic, empathetic,  idealistic, “struggling with anxiety for as far as I can remember, depressive at times,  and “very alone in this world”.

At about 31, you started a relationship with a short tempered, “very egocentric” man, had a child with him at 33, helped him with his work while doing your PhD and taking care of your son, “gave way too much and became exhausted and depressed at about 39, six years ago.

A year ago, June 2019, at 44, after two years of having sex with your partner only once, you wanted to “reignite my sex life and feel attracted to my partner again”. Two months later, in August, you felt a very strong attraction, not to your partner, but to another man whom you met on a short trip that you took by yourself. That experience shook you to your core. You returned to your life with “a little glimmer of hope that I could feel alive, feel whole and good again”.

Three months later, Nov 2019, your partner verbally abused you while knowing that you were struggling: “It broke something in our relationship and he realized it. He tried to make amends.. was as sweet as can be”, but “his sweetness felt fake”.

“Slowly, an idea formed into my mind. If I could find a ‘friend-with-benefits’ to share affection and have sex with, maybe I could keep my family whole. After all, I had told my partner several times that he could find such a friend for himself”. Dec 2019, you met a man on a dating website who like you “wanted to find one person to build a sexual/ sensual friendship with, not one-night stands”. After weeks of quality online communication with him, you met him Feb 2020, and saw him in person about three times before “the pandemic began”. He is a very busy man and doesn’t have much time to communicate with you.

“I do not know what to do with this relationship. I am going back and forth between ending it and carrying on”. You like him, “felt so at ease” with him, “like a warm blanket, like balm on my wounds”, a rare experience for you, but you also “often end up feeling sad and disappointed because I want more of him and I am not getting it”. You doubt if he really is too busy to email you more often, wondering if he is afraid to get attached to you, suspecting that when he told you that you are beautiful and intelligent, he was just sweet talking you”.

You ended your original post with: “I’ll stop here. If you have thoughts on my situation, please share”.

My thoughts about your situation: I see your only moral obligation as that of a mother to her preteen son, and none to who you refer to as your partner. Reads like there is no merit in your relationship with said partner, nothing there other than perhaps a practical arrangement in regard to finances, a shared house and being co-parents.

I don’t think that this very poor quality partnership is worth maintaining by supplementing it with a friend with benefits. I think that this very poor quality partnership should be resolved: separate the finances, separate residences, co parent effectively and be a single woman, free to meet another single man.

I think that what you need more than anything in a relationship is a man you can trust,  a man who will be available to you, a man who  is patient and respectful. Perhaps you met a man like this before, but failed to form a relationship with him because you weren’t aware of and weren’t focused on what you truly needed from a man.

The man you met a few times, he is not available to you because he is very busy career wise and with his own partner and children. There is no reason for you to compromise this way: separate from your own pseudo partner and seek an available, single partner, worthy of a true, quality partnership.

That August 2019 “glimmer of hope”, that made you “feel alive, feel whole and good again”, as well as the Feb 2020 the feeling of being “at ease with someone.. like a warm blanket, like balm on my wounds”- you can experience these feelings with a man you haven’t yet met, a trustworthy, available, patient and respectful man. Your choice should not be limited to these two men, neither one of whom you can or should trust.

Feel free to let me know of your thoughts about my reply, and we can communicate further.

anita

Dear Isabelle:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation. I didn’t know you left your son’s father, that’s good news to me.

Regarding whom you refer to as your friends with benefits, if he was a good part of the reason you left your son’s father, then meeting him was of benefit to you.

“It may sound foolish.. I feel like a drowning person who has finally found a buoy to hold on to”- it is not foolish for a drowning person to hold on to a buoy. It is instinctive and naturally.. wise.

Part of the reason I suggested to not proceed with him is because of the distress and distrust in him that you described. If overall there is more distress than comfort+joy in your relationship with him, then it’s not much of a buoy for you anymore.

“The kind of men you described, I have never met” – how wonderful it will be when you do meet one. I met a good man in my later forties, now married to him.

“Any advice on how to find the courage to end this relationship with my friends-with-benefits would be most welcome”- no rush to end this relationship: you don’t see him, if I understand correctly, because of quarantine, on one hand, and on the other you moved out of your ex’s two months ago, and you need something… or  someone  to hold on to, that buoy you mentioned.  So don’t pressure  yourself to let go  of him.

But keep in mind the distress vs. comfort/joy balance so that you are not holding on to a buoy-turned-cement brick that will drag you down, under water.

Be kind to yourself, aim at peace of mind and a better life for yourself, have you (and your son) be your number one priority. Post here anytime and I will be glad to reply to you every time you post.

anita

Dear Isabelle:

Yes, please don’t pressure yourself especially at a time when you are distressed, because of the pandemic taking a toll on your mental health.

“I am what is called a ‘highly gifted person’. Two separate psychologists diagnosed me”-

I read in Wikipedia a bit on “intellectual giftedness”. If I understand correctly, highly gifted is a term that many educators use to describe children who are superior intellectually but lag behind in emotional development or other aspects, like Einstein who was intellectually superior but learned to speak later than children his age.

I looked at a website (gifted matter. com/ diagnosis gifted) and if I understand correctly, some psychotherapists took the term from its educational/ children context to psychotherapy/adult context, offering psychotherapy designed to fit highly gifted adults.

The website reads: “giftedness is not a specialty in which formal training is offered”, but nonetheless offers therapy that addresses the special needs of the highly gifted adults.

It reads: “giftedness is a (neurological) asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experience and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm.. Emotional sensitive itself shouldn’t be a target of therapy. Emotional sensitivity is not a pathology nor is it a lack of maturity… Many gifted people have low self-esteem or have imposter syndrome and believe they will eventually be ‘caught‘. Conversely, many gifted people try to hide or camouflage their intelligence for a variety of reasons.. Sometimes the problems a gifted person experiences result from a poor fit- relationship, environment, academic, or expectations.”

Are the parts I italicized in the quote true to you, and if so, will you elaborate on these things? I ask because I want to understand you and your challenge with P better. Answer if you would like to. I will be away from the computer in a few moments and back in about 12 hours from now. If you reply I will be glad to read and post to you again when I am back.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .

Another Thought!!:

If he emails you once a week, you take two weeks to respond. If he writes ten sentences, you write five. He will either yearn for you or this whole thing will gracefully end. NEVER be the one asking for more. Let him think other men are indeed contacting you because of your brilliance and beauty. Would a brilliant beauty be chasing after some schlub who only writes once a week? (The Mensa answer would be “No”). The person who responds less and has less to say has more power in the relationship.

Mic Drop,

Inky