Hi Taiga

I have a friend who is married who had been with his girlfriend for a long time, he knew about her issues with sex. It is very painful for her so she doesn’t do it. Despite this, they love each other, are happy and stay together.

He has sex elsewhere. He has a rule that he will never develop feelings for another person and it is just sex. This is because he deeply loves his partner.

It sounds like you didn’t know about her issues with sex before you married her? That is very difficult and a betrayal because you were lied to about it. Tricked into a marriage that you didn’t knowingly choose. But um people have reasons for not being honest. Maybe she felt ashamed and that you would leave her? Or that she was just unaware because she was a virgin at marriage?

I don’t think that she would want you to feel bad about yourself. The rejection is painful but it sounds like this situation is nothing to do with you. It is her situation that she has.

It is up to you how you want to handle this situation. Whether you should seek sex elsewhere or to end the marriage.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear taiga:

You shared that you’ve known your wife since the two of you were in your early 20s, (now in your early 30s), been married for more than 5 years, and you “have great admiration and respect for her and..  doting on her“. You want to have sex and a family with her, but every time you tried to consummate the marriage, she rejected you. You figure that she might have “fears and possibly pains“, and tried to persuade her to see a medical specialist, but “she doesn’t seem to think that there is an issue by brushing me off“.

“It is so bad that at times, I’d imagine that I better off stop living in this world… I have now come to the verge of giving up, perhaps myself or this relationship…  feeling like a loser or a creep. I look around and see my peers are having a happy family with their kids and it just makes me feel very useless not being able to even consummate our marriage“-

– it is interesting that in a paragraph earlier, in your 2nd sentence, you wrote: “have been happily married“, doesn’t read like happy when you imagine that you might be better off not living in this world, when you feel like a loser or a creep, useless and envious of your peers.

“I have great admiration and respect for her… she doesn’t seem to think that there is an issue by brushing me off“- seems like she doesn’t respect you when she repeatedly and knowingly ignores an issue that is troubling you so much.

In some places you can legally annul a marriage for lack of consummation. Here’s from nyc divorce lawyers. com/ can our marriage be annulled if it was never consummated: “When a couple divorces, it is documented in the county in which they live. If a couple is granted an annulment, the marriage is completely erased from all records as if it never happened at all. Because this type of dissolution is so extreme, there must be a good reason for it to be granted. Below is an overview of how annulments work and if you can obtain one if your marriage was never consummated…

“The law allows annulments to take place in cases where the marriage was never consummated or one party was impotent or otherwise unable to consummate the marriage. It is important to determine if one party was deceitful and never intended to consummate the marriage in an annulment, as well”.

Notice the last sentence in the quote above: if your wife never intended to consummate the marriage, then she has been deceitful.. and that’s definitely disrespectful of you.

More thoughts and quotes:

Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction to others, having a low or absent interest or desire for sexual activity. Your wife may be asexual.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is a diagnosable disorder in regard to having a low/ absent sexual desire for an extended period of time, and which causes the person distress.

Psychology today/ sexual desire disorder: “Sexual desire disorder is a psychiatric condition marked by a lack of desire for sexual activity over a prolonged period… To meet the criteria for female sexual interest-arousal disorder, the symptoms must be present for at least six months and cause significant distress to the individual…

“Some risk factors for developing a sexual desire disorder include: * Negative attitudes about sexuality, *Relationship difficulties (poor communication, abuse)… * Medical conditions… * History of emotional or physical abuse… * Other psychiatric diagnosis (depression, anxiety) * medication side effects..”.

Is the above of any help to you, taiga?

anita

Over the life time of a marriage the need for intimacy evolves and changes. It is regular for partners in long marriages to shift the need from physical intimacy to emotional intimacy, but at thebeginning a marriage needs physical intimacy.

All marriages are 50/50 , so deep down you married this woman knowing she had issues with intimacy, most likely because you also have the similar issues with intimacy and you both found each other as a safe harbour with no pressure to be intimate

I suggest that the first question you need to answer for your self is around your own sexuality : are you addicted to porn or have you a fetish that diverts your desire. Be totally honest with your self before you proceed.

Once you accept your own sexuality I suggest that you both find a good sex therapist who will gently help you navigate this difficult path , the end result may be a gate way to intimacy with your wife or a mutual acceptance that the marriage is over, freeing you both to find more compatible life partners.

Deciding to do nothing is also a decision, so accept that what every you decide to do the next few years will be difficult , if you chose the path way of enlightenment you both will find freedom , either together or separately. If you decide to do nothing , you face a life time stuck in this rut that.