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Could I Be Any Lonlier

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  • #330349
    Guthries
    Participant

    After my ex-husband died of cancer last year, I followed through with a plan we had to move out to the desert. I followed through with the plans, I bought the house and here I am. Since I’ve moved here, I’ve been renovating and getting things situated the way I like them.

    So on an average day, it’s just me and my dog and sometimes the guy working on my house. That’s an average day. If I venture down to the dog park I may see another person or two in the morning then in the evening is when there is a gang of people with their unruly dogs who are unfriendly and mean. There’s a whole other story for this but I was assaulted and these people have spread nasty rumors around the community about me and as a result, most people here don’t speak to me because they believe these people’s lies. I’m okay with this because I know the truth.

    My next door neighbor emerged from her coma or something and commenced to start trouble with me. First it was hacking away at bushes on my property line then she thought my dog was pooping in the bushes so she invited another neighbor over with his Great Dane to poop on my property line and the had another neighbor leave more poop on my property. I was speechless. I don’t engage with her because she’s passive-aggressive and will only deny what she is accused of. She knows I have a camera so she made sure everything was done out of the view of the camera. I didn’t confront her about this. She ran around telling anyone who would listen that I was responsible for letting my dog poop in the bushes which wasn’t true but people seemed keen to believe it so more people stopped speaking to me.

    So in my little community I’m like a pariah, not that I would be friends with any of these people anyway. My reputation has been ruined beyond repair and there’s nothing I can do about it. None of the things being said about me are true. It makes me very sad and I’m powerless to do anything about any of it. I don’t have any friends here. My best friends are back east and I don’t really want to keep burdening them with my problems here. I’ve actually made a couple of friends here, that’s it. I’m not big into having lots of friends anyway.

    I’m female and tend to get along better with men anyway. I think it comes from having brothers. I just don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. Just wondering if anyone has ever had to overcome this kind of adversity before. I know there is some sort of lesson in it for me but I fail to see it right now. All I see right now is that these people are hateful and mean-spirited. I feel very lonely and isolated.

    #330455
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Guthries:

    “just wondering if anyone has ever had to overcome this kind of adversity.. people are hateful and mean-spirited.. feel very lonely and isolated”- I experienced that myself and I think almost everyone has because human aggression is very common, be it direct or indirect aka passive- aggressive.

    Regarding people with whom a friendly relationship is not possible and where there is history of hate, nothing to do but stay away from them and minimize the chances of future hateful incidents. Good thing you made a couple of friends in the desert. Maintain those and make more friends, one at a time, so that eventually you are not as alone and lonely as you are now.

    You are welcome to post here anytime you’d like, to express yourself here, it will not be a burden to anyone, because it is every member’s choice to read.. or not.

    anita

    #330493
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Guthries,

    I think there are a couple lessons in this. The first one is patience. It would be great if you woke up tomorrow and these people suddenly decided to embrace you and accept you into the community, but that’s not going to happen. I find that when person A spreads rumors about person B, those who heard the rumors will stay away from B so as to keep A from turning on them as well. Even when they think B is being mistreated, they won’t reach out to B because they don’t want to be involved, don’t want any anger to be directed at them by A. But over time people change their perspectives.

    So be patient. Build a life for yourself without these people. Do things you love doing….gardening, seeing movies, walking your dog? Smile and always be friendly. Practice mindfulness and meditation. Enjoy your new home. Give it time and see what happens.

    The second lesson is this: Everyone has conflicts with others so when it happens either try to resolve it or move on, but don’t talk about it with others. These people have turned a community against you by talking about their conflicts. Had they stayed quiet, kept the details between you and them, your reputation wouldn’t be ruined. Unfortunately, I find that most people haven’t yet learned this important lesson, or they’re too weak to practice it.

    B

    #330539
    Guthries
    Participant

    I never had much respect for people who fall into groups/gangs and believe what person X says about Y. They only believe the gossip/lies because they want to. No one is forcing them to, it’s a choice. Like my next door neighbors, one was speaking to me until I had problems with the other one and then she stopped speaking to me yet she thinks it’s okay to cut through my driveway to visit the other neighbor. No, it isn’t. That’s being disrespectful. You don’t speak to me but want to use my driveway. No.

    This is the most ridiculous behavior I’ve seen since junior high. I don’t like any of these people. I don’t have anything to say to them so they can continue ignoring me. They have no redeeming qualities that I can ascertain. So until then it’s just me the dog and the contractor. Lonely at times but I’m okay.

    Thanks for the perspectives.

    #330593
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Guthries:

    You wrote in your original post regarding people gossiping about you: “None of the things being said about me are true” – you probably mean that some of the things they said that you heard about are not true. You can’t know all the things that were said about in your absence.

    To gossip is to talk disrespectfully about another person in their absence. We all have to be careful to not gossip because it encourages disrespectful behavior. Let’s say, all I do is talk disrespectfully to X about Y–> X may act disrespectfully toward Y. X may look at Y in an accusatory way, or have a smirk that is unpleasant, or worse, harass Y in some way.

    I didn’t think about a New Year Resolution until this morning, Jan 1, 2020. Here is my resolution: to not talk disrespectfully about a person in their presence and outside their presence.

    I hope your new year is a good year!

    anita

     

     

    #330677
    Guthries
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. Another point of gossip besides talking disrespectfully about another person, it involves spreading information that you know is not true about person, it’s actually slander. I’m Jewish and it is generally frowned upon. I try to be very mindful of what I say about others. I just don’t engage in certain conversations.

    #330683
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Guthries:

    I didn’t consider slander being part of gossip, to spread information that one knows is not true. I am sorry this happened to you, having been slandered!

    As I wrote before, you can post here anytime, and when you do, I will respond honestly and respectfully.

    anita

    #339784
    Guthries
    Participant

    Appreciate you input Anita as always.

    #339788
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Guthries. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #353690
    Guthries
    Participant

    Things aren’t getting much better for me. It’s just me and the dog. The guy I hired to do handyman work on my house turned out to be abusive and beat me up a couple of times. I had to call the police and now have a Temporary Restraining Order against him.

    Never in my life have I been involved with an abusive man. I was extremely generous and the reason he beat me up was that I asked for my keys back and wouldn’t give him $54. Yes. He busted out the passenger window in my car and then pulled me out of the driver’s seat by the collar and drug me along his concrete driveway. Luckily I had my phone in my hand and 911 was on the line. Six squad cars showed up. He had gone back into his apartment when he found out they were on the line because he was planning on hitting me. After a half a dozen threatening phone calls later that evening, the next morning he calls and professes his love for me.

    I haven’t spoken to him in nearly a month yet he keeps calling and texting. I can’t have him arrested because the court date had been moved out to June and I was waiting until 5 days before the court day to serve him but now it’s two weeks away and I have to find someone to serve him because it’s too late to have the Sheriff do it. I’m just trying to minimize the level of violence should there be any. I have not protection from him.

    I’m disabled and survived a traumatic brain injury as a result of a texting driver. I thought the best move for me would be to move to a warm climate and live in state that has medicinal marijuana. I was showing early signs of Parkinson’s Disease according to my neurologist. I struggled with dismal diagnosis for five years until I say another neurologist who basically said that I didn’t have Parkinson’s. I’m still processing that.

    I had prepared to live my live one way and now that I have the physical and mental freedom from PD, the possibilities are endless. My life looks a whole lot different to me except I can’t overcome this endless streak of bad luck that I keep encountering. Here I am looking for someone to drywall my bedroom because the handyman did such a sloppy job and didn’t finish the work, I have to pay someone to finish it. Just about everything he touched has to be redone. He has the nerve to expect me to finish his website. ??? Trusting people is a downfall.

    Trading in my Lexus for my convertible dream car with Carvana. The convertible top is broken and will cost $18,000 to fix. I bought the warranty with the car but they are reluctant to fix the car because of the cost. It sat at the dealer for more than a week. I have to call Carvana to get them to call the warranty company to expedite the repair. The only person talking to me is the guy at the Nissan dealer, he let me know that the car was going to be fixed. Neither Carvana nor the warranty company bothered to call me. I finally have a car with an operational convertible top but all the trouble I went through. Not my fault.

    How much bad luck can I possibly have? I don’t see any positives in any of this. No takeaways either. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

    #353836
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Guthries:

    “He busted out the passenger window in my car and then pulled me out of the driver’s seat by the collar and drug me along his concrete driveway. Luckily I had my phone in my hand and 911 was on the line. Six squad cars showed up”-

    – I imagine the police would have sent you to be medically evaluated for the injuries to your body, for having been drug along the concrete driveway, and having seen the passenger window of your car broken, and your bodily injuries, I imagine they spoke to him and arrested him (?)

    anita

     

    #353908
    Guthries
    Participant

    No. The police did nothing. I’m disabled and have several back injuries. They didn’t arrest him on the spot. The asked me if I wanted to press charges which basically means they would have written him a ticket for damaging my window and another for assault. He would have to appear in court for those. I declined. They all said I should file a Restraining Order, that’s all they could offer.

    I feel sorry for abuse victims because police are not very helpful. Later that evening I got a dozen harassing phone calls one where he said he would make me look like that shattered window. He’s always careful about what he says because he’s an experience abuser but he slipped up and got recorded on my VM which is a federal charge. The officer who took the report had the nerve to compliment his good behavior because he hasn’t threatened me in a few weeks.  He didn’t ask me how I was doing. I was the victim.

    He calls me about every other week but I can’t have him arrested because he hasn’t been served with Restraining Order paperwork yet. I’m waiting 5 days before the court date to improve my chances of not getting harmed. If I serve him now no telling what he will do.

    I’m ready to move on but he such an experienced abuser and liar, I know he’s going to try and finesse the court thing. Wish me luck. I need it.

    #353924
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Guthries:

    Unbelievable.. and yet believable, this world we live in.

    I wish this didn’t happen to you, and that you would have had a good experience since you moved. I do wish you luck and a change of experience, something good happening for a change!!!

    You have to find some social support there, someone who will bring you peace, not war.

    anita

     

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