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  • #63368
    Sassypants
    Participant

    I often wonder if I’m capable of a long lasting love.

    I recently just got out of a one year relationship that was healthy and great, I just thought the guy was more invested than me and he deserved that back so I ended it. Since then, I started talking to an ex of a 7 year toxic relationship. After spending the summer alone, trying to work on myself, I saw him on numerous occasions. It was great to see him, the sex was mind blowing, but deep down I felt like I was doing something wrong. I can’t describe it.

    After a week of seeing him, I told him today that I didn’t think we should see each other anymore, which he was hurt and saddened by. He felt like I didn’t give it a chance, which I really didn’t. I’m in my 30′s and I just don’t want to waste time, his or mine. I feel sad and just wish I could understand why I’m making this decision. I had the option to be with ex #1 or ex #2 and I feel like I don’t want either, that there’s the perfect man for me, maybe a combination of the two positives from the exes. I just question myself as to if I’m too judge-mental or non excepting of another to be with him long term? My ex told me I need a simple robotic man that I can control, that has no voice. That hurt. I just feel so closed off to the idea of love. I have zero drive for it…. 🙁 SAD…. advice?

    #63375
    Matt
    Participant

    Sassy,

    Its normal to feel aimless when we go through a breakup. Consider leaving the big “who am I, what am I doing” stuff for later, after the sorrow of the breakup isn’t quite as fresh. Meaning, self care and self tenderness are needed now more than ever, and being harsh with yourself, chiding yourself for not being loving enough, or whatever new excuse your mind comes up with :), is unneeded, adds more to your already heavy heart. Give yourself some tender care, and the heart reopens on its own, remembers.

    Also, consider that just because you didn’t feel a lot of love for him or him or whatnot, doesn’t mean that your heart is broken. That’s the codependency talking. As though just because a relationship didn’t work out, that it must be Sassy or her heart that is broken. Not so, not so. I’m guessing, but you probably stepped away from your good self care habits? Eating right, sleeping right, taking time everyday to simply relax and let go, unwind, following your dreams that don’t include a partner, etc? Once you stop forgetting that, sacrificing in that way for others, perhaps the coldness inside will stop coming back. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63392
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Matt, are you saying I need to focus on myself and my dreams, not just the dream of finding my husband? I feel like I’m accomplished in my career and that the last piece to the puzzle is the man I spend the rest of my life with?

    #63401
    Matt
    Participant

    Sassy,

    Focusing on ourselves isn’t about a career, its about the feeling of buoyancy we have just being ourselves, with ourselves. Not that we don’t want a partner, that’s normal, fine, usual to want to share our life with a partner. But when we don’t need a partner to feel stable, content, we don’t try to sacrifice our happiness to keep the relationship together.

    Said differently, one ex wants this, one ex wants that, roommates want this, but what does Sassy want? When we take the time to self nurture, care for ourselves, find our happy place, etc, we don’t get sucked into what everyone else wants, and can more easily navigate our own path. We don’t get as wrapped up into what others think, don’t feel like we have to hide, and so forth. Instead, we become happy, strong, able to create boundaries and enforce them. Someone says you should do this or that? “Thanks for the info” and choose whatever feels right. Someone thinks you’re this or that? Their issue, not yours. Etc. 🙂

    Also, though, if you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend, figuring out what to do next will perhaps be a bit muddled. Consider, perhaps more hugs, less cartography. More patience, less “what the heck!?!”. 🙂 It helps a lot when we give ourselves time to catch our breath, find our center again, cry out the old, and so on. Consider catching up on some hobbies, bathtub time, or going places and doing things that are all Sassy.

    There’s a lot more to Sassy than career and husband. Ya know?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63420
    Mermaid
    Participant

    Matt you always seem to hit the nail on the head in a lovely eloquent way!

    #63486
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Thanks Matt for being straight with me.

    #63491
    Matt
    Participant

    Sassy,

    You’re welcome, sister. Care Bear Stare! You too, Mermaid. Namaste. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63492
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,

    Matt and Mermaid said it well. You were on a good path of personal development before being distracted. Keep focusing on yourself. You’ll attract a good guy and you can decide what to do then from a position of balance and happiness. Enjoy every moment; there will be no wasted time.

    Big blue

    🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.
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