You don’t have to answer this if it’s too personal, but have you two never been able to have sex at all or is it just few and far between because of his performance anxiety?

I have to wonder what they are doing in his therapy sessions. There are cognitive behavioral techniques that can be done that might help a lot, but that knowledge is going to depend on what kind of therapist he is seeing. Does he go there just to talk to them about what’s going on or do they have him working on different techniques to try to get over his anxiety around it? Do you know if he has any idea where/when the anxiety started? If it was caused by any certain event?

The next thing is how old are both of you? If you can and if the clock isn’t ticking too fast, per se, I would probably hold off on treatments for now, if it were me. This is something he really should hopefully be able to work through either way (provided he is seeing a good cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist) and IVF treatments are very, very expensive.

I kind of wonder about exposure therapy, which in his case would sort of work like what Anita was talking about… you two engaging in a sexual relationship without him having to worry about getting an erection… starting with the smallest things that feel good like just holding each other in bed with no expectations, etc., and working your way up to other intimate things, with the key being no pressure and no expectations, just going into it ready to enjoy whatever happens.

Generally, when people have irrational anxieties/fears around things that are completely safe, they can often get over those fears by increasingly participating in those things until they eventually learn through their own experience that those things are, in fact, completely safe and nothing to fear. So I definitely agree that it’s possible that him getting more comfortable with sexual activities without having to worry about getting an erection could get him out of that loop. Doing that would take a lot of the pressure off of him in that moment, and he’ll be more likely to realize the pleasure sex brings, which should hopefully diminish the fear.

(Keep in mind here though that I’m a random person on the internet who doesn’t actually know your husband, so it’d be a good idea to run that by his therapist).

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Valora.

Dear Neha;

You are welcome. I can’t say it better than Valora said it in her post to you above, the way to go about it.

It is best to not put any pressure on him at all, none whatsoever. Any pressure adds to his anxiety and keeps him in that loop. Therefore, better you get pregnant without intercourse, with medical help. The baby will still be a product of your egg and his sperm. It will be the same baby no matter what it took to get that egg and sperm together.

May there be love between you and your husband, between parents and children- no unnecessary pressures and stress.

anita