Home→Forums→Relationships→Dating with an STI- emotional roller coaster
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July 26, 2017 at 5:50 pm #160426AnonymousInactive
Thanks so much! I do fear his rejection. It terrifies me as I really want to get to know him better and show him im worth sticking with.
When he is busy at work, like today, he will take hours for any replies to text. Again, I assume the worst. All I want to do is see him in person to get that physical/mental reassurance from him, even though I don’t ever tell him how anxious I get. We have only really been able to see each other once a week because of his work schedule, and the time in between is agonizing. I feel like the time apart he will change his mind about me, forget about me, etc. I wish I could just relax and trust things will be ok.
I dont remember ever feeling like this in my past long term relationships. Perhaps because I know hes a great guy and I’m scared to lose him? I want the confidence to tell myself it’ll be ok.
Thanks for listening!
July 27, 2017 at 4:52 am #160470AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
You wrote that you want to show him that you are worth sticking with. This means to me that you are waiting to feel valuable, waiting for a future date when he will give it to you. Rejection by him would mean you are worthless. For as long as he is not rejecting you, there is hope. That hope combined with the waiting, and the once per week get together, is agonizing, isn’t it?
anita
July 30, 2017 at 12:53 pm #161128AnonymousInactiveI have some bad news unfortunately.
I just got a call from him saying he wants to back away from dating because he’s feeling overwhelmed in his life right now. Im in complete shock and don’t know what to do. It came out of nowhere. I asked him if he doesnt ever want to see me again or if he just wants to slow things down. He said he’s not sure.
I feel like I’ve been lead on. The amount of times he says he really likes me, writes xo all the time. Then all of a sudden just because things in his life are going on, he cant handle being with me?
We’re meeting up later to talk, but I feel like whats the point really. I don’t want to be him to be with me, but at the same time I really don’t want to lose him.
I’m in complete shock 🙁
July 31, 2017 at 7:06 am #161244AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
I am reading your latest post about 20 hours after you posted it. I wonder if you had the talk with him since, and if so, what was it about?
Also, would like to know how you are you feeling as you read this, if you are still shocked, otherwise?
anita
July 31, 2017 at 8:52 am #161284AnonymousInactiveHi Anita thanks for your reply!
I went over and we talked for about three hours.
At first it was difficult as I thought it was just over and that was that. But we got into it and what was really going on. Both of us cried a lot. I said I didn’t want to lose him. He kept telling me how amazing I am. The main reason is that he feels right now he’s not emotionally available for me and doesn’t think it’s fair because he can feel me really trying etc. He said he’s going through some things right now and can feel parts of him not wanting to let me in.
We both talked about our insecurities and worries and kind of connected on a deeper level last night.
So we kind of left it as we will still see eachother and be in contact while he works through his stuff. He told me not to worry, but it’s really hard not to because this came out of no where and I’m scared it will happen again so I don’t think I want to get too invested until things get sorted.
So yes still in a bit of shock, but at the same time I feel a little bit closer to him because of how honest and open we were last night.
Heres hoping it will work itself out!
July 31, 2017 at 9:12 am #161288AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
Glad you are feeling better and that the talk last night was long and honest.
Maybe he feels how much you need him, although you just met him recently, how strong of an impact his behavior has on you, and it is a burden for him. Possibly, if he is a decent man, a person with lots of conscience, such emotional dependence on your part is burdensome.
If so, it will be very helpful for the relationship, this beginning relationship, if he feels more equality in terms of who is the strong one and who is the weak one. You should both be strong and weak, responsibly, with each other.
When I felt very weak and dependent a man, I did not imagine him needing me. In reality, men are not stronger than women, men have the same emotions as women. Men get hurt just as women do.
My hope is that the two of you will be there for each other, helping each other.
anita
July 31, 2017 at 9:49 am #161308AnonymousInactiveYes I wouldn’t want him to feel burdened at all. I think my best course of action is to give him space but be there for him too.
He thanked me last night by text saying ‘you’re so amazing. Thank you for taking the time and energy to go through this with me. Xo’
In the meantime too ill take this time to work on myself and what will happen will happen.
July 31, 2017 at 10:13 am #161312AnonymousGuestDear Hearbrokengurl:
What will happen in this beginning relationship, possibly to continue, should not mean an emotional life-or-death situation, the beginning of all or the end of all. This relationship, as desirable as it is for you, it is not necessary for your survival. The “heart broken girl” of before can be heart broken again and survive it.
The key is to get to a point where you do more than surviving, a point where you don’t feel so dependent on what a man will say and do. He is not a god and it is better for the two of you that you will not see him as such. Some men will enjoy it, maybe. To others, it is a great burden.
You wrote: “what will happen will happen.”- I like this attitude.
anita
July 31, 2017 at 2:44 pm #161406AnonymousInactiveThanks so much Anita! I really appreciate your input. Everything you say makes sense. I do have a tendency to put my happiness in a man’s hands, so I am going to try to work on this. I am still just scared to lose him because of the strong connection I feel with him, and can’t remember ever really feeling like this with anyone else.
Thank you again 🙂
August 1, 2017 at 7:07 am #161534AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
You are welcome. Thing is, with your anxiety, no matter what the guy says and does, following a moment of calm and even euphoria, the anxiety will return: what’s next, what if… it is okay now, but the next moment he may leave… The solution to this anxiety, to this “emotional roller coaster” is to get off the ride, that is, to not be subject to those ups and downs, sharp turns, the experience of a roller coaster.
If you believe that you are okay regardless of what the man says and does, you are off that ride.
anita
August 1, 2017 at 1:13 pm #161607AnonymousInactiveWhat you say makes complete sense. I am realizing no matter what happens, this anxiety will take a hold of me unless I deal with it.
A friend of mine has told me to talk to him to clarify what we are and what’s going to happen and not let him dictate that or let him walk all over me.
Now I have anxiety over that. Do I need to ask him to decide? Give him space? I don’t want him to take advantage of me either, but at the same time I care about him and trust that he just needs time to deal with whatever he’s dealing with.
I’m just feeling really torn and how I should feel.
August 2, 2017 at 7:13 am #161698AmberParticipantHeartbrokengurl:
I know the feeling all too well! I did the exact same thing as you! When I was dating a few people before I met my boyfriend I had anxiety if they didn’t text right back or if they didn’t call me when they got off work or if they didn’t make plans with me for the weekend, etc. It took a lot of self coaching and I had to constantly tell myself that if they for some reason didn’t text me back or call me, I was going to be okay and everything happens for a reason whether bad or good. I also did the same thing with my boyfriend. It lasted for a good 6 months or more but the more you become familiar with that person, their routine, texting habits, etc it becomes easier. My boyfriend and I are at the point where if either one of us doesn’t text we know it’s because we’re busy and can’t reply but we always do. We have built that trust with each other but it did take some time. I honestly kept all my fears inside and never really spoke to him about them. If something bothered me, I told him. Like a few times I’d ask him what his plans were for the weekend and he’d say “Don’t know yet or I’ll let you know” and the anxiety struck me. I’d relax and just have faith that we’ll make plans for each other and he always would pull through. I know exactly what you are going through and it does get better! Just takes time and trust and you’ll build that solid foundation.
August 2, 2017 at 7:18 am #161702AmberParticipantHeartbrokengurl:
Sorry I replied to your initial post about the anxiety part: I just read the update on the situation. I would give him space. I did this a few times with my boyfriend because I was unsure of the situation but mine was because of my son. I was afraid to continue the relationship and us break up and for my son to end up hurt because he really loves my boyfriend.
I needed just space and time to think and I eventually texted him because I realized I really did love him and I Want him in my life. My suggestion to you is to continue living YOUR life and give him space for him to figure out what he is truly wanting. I think he’ll come around but it all depends on where he’s at in his life and whether or not he can have a fulfilling relationship with you. You also may end up realizing your not the type to wait around and might decide you also want to end things. PLEASE keep us updated!
August 2, 2017 at 8:06 am #161710AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
I don’t agree with your friend’s advice because
1) it should not be up “to him to clarify what we are”- it should be up to him and you to clarify what you, as a couple, are or may become.
2) I read no evidence in your sharing that he has the inclination to “dictate… or … walk all over (you)”-
It is you who has placed yourself in submission to him/ other men in the past. It is you who look up to them as gods who will decide or dictate your future well-being or lack of. It is not he who is subduing you and dictating for you.
I think that your well-being is about you taking charge of your life, you not feeling so dependent on another, being an equal part of a team, or a potential team… a team in progress.
anita
August 2, 2017 at 1:11 pm #161780AnonymousInactiveThank you both!! Such great advice.
Ive decided to give him the space to work on whatever he needs to deal with. I might check in with him every few days just so he knows I’m thinking of him. But if I do anything other than give him time and space it’ll push him away.
Im still a bit worried he won’t come back, but thing not to think of that. I miss him terribly already but just trying to keep busy and gain some confidence.
I will keep you updated 🙂
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