Controlling anger and resentment towards my mother

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    Hi… I posted on this site a few years ago when I was struggling for a different reason and it helped me 🙂

    When I finished university, I came back home to live with my mother. It’s just the two of us. My father hasn’t really given us any support througout my life. It’s been 3 years and it has become harder and harder to live with her. She’s struggles with back pain/ insomnia/migraines which limits the amount she can work so I pay for almost everything (on a PhD salary which is not great). I feel she can do more to help herself. I think her back pain is because she is over-weight but she gets annoyed when I encourage her to exercise (she says she walks but it’s just not enough). Instead she complains about mundane things, daily. She worries about finance so our rented flat is always dark, lights off. She buys the cheapest food so our diet is not great. She hates our neighbours so we always have to whisper. If I try to do almost anything, she hoovers and watches, tells me I’m making a mess. This is not a home for me. It feels like a prison and I am going insane. All this has lead to resentment and anger towards her and argueing (which she hates because I’m not whispering).

    My boyfriend and I have decided we want to move in together. We found a flat and move in in 5 weeks. I feel so much relief that I am getting away, but at the same time, I’m financially terrified of paying my mums rent and new rent and most importantly I worry for my mother. But.. I HAVE to get out. My mental health is progressively worsening meaning the arguements are getting worse and my thoughts are… damaging me. But I don’t want these next 5 weeks with my mother to be completely hell… i need to find a way to cope and manage my emotions. Stay on top of my anger and be kind and patient. Any advice or thoughts would be massively appreciated. Thank you 🙂


    Dear Melissa:

    Congratulations for moving out in five weeks from now (beginning of April I figure). You are doing the right thing to be moving out from what feels like prison, a place/person (your mother) who harms your mental health.

    My suggestion for the next five weeks is that you spend as little time as possible with your mother, and that when you feel distressed, repeat to yourself that this situation is temporary, that in five weeks, this situation will be over. Also, promise yourself to not return to this situation in the future.

    I empathize with you for how very difficult it is to live with.. a very difficult person.



    Hi Melissa,

    Sorry to hear what you are going through. I can imagine it’s difficult to live somewhere that is not comfortable or energizing.

    It sounds like your Mom is in a tough spot. I am just speculating, but if she suffers from migraines and back pain, she is probably having a rough go. It may be a vicious circle where she isn’t well physically and mentally to work on herself. This isn’t for you to take on, but perhaps just looking at her situation with empathy rather than anger? I know it’s easier said than done, but if you know you are moving out soon, it may be worth a go. I felt sad reading about Mom, as it may be difficult for her to lose weight and feel better. Many times, the more weight you gain, the harder it is to lose it, as your body aches, you feel shame, and your self worth is waning.

    Maybe a gentle talk with her would be a start. Saying something like you love her, but it is difficult for you to whisper, argue, be around negativity. And then do the opposite…talk positively around her, bring her up, give her a hug, be gentle and kind. It is so hard, but sometimes that kindness can bring out the best in others, as it brings their spirits up.

    Also, if your Mom is having a tough time with bills, can she apply for assistance? May be worth trying.

    Good luck to you. Just remember that when people don’t feel well, are ill, or feel sad, it’s hard for them to be positive. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it’s usually not about you.  Be well. x

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