July 24, 2013 at 2:31 am #39114
I am new to Tiny Buddha, and am so glad I found it !
I have been grappling with a situation for a long time now, and it has finally come to a head.
I am in a relationship with a man, whom I love – he is a chef. His career is somewhat like a vocation, and he absolutely loves it. He is caring and kind most of the time, but sometimes he is distant, busy, and often in his own world after a day at work, as he does very long shifts (14 hours etc ) We spend lots of time together when he is off, but it is often so hard feeling lonely, waiting to see him. Even if I am busy, I still miss him, and I know I will not see him for a long number of hours. He likes to switch off by smoking some weed in the evenings (1 / 2 joints ) and he sees this as his way of relaxing, and i’m guessing’ turning down the volume’ after the hectic days. I am a primary teacher, and I feel drugs are just morally wrong, – so we differ on this in a big way.
This has caused many arguments between us, and I try to change him – which I know we cannot do – but I constantly find myself checking on him, and kind of monitoring him, which I know is wrong. I also find it very difficult to let go and to trust, as I had a very bad experience in the past where my trust was not respected at all, and I got hurt, and had to end an engagement. Due to the arguing, we got to a place of anger, bitterness, and resentment on both sides. He feels hurt that I cannot trust fully, and I feel hurt that he can’t see that I try – that I am trying to build up new habits, but that sometimes I slip back to questioning him, for reassurance. The questioning etc, makes him feel trapped, and that I am trying to control him.
I sometimes also find myself wondering if we are meant to be, as we come from quite different backgrounds, and have different opinions on things – but I know myself love should be stronger than that. However, I go to a place of doubt, and again worrying and wondering.
Due to the fact that I dont see him for long days, until the evening, I often find myself wondering about his loyalty / faithfulness, due to my own insecurities and self esteem issues. I imagine him with staff members, and I torment myself with all sorts of stories and ”what if’s”. My mind can spiral very quickly, down the road of suspicion and questioning etc. It is so painful, as it drags me into a lonely pit of despair, where i wonder if anyone can be trusted (he occasionally tells a white lie – for example he will say he didnt see my calls until he finishes his shift, and I know he has etc) I make the deduction , that if somebody tells white lies, could they betray me with infidelities, and again, I spiral down the horrible path of ”what if’s”. This all makes me anxious and scared, and in my own head is where I spend a lot of my time, worrying and analyzing things..
We tried a few seissions in councelling, and the issues highlighted were my trust issues and my questioning, alongside his career and smoking. She said that we do not have huge problems, but that we argue a lot, and are quick to temper. We tried to work on the arguments, but it got to the point that we felt it is best to spend time apart to see whats going on, as we were going around in circles, and repeating the same patterns of arguing etc.
Now we have decided to take a break, to figure out where we are, what we want, and if we can walk the path together. He is moving out tomorrow, an I know I will feel totally lost. I will remember all the nice things we did together, and all the time we spent (3 years together ) The house will seem so strange and empty without him, despite his long hours, as I of course really look forward to seeing him every night, and we are friends as well as lovers and partners.
The thing is, I love him. But there are the incompatiblilties, and on my side the trust issues, which stand in our way of a harmonious relationship.
I just dont know what to do. Maybe I should step back and let the universe do its work, and see if we are meant to be, by taking the break. The way people say – if you love someone set them free…..Thank God I have recently found mindfulness and meditation, which is helping me at the moment.
Any objective advice ?
B.July 24, 2013 at 7:35 am #39127
I’m sorry for the painful moments you’ve been having, I know how icky it feels to get pulled into distrustful thoughts and actions. Also, to sit next to someone you love and feel like you don’t know who they are or what is going on in their mind, on their side. I will do my best to give an objective view, as a few things came to heart as I read your words.
When we see someone being themselves, we sometimes judge them from our morality. As a school teacher, this seems like a natural thing to do! When kids break rules, it is helpful and kind to offer them a helping hand by pointing out what they did wrong so they can improve. Sometimes, however, we hold onto the rules more than the children, and we turn from a loving guide into a judge and jury. This is the problem with morality, the shoulds and shouldn’ts can choke our love, our energy.
What we can replace that morality with is awareness. If we drop our expectations of how someone “should” act, the energy of the mind can look deeply at what is there. There isn’t “should”, rather there are causes and effects.
For instance, with children it is easier to see that their home life produces behaviors that have a negative effect in the classroom. With awareness, we are soft, fluidly minded enough to reach out to them in a skillful way and inspire their growth in a better direction… a direction with more favorable effects from their actions. If we slip into morality, we think “you shouldn’t do that, go to the office”. If you think about it, though, how could they act any different than they act? Why does “should” even come up?
If you stop the morality judgement toward marijuana, for example, you have more space to ask “what is weed doing for him?” There is only cause and effect… so what causes are there, what effects are there? You collapse it into “checking out” but that is not nearly the space it needs to lead you into a loving view. From your description, his job seems full of stress, and smoking a joint alleviates that stress. Perhaps it could be seen as a less pure form of meditation, or a tool for relaxation. He’s not posting on tinybuddha, so its hard to say… but to free your mind, it is important to look deeply into the things that you judge, so the energy of mindfulness can become free again. Said differently, it is OK to put children into time outs, but it is not appropriate to give adults time outs (even in our head). Its not just that we “shouldn’t” try to change people, its that we grow from a connection to our inner voice, which is difficult to attune to when others attempt to subjugate our will.
The same is with the white lies. Perhaps he feels you think he should respond right away, which conflicts with the moment to moment needs of his work. If you argue with him and judge him, its no wonder why he doesn’t feel like adding to his stress by calling you back. The white lie is perhaps just his way of acknowledging your importance to him, but without telling you he didn’t feel like calling you back for whatever reason. A simple solution would be to go to him and say “if you don’t feel like calling me back until the end of your shift, that’s fine. You don’t have to defend yourself with a lie, if you see the call and didn’t feel like calling, just say that instead. I won’t take it personally, I know work can be hectic etc”.
All that being said, my teacher told me that the key to a lasting intimacy is that the people need to share a similar view. When two people look out at the world, are they seeing similar things? Are the differences in what they see complimentary or not? Do the differences provide nourishment or poison to the intimacy?
It seems to me like his actions and view are a great teacher to you. They’re giving you the opportunity to turn inward and dismantle the morality that chokes away your energy, your love, your happiness. Things are not black and white, we all have a unique path with different causes and conditions… so keeping our mind open is critical to our own peace. Otherwise our energy becomes compromised every time we see someone act in a way that we deem foolish.
MattJuly 24, 2013 at 12:29 pm #39132SaraParticipant
Oh boy do I feel your pain. I, just three months ago, asked my fiancé to move out and I ended our relationship. I feel compelled to write to you, because while each person/relationship/situation is different, I can identify with many similar thoughts and feelings that you have. It sounds like you may spend a lot of time inside your head, as I do too.
The message I want to send to you is this: I had to hit my rock bottom emotionally with my ex-fiancé before I finally started to see the light, or the darkness (as it was many nights). One night it just came to me: I am picking men to have relationships with that are not all that right for me. I am picking men who are sometimes great, but have some marked differences than I do in many realms, (ie: drugs, politics, lifestyles, belief systems) and I have ALWAYS told myself to overlook those “small” things because I see potential in these men to be exactly what I want them to be in other areas. In my epiphany that night, I realized what a disservice I was doing to myself for not honoring my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. I realized that I can no longer choose my relationships based on the potential of someone. Either exactly who they are has to make me blissful, or I have to set them free. When John left a few months ago, I was a broken pile of mush on the floor for awhile. But I started to really do some thinking about where I was responsible for the fights, discord, and ultimately the ending of the relationship. I must share B, that I stalked his internet usage, phone calls, and email the majority of our relationship which was a constant source of disharmony. I had no trust to offer him. My responsibility in this situation was my lack of trust, my insecurities, and my low self-esteem. At the root of these elements, was the fact that my intuition was nagging at me that something wasn’t right. In my case, I found exactly what I had been concerned about and unfortunately found that my ex is a sex addict. But back to my responsibility in this situation, I had finally become heart broken enough, devastated enough, compulsive enough, before: Enough was Enough. I realized I had to work on myself before I will be of any good to another person. And I have also decided I will never even have a second date with a person who does not appear at face value as my equal in the areas that I consider “non-negotiable”. No more relying on potential. And loving someone is no longer a valid enough reason to stay in relationship.
I also want to share with you a resource. I would encourage you to get online, when you are ready, and find a CODA meeting in your area. This stands for Co-Dependents Anonyomous and is like that of an AA meeting. But this meeting is focused on building self-esteem and self-honor in order for us to make better and healthier choices in who we have relationships with. Even if you are not comfortable attending a meeting, start by picking up “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie, just to see if you identify at all with what we Codependents struggle with. I have started my journey toward recovery and it has changed my life to know that I am not alone in my struggle.
-Something for you to think about regarding taking a break: Considering the current trust concerns, might a break create room for trust to completely disintegrate?
I urge you, woman to woman, to try as hard as you can to focus on yourself and your needs at this time. What is going to make B. a happier, healthier woman? What hobbies does B. like to do? The more we develop our sense of self in or out of relationships, the better equipped we are. If you can find something you like to do in your free time, then the time he spends at work or away from you can be filled with hobbies that make you happy and keep your soul nurtured. You got this B., I completely believe in you. In the meantime, cry cry cry. Sit with the sadness and the emptiness because it is not your enemy, it is your guide if you let it be. Take small, manageable steps toward finding you, and let the universe do the rest. And remember my favorite quote by Einstein: “The problem can never be solved by the same level of awareness that created it.”
I’ll be thinking about you and sending good thoughts and energies your way. Hang in there.July 24, 2013 at 1:44 pm #39134
Wow – I really am so glad to get your amazing and insightful responses, Matt and Sara, and Im kind of speechless here !!
Matt, that is so true – the part about me being quite teacher like in my responses : trying to contol and to guide another person. And it is very true, that he indeed teaches me lessons, many of which are sometimes hard for me to make sense of at the time, but that is so true.
My Mother was very domineering, controling and very argumentative in the home, and as a child I felt helpless against her constant arguments, and her need to be right. Later in therapy I found out I had attatchment issues, and that we never really bonded, as she was emotionally unavailable to me as a child, and it really has remained that way. She argued with the television, and wanted to bring everyone who disagreed around to her way of thinking. It was as if she was threatened by others opinions, as they made her feel unstable, on shaky ground so to speak. She is a strong feminist (nothing wrong with that) but her views are very rigid and often she is frightening in an argument. She often stopped me getting close to my Father, as this also felt like a threat to her. This was a horrible tyrrany in our home, and yet I hear my own voice at times bearing twinges of the same need for control and ultimately reassurance. My Father was passive, soft, a caring and gentle man, yet he had and has firm Catholic morals (not the extreme type, more that we were told right from wrong, and there were no grey areas)
I developed anorexia, or very close (never hospitalised etc) during college. I think as a way of controling the only thing I felt I could, as I had felt so alone for so long. I had anxiety attacks and spouts of depression, but went on to do my degree, and my post grad. I went for a wrong guy in college and spent my time with him instead of enjoying myself, and instead of mixing. He was emotionally abusive. Looking back I dont know how I managed, how I had the energy, through the fog of it all, for those years.
Sara – I am so shocked at our similarities, as my last partner and fiancee (in my previous relationship before this one) turned out to be a sex addict. We were engaged to be Married, and I gradually I found he was having online sex, alongside copious amounts of very extreme porn, etc, but like you I just had a disgusting feeling in my gut that he was not safe, and I knew he was capable of betraying me if the opportunity arose, as I found out more about his lack of a moral compass. I nearly had a breakdown, as I just couldnt believe somebody would do so many unfaithful things to a person, and say they love me all the while – it makes no sense to me, and I hated him for so long, until I finally accepted what had happened. He left a real scar in my trust, because I couldnt understand how he could throw me away for the sake of his thrills, and my jealousy and disgust ate me up for so long, and my self esteem was in tatters. Gradually though I felt happy again – I bought my little house, had that detatchment from my family, and yet had a comfortable relationship with my mother (as comfortable as I can), I started yoga, I felt independent and great ! And then I met the Chef.
So to my current relationship Sara, in many ways, like you, I kind of allowed myslef to fall for someone who is different to me, and has elements of them that I see as possible deal breakers. He is from a different background (economically so to speak ) – yet in many ways we share the same background of family discord – he is adopted, and his adopted father mistreated his mother, and then just left them – so, as he pointed out recently, we have a kind of understanding of hardshops and struggles. He helped his mother, who he really admires, to feel strong again when he was only a young teenager, and went out and worked from a young age (also started experimenting with drugs at a young age too as this was the norm in his area, and this kind of lingered on into his 20’s, and is still slightly present, as I said)
But he taught me to trust again in the beginning – I had to discuss my issues around trust with him, and he was compassionate, and understanding around the issues I had gone through in my previous relationship. He assured me that he respects my boundaries around the internet etc, and he said none of that kind of stuff is important to him. He hates the lack of trust I have for him now though, which crept in over time, and Im hoping its based on my past experience, and not my gut !! (you see – I cant even tell if I can trust that its just my past experience – and I worry about getting duped again – and I second guess everything) The trust part is the hardest for me – how would I know if he is cheating etc – that other person in my life hid it well for so long. That is what scares me – to trust again and to have a web of lies drawn over my face – I dont think I could bear it again. He feels undervalued, and often says that I should know who he is and what he is capable of. The need I feel to question him is horrible, and can be overwhelming. I feel like I need to check in with him evert so often to check that he still respects my boundaries, just in case !!! And I have a near phobia of phones, laptops, anything internet related. I dont check his phone or anything, but I worry.
In life I have a good job, good friends, etc, but the one thing that eludes me is mastery in the area of relationship. I am trying to learn and grow, and I hope it will all unfold the way it is supposed to. My therapist thinks a break would do us both good to reassess what is going on, and for me to get more independent, self sufficient etc. Yes I will be wondering who, where, what, when, in terms of what he is doing when we are not together during the break – but maybe that is what I need, and to see if we both feel we have what it takes to go the distance.
I would be interested to hear what you think about a break Matt, if you have any insights on that 🙂
Barbara.July 24, 2013 at 3:26 pm #39137
Wow, I am really impressed and happy how quickly you turned away from his patterns and into your own…. and that’s where all the magic is! Sometimes we get confused about how to find love in the world, thinking that it is our partner that gives it to us, just because it seems to well up inside us when we are around our partner.
That’s just left over baggage from when we were kids and we didn’t have the ability to self-nurture… so we relied on mom and dad to give us comfort. When that doesn’t go smoothly (such as an angry mom), it might slip our notice how much our heart aches. So, we get busy trying to make others fill our hearts, to give us that sense of peace we need. Unfortunately for us, most people are too busy or self involved to be able to do that for us. For instance, needing your partner to settle your insecurity in his connection to the outside world. You might think you’re protecting your relationship, but perhaps really you’re protecting your comfort giver.
To break away from this, we have to look at the past (which you did beautifully!) and see and accept what happened as bittersweet. Some beauty and some pain. As we see it, and accept that we were influenced by this (think heart in a box), we can throw our hands up, say enough, and try something different. In this case, that “something different” seems to be self-nurturing. You have to learn how to work with your crazy brain, how to settle your chaotic emotions. 🙂 Then you’ll be free!
Its not a quick fix, but reliable. Something that makes it easier is when we can realize we don’t often see our partners. We have illusions of who they are… made from the inner yearning, our needs, hopes, fears… and those are like glasses with smudges, obscuring their beauty from us. To solve this, we take off the glasses and look deeply.
This is where self nurturing comes into the picture. When we take time to settle ourselves, the pressure that distorts our partners lessens. One of the most potent nurturing exercises I know of is telling your different body parts that they are loved and you wish them happy. “Hello left foot, thank you for bearing my weight. Sorry for the heels I wore last night. I love you, and wish you happiness.” Feet, arms, eyes, hands, ears, breasts, elbows… take your time and gently hold them like you would one of your crying students, thank them and offer your love. It might feel silly at first, but if you stick with it even once per day for a week, perhaps something magical will happen to the Barbara in the mirror.
Another practice that can help the mental cycling slow or stop is meditation. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great method on YouTube called “counting breaths” that you can lookup if you’re interested.
As to the break, it seems like it is something important for you to decide what you think and feel. Sometimes it is important for the hermit to go into the cave so she can figure out what echoes are present in her mind. Sometimes it is difficult to overcome our issues with intimacy when we are outside of a relationship. What do you want to do? What do you think and feel? Dig deep, its in there. 🙂
MattJuly 25, 2013 at 1:47 pm #39203
Well, everything in your response really clicked with me Matt, certainly. Thank you for such a considered and wise outlook on it !
The part about what lenses we look through, (my lenses are mostly blurred with fear ), and the baggage that we carry from our past, and most of all about me seeing my partner as my ”comfort giver”,
That I see him as a ”comfort giver” is quite true, any yet ironic, as I sometimes find myself feeling as if I have to mother him – a role I put myself in! And yet I do see him as the source of my comfort, and perhaps as a result I look to him too much for this reassurance that everything is ok ! As you point out – self comforting is important, and I must do more of this instead of looking to him.
We had decided that today or tomorrow was his deadline for moving out – but we are getting on really well, perhaps because we know we have decided to live apart, and parting is sweet sorrow etc . (our agreement was to live apart for a while, while actively working on the relationship – just not being on top of eachother ) But Im afraid if we live apart, that our magic will dissapear, and that we will fall apart, and that we will never come back to living together again. What if living apart for a while would be a huge mistake ? (my therapist and the councellor we went to as a couple, think living seperately is an ”opportunity” to discover more about what we want)
Thank you and warm wishesJuly 26, 2013 at 6:57 am #39232
If living together is the foundation of your relationship, and without it the connection fades, then perhaps it wasn’t a good fit. Love pushes us toward closeness, not the other way around. Namaste!
MattJuly 27, 2013 at 8:17 am #39279
Yes Matt, thats what my feelings are too. We will see how it unfolds in the next while !
B.August 8, 2013 at 9:37 am #39968
Well now that we are taking the time out, the time has come for me to be alone with myself, and to discover if the relationship is good for us, and for me.
My partner has been in touch – says his still loves me, and is still fighting for us, in that he is still here rather than walking away. He is trying to do whats best to give eachother time to think, and to see if our lives and hearts are compatible, and if we can make it work.
We both have very different careers – he is a chef, I am a teacher, so the hours and the metaphorical distance (as in, he gets in late, and I get up early, so sometimes we are like ships passing – his days off are when I work, etc ) can get between us. When he comes in he is tired etc etc.
Now that I am on my own in the house – it feels strange, all the familliar things are here, yet he is not, yet I kind of do have a sense of peace right now, that we are doing the right thing. I will probably feel very lonely in the night time, and miss him beside me, but I have to try and remember – we are doing this for the right reasons.
One thing that I know will be a challenge for me is Trust – I have a very hard time trusting, as I was badly burned. One of my main areas of lets say ”challenges” is porn, as I had to let an ex fiancee go as a result of his severe porn habit. That ex partner never wanted to discuss it, he shut me out, and told me it had nothing to do with me – that was so rejecting, and I just felt so helpless and unwanted. My current partner, who I am trying to work things through with, has felt the pain of this too, as I often question him, and ”check in” with him to amke sure he is not using porn.
When we started living together, three years ago, I discovered a porn site on our lap top and I was so dissapointed, but he told me his friend had told him to look at something ”funny” there, while he was on the phone to him, and that even when he was single he was never bothered with it much. I believe him, as the particular friend would certainly find such things amusing. At the time he said I was over reacting, as I was very annoyed, but a couple of days later he came back to the issue, and spoke to me again about it. He said he understood fully that I was hurt, and my hurt etc is valid, and that it is degrading, and he promised me he would not be watching it, even though he never saw it as a big deal (he was 27 at the time, so still young I guess ) as he could see how hurt I had been from my previous relationship. He siad he respects my stance on it and respects that…….However I always had a hard time trusting him, and i would ask again every so often – which would hurt him, as he felt questioned and not trusted.
The problem is now that we are taking time out my head spins a bit – what if he is diong this or that behind my back, now that I am not there !! It scares me, and I end up spinning, and worrying, and it hurts.
I would love your advice Matt, or anyone else on how to trust around these issues, as when I get dragged into the” what if’s” I visualise it happening, and really it is me obsessing I guess, but it all scares me,
Barbs.August 8, 2013 at 6:06 pm #40009
I’m glad to hear that you’re moving on down the path and exploring! I’m sorry its kind of lonely… it seems normal to me to be a little uprooted from our comfort zone. When my wife has gone away for a few days, the house feels different even though its the same. Almost like her spirit is absent! Those are echoes, and they fade with time as the places move back from “ours” to “mine”.
As far as the other, with him doing things while you’re not there… it sounds codependent. I know it can be difficult, but the need to control his actions is unhelpful for both of you. If he watches some porn and masturbates, why is that about you? Consider that looking at your insecurities directly is far better than trying to prevent the painful conditions from coming up.
For instance, when you found porn on the laptop, perhaps you made your feelings of “not good enough to satisfy him” and “fear of him becoming a porn addict” turn into an attempt to control his behavior. “I want to be special and sexy in your eyes” became “you hurt me with your porn”. All that really does is create conflict inside him, as whatever his urges are drive him to dishonor the promise. Said differently, if you had said “you don’t have to bother with porn, I want you like crazy” you could have promoted a healthy outlet for his sexual energy rather than making him keep it secret or suppress them to please you.
Perhaps the obsession that arises now is because you spent so much energy making sure he acted in a pleasing way for you, that now you are insecure what “porn” really means to him from his side. He might not like it much, might dislike it, or might have only stopped to try to please you. If we don’t give our partners the space to be who they really are, we don’t get to know them very much, leaving us feeling insecure as to how they act when we’re not there to see. Said differently, when we force others to act in a pleasing way for us, we’re never sure if we’re seeing the person or the “pleaser role”.
As hard as it might be, we have to let others be. Just stop. If he wants to watch porn, let him. If he wants to chew gum, let him. We can say that gum chewing and porn scare us, but to say “don’t” is terribly dishonoring to free will.
To step away from the obsessive thoughts, we can smile at them. “Yep, barbs’ thinkin about porn again.” “Yep, there I go spinning around his actions again. Haha.” If you’ve been meditating, you can just take some mindful breaths and do some counting or metta practice. It does get better, you just have to let go. People either fit or don’t, and if we try to make them fit (as opposed to growing together) relationships don’t work… there’s not enough space for both people to find their path to joy!
MattAugust 9, 2013 at 4:40 am #40034
Thanks so very much for your response Matt, and yes, it is very co-dependent to want to control the actions of another, I know that, and yet I struggle with it. But you are so right, that we dont see the authentic person if we corral them into doing things we want them to do.They are not being themselves. That is so true.
And to be honest, one of the main elements of it all was the fact that my previous partner had kept it all secret from me, although I could sense there was something wrong, and that is what I dreaded happening again, so I tried to be in contol of the situation in this next relationship. So that nobody would keep that kid of stuff from me agian, as I had felt so hurt.
But now, as you said, perhaps the element of the ”pleaser role” came into play, as I wanted to avoid that pain at all costs, and to me, the only way to do that was to almost forbid something. But then I put myself into an akward position, as I then wondered if he was keeping it secret like the previous person.
We would occasionally discuss it and he said he would’nt bother with porn anyway, as we had a very healthy sex life, and I have a high sex drive too, and I really do find him so attractive etc. He said he loves that side of our relationship, and was contented in that aspect. So he would occasionally reassure me that he would tell me if he ever did watch it , but that he just wouldnt, as he dosent have the need for it.
Now I dont know whether to believe that. Thats the thing that I keep analysing it. Was he telling me the truth all along ???!!! Even when I meditate, and try to direct the obsessive thoughts away, I still feel like knowing the truth – was he honest with me about it ?
BarbsAugust 9, 2013 at 5:56 am #40035
Namaste! Instead of leaning all that thought into him, you can hold it on your side. For instance “This is just doubt, a byproduct of my attempts at control… empty of a need to answer, just a craving, part of the karmic cycle. Release, release.”
MattAugust 10, 2013 at 6:25 am #40127
Thank you Matt. Yes, that incessant need to know, and need to be reassured is really strong, so I have to try to let it go, and release it.
Im finding it very hard the last few days, as the physical separation (even though he says we are not over, and that he is still fighting for us etc ) is very hard. I miss him here in the evenings, his smile, his presence. Its hard not to be able to talk to him as regularly as we always did. I feel that disconnect, as we are not physically together like we were. With his long hours I cant just pick up the phone, and as we are trying to take some space I cant do that anyway, as Im trying to respect the process.
I still wonder, with living apart, if we will survive the physical distance. There is love there on both sides, and I guess I have to have faith that if we are meant to come back together as life partners, that we will grow form this transition, and that maybe it will make us realise that we are willing to meet in the middle, with more understanding, and more compassion and love – that is what I hope, because right now the fear of loosing him in the meantime, is making my stomach heave, and I find myself driving the car and bawling crying all of a sudden ! Everything seems to ressonate of him, everywhere.
Im really trying to be strong, but I feel so lonely. Even though he is there in the background I feel he is gone from me. And that fear that I might loose him is making me anxious and unsteady. I want to run to him but I cant.
I have to try to be strong, and to allow things to unfold, but its so hard, as Im afraid it will slip from my fingers.
Barbs.August 10, 2013 at 7:01 am #40129
It makes sense to me that you would miss him. Perhaps you can just let the old pattern die. Stop clinging to it and let it go, grieve if you must, but it was also quite painful for you!
Consider looking at it a little different. Now there are no expectations, no promises of a future together, no way of knowing who he is anymore. As you self nurture and heal the inner cravings for control, what do you miss? What did you get so wrapped up in? I mean, for instance… was the porn you found such a big deal? In that moment, you could have been laughing and holding hands, but instead it was all drama and discomfort on both sides. In this moment, it could have been kissing and going on a date, but now it is a feeling of forced apart.
So, if you miss him, fight for him! Steadfastly self-nurture and turn away from controlling patterns which moved you to waste so many moments of potential love and joy. Do a metta practice with him as the target, wishing him to find every nook and cranny in this world that brings him happiness, even if its porn or pot or sleeping in. Go out and find your song, that inner goddess who plays and flirts, giggles and is as comfortable being dorky as she is professing timeless wisdom. You’re not a victim here, you’re behind the wheel. You’re smart and dedicated, so don’t be afraid… you’ll find your love. Then with him or without him, your light will be fun and beautiful and nourishing for all who are touched by it, including Barbs. 🙂
MattAugust 10, 2013 at 1:19 pm #40140
Thanks so much Matt. Yes It’s letting go of the old, and finding a new way of thinking and just letting things and people be !
Instead of clinging like a limpet to a rock !!
I will really try hard to practice all your suggestions. Thank you for your wisdom !