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Dealing with jealousy in a relationship

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #308069

    midnightsun
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I work in the same restaurant together and recently another girl has started working with us. I haven’t really clicked with her but my boyfriend was immediately drawn to her. I feel like they flirt with each other and he is always going out of his way to be nice to her, giving her rides into town, helping her with camping trips, etc. She has also invited him to come over and smoke weed after work, I was not included in the invite. It’s only borderline flirting, and could easily be dismissed as “just being friendly”, and I doubt that anything really serious would come of it, but it all still makes me uncomfortable. However in the past when other men are as friendly to me as my boyfriend is to this other woman he has definitely perceived it as flirtatious advances.

     

    He has always been somewhat flirty, and while it doesn’t do much for my self confidence, I’ve always felt that it wouldn’t be healthy for our relationship to have strict rules or ultimatums (ie don’t talk to other women or we’re over), so I’ve gone through the mental gymnastics of letting go and letting things be. This time around it’s not working, and I’ve found myself resenting this other woman. I try not to openly be rude to her, because realistically she has not wronged me. I’m new to meditating so I’ve tried some loving kindness meditations, directed and myself, my boyfriend, and her and while I’m meditating I am able to overcome negative and toxic emotions, but in the moment I can’t help but be overcome with anger and hate.

     

    Is it wrong to feel like my boyfriend is treating me poorly? How best should I handle these jealous emotions? I don’t want to hate this woman and feel anger towardsy boyfriend.

    #308091

    anita
    Participant

    Dear midnightsun:

    What is not wrong in this situation are all the feelings involved, you “resenting this other woman”, feeling like your boyfriend is treating you poorly, having “these jealous emotions” and him liking this other girl, feeling attracted to her, feeling good around her, maybe a bit in love and whatnot.

    What is wrong in this situation is if he indeed takes her offer to go to her place, be alone with her in her home (or his) and on top of it, to smoke weed. When drugs are brought in to alone time between a man and a woman, sexual activities are much more likely to happen.

    If you and your boyfriend’s relationship continues for years and even decades, at different times you will notice that he perks up in the company of another woman, and it will happen to you too, someday you will feel those butterflies around a man who is not your boyfriend.

    We can’t help what we feel. But if the relationship is to be a loving, monogamous relationship, the two individuals need not act on those crushes or infatuations. So let’s say your boyfriend is infatuated with this girl and he works with her. He can’t help but smile at her because it just comes about. But he can help himself and not drive to her place and spend time there, with her.

    What do you think about my input so far?

    anita

    #308103

    Mark
    Participant

    midnightsun

    It does not sound like your boyfriend is your boyfriend anymore. If he doesn’t have the guts to break up with you then you should. You’re dealing with someone who’s left the relationship already. There is no need for you should stay together.

    Mark

    #308157

    midnightsun
    Participant

    What you say makes sense, I know it’s unrealistic to believe that no other woman will ever peak his interest not another man mine. I guess my real dillema is not knowing how to respond.

     

    You say his feelings are not wrong but he could potentially act wrongly on them. Likewise my feelings are equally valid, but is it wrong of me to act upset? I feel like it is in my nature to be passive and let things slide but I think I owe it to myself to stand up for myself, I just don’t know how.

    #308161

    Mark
    Participant

    midnightsun,

    Your feelings are based on unmet needs.  Your need is for integrity, honesty and consideration and you are not getting that from your boyfriend.

    You do not know how to stand up to someone who is disrespecting you so blatantly and openly?  Respect yourself.

    Mark

    #308219

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Midnightsun,

    You say that your boyfriend has always flirted in your company around other women which chips away at your self confidence.  He is now flirting in your place of work with another woman making you feel uncomfortable and arousing feelings of anger and hatred which you are working to overcome through meditation.  The boundaries between working and personal life will be crossed if your boyfriend takes this person up on her offer and socializes with her.

    Being passive in this situation is a choice that you are making.  I think you need to discuss this with your boyfriend in a calm way by making “I” statements.  For instance, “I feel uncomfortable when you flirt with other women in my company” or “I feel disrespected when ….. ” or “I feel angry/hurt/upset when………..”

    I think you will know by his reaction whether or not he cares that you are upset.  If he doesn’t give you some kind of assurance that he will modify his behavior,  then take that as a sign to move on.

    Peggy

    #308233

    anita
    Participant

    Dear midnightsun:

    “my feelings are equally valid, but is it wrong of me to act upset?”- no it isn’t, as long as you act upset responsibly, meaning you adequately express to him that you are upset, but you don’t go on and on about it, and you contain the expression of your upset feelings- crying, if that happens, but at one point, stop crying, take a walk outside if that is what it takes. Also, don’t call him names, put him down and so forth. In other words, do express your feelings authentically and responsibly.

    “I feel like it is in my nature to be passive and let things slide but I think I owe it to myself to stand up for myself. I just don’t know how”- yes, you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself.

    Before it became your nature to be passive, your nature was to be assertive: young children are naturally assertive before they somehow get punished for it.

    Once you do know how to be assertive, it will still be scary to be assertive. The difficulty is way more in the fear than in the how.

    Regarding the how: he gives her rides into town, say: I don’t want you to give her rides. He helps her with camping trips, tell him: I don’t want you to help her this way and that way (be specific). These are examples of statements you can make in a calm but strong voice. Ask him what he thinks about your statements if he doesn’t respond to your assertions.

    She invited him to her place to smoke weed- here, ask him: did you take her on the invitation, did you spend time with her alone in her place, smoking weed? Listen to his answer. If you don’t know how to process his answer, don’t respond to him, change the subject and post his response here.

    Depending on his answer the above italicized question, my suggestion about the statements you can make may be a mute point, irrelevant.

    If you already asked him this question, or if you will ask him, please let me know his answer and we’ll take it from there.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  anita.
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