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Dating and Feeling Powerless

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  • April 7, 2014 at 10:24 pm #54461
    Anei
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I am college student and I have been on 7 dates with a student at a different school over a period of 2 months, or 9 weeks. Since our first date, he has been saying to me that he feels uncomfortable around me when I am quiet and don’t speak much. I know that I am often exhausted from school and from commuting 1 hour to see him. And I am naturally an introvert, and quiet, sometimes shy and very thoughtful. He says he feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know what I’m thinking. I’m confused as to why he never asks me what I’m thinking, if he wants to know? I told him that I open up around people who I know respect, like and care about me, who like who I am. It’s easy for me to open up and be fun, charismatic.

    But I still don’t know him that well, and instead of him being more proactive and trying to provide situations where we can get to know one another more, he just sits back and doesn’t do much. I always initiate. He hasn’t been clear about what he wants – he says he wants to date other people, and he wants to be exclusive, but only with the right person. With me, he wants to date other people because I make him uncomfortable by being introverted. With some other woman, he would be exclusive. And I am not okay with that to any degree. That makes me feel very bad about myself.

    I told him that if he doesn’t like who I am, then I don’t want to date him – and that if he doesn’t want a relationship with me, then I don’t want to date him – because I am looking for a relationship with the right person, too. I feel as though he is pulling me along, and not just being honest and saying it isn’t working. His behavior, the way he treats me, is bringing up very strong emotions of sadness and depression in me.

    I like him a lot. I like what he does, who he is, who he wants to be, but he doesn’t seem to like the same about me. So I think I should call him and end it, but I am SO confused by his actions and behavior. And it really offends and hurts me that he doesn’t want to be exclusive with me, but is leading me on just the same as if he would.

    I cried all day today about this, I’m not sure what else to do.

    April 7, 2014 at 11:24 pm #54462
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anei,

    You deserve better than this. He doesnt even like who you are and you have to take the initiate all the time. Why be with such a guy who cant appreciate you? Its just not worth it. Believe me, if he were really interested he wouldnt have so blatantly told you he doesnt want to be exclusive. When a guy is interested, he shows interest. Why should you make all this crazy effort for someone who just doesnt bother that much?

    I know it hurts but is he really the right one for you? He makes you feel sadness and depression with his confusing actions but at the same time, he’s clearly told you what he wants. Is this the type of man you want? He has made it very clear he just wants to date but if you dont even feel like yourself with him, then that actual chemistry is just missing! Every great relationship involves a good friendship too. Please see these warning signs and move on.

    Be honest with yourself. He may not like you the way you like him but he really worth all this trouble? Why be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? Please give it a thought!

    Lots of love,
    Jess

    April 8, 2014 at 8:40 am #54483
    Chad
    Participant

    You say “His behavior, the way he treats me, is bringing up very strong emotions of sadness and depression in me.” but in the very next thought in the following paragraph you say “I like him a lot.” My dear, why would you like someone who treats you this way, and makes you feel these things?

    I think if you are honest with yourself, and like myself a fellow introvert. I think what you like about him, has less to do with who he actually is, and more of who you want him to be. For introverts we yearn for deep meaningful connection. We truly want to feel comfortable and experience life as extroverts do. However we do it under certain circumstances. Its hard for us to meet people, so when we finally find someone willing to go out on a date with us. The simply act of being there buys them alot of credit. Despite the fact while they are present they may not be treating us well.

    As Jess said, you certainly deserve better. One of the great things about being introverted is we do not need the external validation all the time like most extroverts. We are comfortable in our own skin and know who we are. Dont let this guy take that away from you. You deserve someone who is going to appreciate or at the least understand the way you are, and not put a burden on you to be someone else. In the other hand, you can not hold onto this guy expecting him to be someone he isnt. It doesnt sound like a good fit, and that is ok.

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