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Considerations for a Life Alone

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  • April 20, 2015 at 8:34 pm #75610
    Olic
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I am posting this here because I wanted to get a broader perspective on something I have been pondering.

    I have had one serious relationship. It began at the beginning of college and lasted five years. The year after the breakup was a year of massive change for me, and I feel that I am now a much stronger, thoughtful, and happy person.

    The one concern is this: I have lost any interest in a relationship with a woman. I tried my hand at dating a little bit after the breakup, but so far have had no real interest from anyone. It was like this in high school too, and considering it made me realize some unpleasant suspicions that I harbored during the relationship. These are outside of the scope of this post though.

    Last month I realized that this was the way things would be for the rest of my life. I realized that I view relationships as things that other people have but which I do not. Instead, I should pour any energy I might have spent on trying to find somebody into my career, education, and fitness. I have redoubled my workout regimen, took up a martial art, and started spending more time reading about philosophy and the proper way to live one’s life. My interest in relationships has ebbed away further. This is not to say that I am depressed or explicitly negative.

    My concern is that while this all may make perfect sense in my head, people often will act on a notion which makes sense at the time, but which retrospection reveals to be obviously foolish. I think that by seeking guidance by such a thoughtful and diverse community as Tiny Buddha, I might glean a more balanced perspective.

    All the best –

    April 21, 2015 at 9:02 am #75633
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Olic,

    Good to know you are making so much progress, especially for your mind and health. Frankly, dont let bitterness cause yourself to shut it out, if indeed there are other things on your mind now, i think thats fine really. Its okay to take a break from relationships although the idea of rest of my life is a very hard one to make because we’re all changing, right? Who knows what will happen in the future? My point is, keep your heart open if the universe happens to make you meet someone special again. I met someone incredible after my relationship of 5.5 years ended when i least expected it. Although, i think by then i was ready to really move on and was happier with myself. Everyone is different though but we must keep our mind and heart open to change. There is nothing permanent in life except change.

    Meanwhile, keep doing doing whatever makes you happy either way. Dont try to have all the answers in one go. Only time will tell.

    – Moon

    April 22, 2015 at 7:45 pm #75693
    Olic
    Participant

    Hi Moongal,

    First, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.

    I do feel like I have made a lot of progress – it’s been thrilling and sometimes scary but I am thankful to it. I think you are right regarding bitterness. People who are bitter mistake it as a wisdom and a strength when in reality it is just evidence that they can’t handle reality on reality’s terms and must protect themselves.

    I guess that I don’t feel like I am closing myself off but instead that I have just let the the feelings decay. I don’t rule it out, but I guess I feel like I completely ignore it now. There isn’t any kind of longing, loneliness, or sadness for the most part and I guess that’s what concerns me. It’s a very “meh” feeling.

    Still, I suppose that a big mistake is assuming something is certain forever. With everything that has changed with me in the past five years I can’t imagine what is going to change in the next five.

    Thanks again Moongal!

    April 22, 2015 at 8:49 pm #75706
    Christopher.m
    Participant

    Olic,

    Interesting situation. You obviously have a lot or self control and discipline that is to be applauded. I agree focusing your energy on your career makes sense until you’ve reached your goals and are more established.

    My advice is to not suppress your sexual needs and desires should they arise. Don’t settle for paid sex or pornography. (Not accusing you but I’ve seen it happen). The real thing is better and you deserve to have a good sex life should you have the time to pursue it. If you are being placed in the friend zone by desirable mates then message me back and I can elaborate on this common pitfall for men seeking meaningful romantic relationships. Lastly don’t be ashamed on your masculine energy and having sexual needs.

    April 23, 2015 at 6:21 pm #75735
    Olic
    Participant

    christophermcd,

    Thanks for the reply!

    I certainly don’t see it as something to be ashamed of. It’s not that I don’t have the time to pursue a sex life, but that I feel like I’ve given up. I don’t feel like I suppress my sexual/romantic desires – but I do feel like they are beginning to wane.

    I frankly don’t know what female interest actually looks like but I don’t think that I get it. Added to this, I study graduate math at a tech school which is a recipe for isolation from women. I am by no means passive, asocial, or sedentary. I tend to be the person that arranges outings, and introduces new people to my social circles. From the lack interest I drew that I was unlikely to have anyone interested in me seeing as I have been single for a bit less than two years now.

    About a month ago, I thought about this and came to the conclusion that it is very likely that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. With that in mind, I decided that if I were going to spend the rest of my life alone, I would still make it as excellent of one as possible. The loss of interest in relationships/sex came after this, and was followed by my increased intensity in other areas of my life.

    Thanks again!

    April 24, 2015 at 2:19 am #75755
    Will
    Participant

    I think the single life is underrated by a lot of people. If you have interests and friends and family that keep you occupied and bring you flow and satisfaction, there’s nothing wrong with not participating in the coupling institutions. Batchelorhood has a long and veritable history.

    The only note I would make is that sometimes “meh” is a cover. Some things we honestly feel “meh” about, but at other times what’s going on is this: “I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling about this so I’m just going to cover it over with ‘meh’.” I don’t think it could hurt to honestly consider if that’s what’s going on, to welcome, as it were, whatever feeling might be under the “meh”. And if there’s nothing, then go live your life and don’t worry about romance. It’s not for everyone, and plenty of people do fine without it.

    April 24, 2015 at 8:35 am #75761
    mimicus
    Participant

    Hi Olic, I’m sort of in the same boat as you. While I haven’t experienced being in a relationship, I’ve observed and started noticing recently that I never had any interest in doing so ever in my life (I haven’t been attracted enough to anyone to do it). And I’m honestly planning to keep it that way because as some have said here, being in a relationship is overrated, especially considering how the “there is someone for everyone” advice gets tossed around.

    I think you should consider the idea of any bitterness being left behind from the last relationship that you mentioned you were in and once you are clear that you don’t have any, try to analyse the situation in a more practical light – do you not feel any physical attraction to any woman i.e. is it possible that you are asexual? Or do you feel only physical attraction but no romantic attraction – something that is called being an “aromantic”?

    I don’t think it is wrong in any way for a person to lead a life alone, as I said, I’m doing it and I’m planning on continuing to do so. As long as you are occupied and do not see the situation in a negative way, you should be good. It doesn’t really have to be set in stone though – if you ever come across someone who you like, you can always go ahead with what you feel like.

    April 26, 2015 at 9:04 am #75832
    Olic
    Participant

    Hey guys,

    Thanks for your replies.

    I have been examining my feelings and I think that the “meh” feeling is a cover. I think it just comes down to me being too busy as I finish my thesis and coursework. I’ve come to the conclusion that it must not be something I really want right now. The priorities seem to be getting paid and having adventures.

    I did very much enjoy being in a relationship, and am certainly not asexual but given the work load right now, and the lack of the opposite sex around me, I’ll wait for a while.

    Thanks again! I think I’m set for now at least!

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