Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.”

― Socrates

Basically this means you have better things to spend your time and energy on don’t waste time with the negative 🙂

Krista,

In addition to Will’s boot camp potential, consider a few things about your disturbed friend. It sounds like he is suffering quite a bit. Sometimes when we have instability inside, when we encounter challenging stresses (such as seeing uncomfortable events, “idiot people”, political maneuvers etc) there is a juggernaut that gets revved up. It churns and churns, spitting out negative energy. As you’ve noticed, being exposed to his energy becomes disorienting for you, painful. Imagine what nonsense is going on inside for him to act so foolishly!

Now, its not your issue, not really. The cow bit is yours, the way his icky inspires your icky is yours… but him and his vibrant, angry dance is his karma, his baggage. Freedom from it leeching over into you is all about boundaries. The way my teacher helped me see it was by describing it like a whirlwind.

Imagine for a moment, he gets upset, and the juggernaut revvs up like a whirlwind. His perceptions, thoughts, emotions and so forth get caught in a cycle of garbage. In and out… seeing ugly, thinking ugly, acting ugly. Spinning, spinning. We don’t have to do anything with the whirlwind, it just blows and blows… until eventually the fire goes out, he becomes bored or exhausted. Then, for him, its like it never happened. Perhaps he is ashamed, so ignores that it happened, or tries to make up for it with sweetness and kind words. Perhaps he doesn’t know he’s being negative, doesn’t know there are multiple ways to approach a situation. Who knows. His whirlwind, not yours.

From your side, consider that the whirlwind doesn’t actually hurt… its just wind and momentum. He stubs his toe, blames everyone else, curses, acts a fool, then stops. Nothing to do, no real impact. Just shapes and colors, passing in front of your tender mind. But, you’ve been pretty intimate with him, which kind of hooks your nurturing, your kindness. Consider that you took him in, in very personal ways, before knowing him as well as you do now. This weakens your boundary to him, makes his whirlwind more seductive, more gravity to it. Said differently, you sort of opened the Krista garden gates to him, so the whirlwind is more impactful.

Once you’re seeing and relating to the whirlwind with less attachment, seeing his cycle of BS (and not blaming him, judging him… consider that his childhood was twisted)… then you have free will to do what you want. If you want him out of the Krista garden, uninvite him. “You are unwelcome here, begone from my core.” and as he dances negatively, disengage. Look away, trail away, put on some music, sing a song. Like a man knocking and knocking at your door, just don’t answer it. What I do is bring all of my attention to my breath, seeing whatever is arising as passing right through me… keeping my mind open, alert, but not grabbing onto anything. Like walking through a cold snowstorm… sure, its cold… but you dont have to do anyhing with the cold. Just walk, and eventually you get back into your house and warm up. Happy, open, he comes to you and bitches snd moans, cold, sheesh, but then he goes, and your heart becomes warm, happy open again. “Be peaceful, brother, I forgive you.” to his back as he walks away, and you’re done. He’s out, gone. As you practice in this way, perhaps your connection to him will erode.

The other option is to embrace him as a lost brother, suffering needlessly because of old habits that have entrenched him in a fiery mental hell. Its painful to be full of anger… it scours away our joy, and isolates us from others. For instance, imagine what that three days might be like for him. This “silent treatment” is more likely an anger cloud, shame cloud, or something… keeping his mind busy churning and churning. Ouch! If you wish to try to “push through” and help the connection with him grow in a better direction, then you’ll need patient endurance.

Consider for a moment that perhaps he is a loving being trapped in painful cycles. When he cycles, he acts like a baby, throwing a temper tantrum. Words, like fists, fly out as he vomits his compressed feelings everywhere. These things stick in the intimacy, remaining as karma in the connection. After the wind blows out, he tries to ignore it, as though his actions have no impact. That is delusion, and you know better, because you’re liking him less and less over time. So, in a quiet space, perhaps over the make up dinner, bring it up. Don’t let it slide. Be forgiving, accepting his patterns are from old unhealed pains, but try to invite him see your side. If the whirlwind kicks up, just breathe, not yours. Much like dealing with a four year old that doesn’t want to eat their vegetables. “Cry and moan, dear child, but broccoli is the next thing you’re eating from me. Become negative and spin, and I’ll leave if I must, but this knot between us remains my focus, do you wish to see my side or not?”

And then, all the decisions stay on his side. He can come to the plate and start unweaving, finding self compassion, learning to be nicer, learning his anger has consequences… or, he’ll go and find a new dumping ground, a new being to lash at when he gets mad, a new toilet to poop in. Its no fun to get angry at someone that holds us accountable for our actions… so he’ll grow or move on.

Either path is a beautiful Krista. Consider that there is no reason for your life to be an endurance trial, so shutting him out, uninviting him from your space is fine. One of my teachers said that sometimes the lesson of the thorn bush is learning how to stop pressing our face into it. It really is up to you, and what you wish to see, have and grow. As you sit with the pieces, what do you wish to do? There’s no guarantee he’ll change… that’s between him, his conditions, his desires and whatnot. But you can be free either way.

Finally, consider that if you’ve been absorbing his energy, his emotions sparking off icky feelings inside you, then perhaps bolstering your love and warmth would be a great kindness to yourself. Self nurturing does that… it helps open the space back up, let go of him and his pokes, and settle back into your heart. Take a bath with candles, go for walks in nature, turn off the TV and computer and practice your art, your passions. These kinds of actions help us remember our own light, our own heartsong. Much like a room isn’t as shadowy if there is a lightbulb on, other people’s negativity isn’t as disruptive when our inner light is radiant, nourished through self care.

Namaste, sister, may you find your space open, garden blooming.

With warmth,
Matt