Confused, Stressed, worried and need help, to help my relationship

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 11 months, 1 week ago.

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    Hi, So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3.5 years so going on 4 years. The beginning of our relationship was wondeful, just like most. We were mainly freinds first and before i even realized i had liked him on my own, I was telling people that no matter what, I wanted him in my life. We laughed so much together and he made my heart happy. I think even in the beginning though I slightly felt more interested in him. Then something would happen and it would completely change my mind. We spent a lot of time together and I always wanted to be with him and vise versa. When we first met, we were in college and it was summer. We had stayed up at school so there wasn’t as many people as normal, since a lot of kids go back home for the summer. To me this was the best part of our relationship. When all the kids came back things were still good. He drank a lot/had a lot of parties, well because he was in college. I didn’t really do that before I met him but started too and always had a lot of fun with him. At this point, we still werent obviously dating but were exclusive. One of his female friends had mention to him how great we were together and how we should just date already and he asked me soon after. I started getting jealous though and little things starting happening that made me uncomfortable. He had a lot of female friends and would drink a lot. So we starting fighting and things just went really bad for a little while. He left me a two times and I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. One fight we had, we went to a bar and his ask saw him there. She walked up to him and they started talking. I wasn’t by him and saw them and he seemed so happy that I was crushed. I walked up to them and asked him to come with me in front of her and he didn’t. It turned into one of our huge fights we have and I was bawling and crushed. I felt like he would be happier with her and I fell apart. He later on apologized and told me he had no feelings for her etc. He would go out and party and ignore my calls and I would freak out crying, being jealous, asking if girls were there. I’d call over and over and would lose control over myself. He felt like he couldn’t go out, be with his friends or do anything. So we broke up twice. The last time, over 2 years ago. Days before he graduated. I moved home, was so hurt I couldn’t be at his graduation. But we shortly got back together. I was the one who contacted him though and initiated us getting back together. Now that he has been out of college and doesn’t party as much things did get a lot better. We live together now so things like that aren’t really a problem.
    But now about a year ago, we started having problem with his sister in law. They were really close and I MEAN REALLY close. It made me uncomfortable and I said something. I began to feel like I would never be the most important thing to him and could never compare to her, to his ex, his family or anyone he had already had in his life. It never seemed like I made him happy like them. It really hurt me. Then she would comment on his butt and weird things like that. Would comment on our pictures of us that i posted and only mention him. Would run yelling his name hugging him, without acknowledging me. It was just a bit much. I told him how i felt and he went and told her behind my back and her words “she was enraged” She had asked me out to dinner, and I didn’t know she knew. So I thought she was just reaching out. I was pleasantly surprised but then I was blind sided because she wanted to discuss it. It was extremely uncomfortable. Things completely spiraled put of control. Me, my bf, her and her by (my bf brother AND best friend, now het husband) tried to work things out but nothing worked. It was always uncomfortable at family events. My boyfriend and I would fight and it was terrible and gave us all so much anxiety. My boyfriend basically lost his brother and best friend. I felt like I was my fault. At one point whole we were staying with his parents for a few months she came into our room without my consent and said we had to figure it out which turned into her yelling and swearing at me. I didn’t know what to do. During all of this I wanted him to cut her out of his live because of the way she treated me but he said he couldn’t be of his brother. I feel so insecure now and go through phases feeling like his family hates me. They moved so we don’t have to deal with them as much now but it sometimes is still a problem. He deleted messages from him so I wouldn’t see them as well (so I wouldn’t get anxiety) but then lied about it for a solid 10 minutes before telling me he did delete them.

    Because of these type of things, I have trust issues with him now. With his sister in law, with the ex, leaving me etc. Things just keep building up.

    When we got back together. I really struggled with worrying he would leave me again. If we fought, during the stuff with the sister in law etc. We really had to work through it and I asked him all the time if he still wanted this. And I still kinda do. I just feel insecure and broken.

    I feel so worried when he is on his phone and everything cause me so much worry and anxiety. Some of it I know is me and that I have to let go, trust, believe him and show him love. He tells me to try to believe what he’s saying and to trust him. He always tells me that he will always want this, no one can change that, not his family, another girl, no one. We talk about getting married and he brings up wanting to look at rings but I still feel this way. He will be on his phone and I have to have him show me what he’s doing. Sometimes on Twitter someone will post a picture of a hot girl or something like that and I’ll walk in the room and he knows I’ll want to see what he’s doing so he’ll try to scroll past it before I can see it. I’ll get anxiety and feel like I can’t trust him.

    I want to be with him. We pray together, have continued to work on our relationship together, talk through our issues and come up with new ideas to help with me not trusting him. But it’s just not where I want it to be and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep feeling this insecurity. I worry no matter what he his doing. I always feel insecure. It crushes me. I’m overwhelmed and sad. I know he is too because he hates me feeling this way as well and always says we can get passed it. Work though it and that he’ll never give up but I feel like he eventually will.

    These things are stacked in my head and I have flashbacks and can’t get over it. Even down to his female friend telling him about us dating. I feel like, would he of asked if she didn’t say something? Would we have gotten back together if I wouldn’t have reached out to him? Does he really want this? Did he love his ex more then me and he was happier? Is he talking to people behind my back and they all just hate me?

    I need some hope or advise, new perspective or some help with this please.



    Dearest Brooke
    I recently left a very toxic relationship of 2 years and </span>I was very in love with this man however, When I met my boyfriend he came across as very calm and ready with himself kinda guy. That was what I were attracted to in him. As time went by I started to see signs of insecurity with his behavior towards me, like him trying to suppress me with the silent treatment and not responding to my message for hours. When we had arguments he usually shut down all communication and went for a walk for hours. Eventually I were the one who apologized for everything and the only one to try to patch things up. This of course took a toll on my self confidence and my energy levels hit rock bottom. What I would also would like to mention is that Im a strong and confident woman who can manage life by myself, meaning Im not in “need” of a man but would like to meet someone to share my life with of course. However as this relationship progressed it diminished and broke me down. In the end I were not able to see this clearly and I were only occupied and concerned with fixing us and him instead of me. The turning point came when he one weekend totally shut down all communication and texted me saying he needed time to think. This message came10 hours after I tried to call and text him several times but by then I were an emotional wreck. That weekend I started to google, “Toxic relationships,” “Is he good for me?”, ”He is draining me” and so on.… I read for hours and all at once I realized; I NEED TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. Im letting him treat me bad, Im letting him suppress me. I am responsible for allowing this behaviour to continue.

    I broke up the relationship that following day and I don’t think I need to say how I feel now, but I will anyways. I feel great, I feel blessed and very grateful. And Im already out there again dating and meeting new people who are or at least trying to improve themselves everyday and trying stay in contact with their emotions. And of corse so am I.

    Break up, Leave the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respect you.That person will show up when you start to improve you and focus on yourself.

    With Love



    • This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by  Omni.


    Dear Brooke:

    From reading your post I don’t see anything about your boyfriend’s behavior that would be a deal breaker for me, if I was in your place. It reads to me that your anxiety has been spiraling out of control for  a while and that there is nothing he can do to calm it, not for long. I believe that it is very important for your well-being, as well as his, that the two of you attend quality psychotherapy, as a couple.

    Most important to not get married unless your anxiety is dealt with so that you don’t react to it the same ways, over time destroying the relationship and maybe his love for you, a love that is evident to me in your sharing.




    Hi Brooke,

    The disrespect towards you in college, you still being with someone from college, living with him and him allowing his family to be entrenched in his relationship with you are each thing by itself not necessarily a deal breaker. But all four of those things together? I’d go nuts. Break up, move out, reset, and start over. With someone new.






    I agree with anita.  From what I took from your post is that your insecurity and anxiety sabotaged your relationship with your boyfriend.

    …a lot of female friends

    …talking to a female at a bar and did not come right away when you interrupted them

    …comparing yourself to his family in terms of making him happy

    …trying to get him not to associate with his sister-in-law, basically having him separate from his brother

    …don’t trust him because he hides some things that he knows that will upset you

    Sure the sister-in-law is mean but from I can discern most of these issues are of your own making.  It comes back to your insecurity and anxieties.

    Address them with therapy.  If your boyfriend wants to continue to work on the relationship then get some couples counseling as well.


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