I am gay and have never been in a relationship. It is not that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I really want to have a boyfriend and foster a good relationship (This is one of my aspirations in life – getting married to the man I love) – friends and family always say to me; you will find someone. But, for some reason, my mind wanders – what if I am the forgotten one? What if there’s no one for me? All my siblings are attached and I am the only one still single. The voices in my head say: What qualities is it that they have that I don’t? Am I not good enough? Many of my friends are also in relationships/married – some are pregnant and others already have children. I fear growing old alone without a companion and it is haunting.

Over the last decade whilst living in various parts of the world, I have had many casual encounters and have dated guys but nothing blossomed. I am not sure why… I always to quizzed myself afterwards: am I too ugly? am I not enough for a relationship? How can I improve? Why is it so easy for some to end one relationship and find someone quickly whereas, for me, it is hard to form even one stable relationship?

Whilst I do want to be in a relationship sincerely – not having relationship experience also makes me anxious – my mind wanders: What if we fight all the time? What if we fall out of love? What if I don’t get the freedom to do what I want in life? What if my parents don’t like my husband? What if we have to live apart due to work? – it goes on and on.

After working for a few years, I moved to a new country to pursue further studies in the field that I am truly passionate in. In my class, I connected really well with two guys. With both of them – but not at the same time, we have gone out to shows, grocery shopping, parties and I walk him home, talk on Facebook messenger pretty much everyday. However, both of them have girlfriends. I enjoy their company and it feels nice and I go with flow. One of them also touches me on the shoulder, my back and on my side. He also smiles across the lecture hall when our eyes lock. All is fine but it makes me feel uncomfortable when every now and then, when they utter the word – girlfriend. My mind wanders: what am I doing? Why am I hanging out with unavailable guys? How do I knock out of it?

For a very long time – I have this inner desire for a guy to hold me in his arms and love me for who I am and of course – I him. Whilst I am satisfied with my male parts, inside me – I feel and think like a woman at times. For example, yesterday night as I walking my new guy friend home after watching a live theatre show. We passed-by a couple on the street – the guy was holding the girl and kissing her. I wished that girl was me. A few days ago, I was having my lunch at a park and there was a couple cuddling a few yards away on a picnic mat, and I wished that I was the girl – who the guy was holding in a loving embrace. It feels like I am deprived of it and at times, that is why I resort to casual encounters, as means to get some relieve – even if its for an hour.

I seek your advice to shed some insights on what is going on here with me. Namaste!

p.s. I have made the most of being single and I guess, for me personally – the hardest part of being single – is the loneliness that creeps up every now and then.