I don’t have contact with my family because, from childhood, I have had the role of scapegoat. My family has been known to conspire (yes, conspire) to do horrible things to me and my daughters because I’m a) the scapegoat and b) had 15 years of therapy to get over it and thereby have tried to shed the role of scapegoat and they simply don’t like that idea.

However, my twin sister was diagnosed in November with stage 4 cancer of unknown origin which has spred to the liver. Now, my 22 year old daughter warned me of having anything to do with them, but since my sister is pretty well terminal (a 5% chance of survival in the next 5 years) I jumped on it to go meet her for lunch yesterday. It was sad and tragic how she’s given up. Apparently she had a large lump removed from her ovary but the doctors never biopsied it which is, to me, malpractice but to her another excuse to blame others. So, of course, I tried my damndest to help her so I wouldn’t get blamed again. I sent her a flurry of helpful links once I got home from our lunch that was cut short because my other sister who I don’t talk to was picking her up 3 hours early. Of course she hasn’t answered the emails, meanwhile my daughter is angry I went to see my sister and she is afraid my parents will do something to us. For example, my sister let us live at her condo (because she had three other homes)  but on my youngest daughter’s 5th birthday she kicked us out without warning with the police. Then, when we went back the next day to get out things, lo and behold who should be there but my mother! She asked why we didn’t invite her to my daughter’s birthday party. I said there was no party since she and my sister rendered us homeless! She said ‘Well give me a hug’.

Anyway, what I’m really on here for is to get back on track from that relapse of yesterday. My daughter said she doesn’t want any more to do with my sister and that, although my sister is dying, it’s dangerous for our well being. My daughter told me she mourned losing her aunt when her aunt kicked us out on the street. My daughter gave me crap this morning for even meeting with my sister yesterday. And for good reason because now I feel afraid that my family will somehow do something to us since my mother and father have a bad habit of getting on the horn to cause trouble with us even if we hadn’t spoken to them in years. And even more so when I talk to my siblings because they need to split us up to divide and conquer. I guess so we don’t go to the police with the stories of their drug abuse, neglect and abuse.

I feel like a fool with my daughter. I feel really weak and stupid after meeting with my abusive sister – kind of like an abused woman who goes back to her abusive husband. But I feel sad for my sister that she probably won’t live long. How can I mourn my sister without betraying my daughter? All I’ve said to my daughter is I don’t want to talk about my sister anymore either and changed the subject. Then I looked online for how to deal with all this and found this forum. Although I’ve read articles from here before, I had no idea there was a forum.

So, if anyone has any similar experiences of having the pressure of dealing with an abusive dying relative vs a living normal one, then please share. I want to invest in the relationship with my daughter but don’t want to seem callous about my sister’s probable death.

Any suggestions or advice?