Well all my best intentions of trying so hard didnt go so well this evening.

My ”loved one” and I met , as a close relation of mine died over the past few days, and my partner wanted to be there for me at this time, and it seemed we were both glad at the prospect of meeting up.

So we met, in local a pub – and I was looking at him with compassion, and thinking to myself that I love this man so much, afresh, in a new light. So the conversation eventually got around to ourselves, after chat about family, and he said basically said that the didnt want to discuss our situation much, but that he loves me and always will, and that we just need to see how things pan out.

Then the conversation about us went on a bit – he discussed a guy in work, a close colleague, and how this guy is very ‘black and white’, in that he has a very simple and easy relationship with his wife – they are very close, argue very little, and they are very kind and good to eachother. They also joke with eachother, and mess around – if they see a good looking person in the street, the wife may say -” look at her she is nice”. And she jokes ”oh when we are 60 ill find someone for you and we will have a threesome” etc. After a bit , I said to my partner – Yes, I know I have made you feel in the past that to look at another woman is kind of bad – and I am sorry, as that may have made you feel that you had to hide that natural impulse from me – at which point he exploded – he said ” there you are again trying to say that I was in fact looking at women when I wasnt, I always told you the truth ” He said ”I was always honest with you, as I am not afraid of you ” He immediately felt it as an accusation – whereas I genuinely meant it as exactly what I had been thinking to myself – that I had been controlling, monitoring, and I meant it as an example of where I myself had gone wrong – not him.

But for him this was a major affront – he said – ” im sorry I came to meet you, I shouldnt have come, and I wont meet you for a long time”….Anyway, suffice to say it was so awful, as i really feel like he totally took me up so wrong, and I tried to explain myself. I told him that i love him as he is, that I know I should never have tried to be so controlling etc.

But I know he still went off pissed off and annoyed, and most certainly thinking, Im not sure she is the one for me….

Now I feel : how can this repair itself – the wounds of the relationship look too deep , and maybe the wounds in us, for it to heal – Im not sure if he will ever trust me (and remember ironically it is me with trust issues, yet i feel he cant trust me) enough to ever truly let me in.

Living apart with all this – I just dont know if he will see the good in waiting for me – he will be mingling with like minded people in his industry, free and easy, loving life on his own without an asshole like me weighing him down.

Maybe I should move on and realise that it can never work?

Broken hearted
Barbs.

Thanks, much appreciated Matt and Dee,

Yes, Matt what you say really fits so well, into what is going on with us right now. And you are right in that when I said ”I know I made you feel ” – – It made him feel that I am again telling him how he feels, from my opinion, or my version of events. In effect, negating his own experience as a person I guess. He has his own feelings, his own inner dialogue, seperate and independent from me. How can I possibly mind read

And yes, I was prying, almost as an impulse – it was there, I asked, and then the usual torment in my mind begins, almost like an addiction ! It is almost so automatic to me now, and instead of using the self discipline, and dedication I have in other areas (eg : the gym , yoga, healthy diet etc…) I seem to lack the self control button in this area, big time. My own Mother is exactly like this – and I know how much it annoys me in her when I see it (I am practicing acceptance of her too ! ) – her judgements, her inability to forgive, which are unhelpfull to her and those around her. So I really need to continue to work on this new manner of interacting with another person, and really concentrate on that openness and compassion. In fact I have to put up a stop sigh and just not go there. You are so right – and look where the prying gets me – into a place of questioning, wondering, what if’s, and analyising his responses like a watch dog.

Openness and acceptance are what I have to practice, and practice until it becomes the way I operate, rather than the alternative, which is a tyrrany, and it imprisons us both.

Hopefully I will find the right path, and I guess I’m on it now, trying, as you say Matt.

Thank you dearly !
Warm wishes,
Barbs.

Thats great Matt, thanks a million ! 🙂

Really putting all the new ideas into practice today and it feels good ! 🙂

Namaste
Barbs 🙂

Well suffice to say – it turned out that I was totally wrong in my assumptions, and the phone call being hung up, was actually a child – and he spoke to me candidly, and said, lets look back at the messages – ”look , here you told me to text you ” and showed me where the wires were crossed on both sides. He also said that this is yet another example where my anger and mistrust are a worry to him, as he feels afraid to get back into a situation where this is my mode of operating – jumping to conclusions, and running away with mistrust. Where I jumped to anger, rage, and a feeling of being duped, is what I really realise – my journal was very angry after that particular incident ! Which i guess is my issues, my things I have to work on.

He said he wants to move back in, and that he will – but that he has a lot of fears – as we had said we would follow the path of living seperately, but that he can see that im trying hard to work on myself – but what he dosent want is the suspicions, the worries, and all of that again. That he wants to see that I will not do that anymore.

I spoke to my ”therapist” / councellor – who said that every time my mind goes to suspicion, that it is ME that is the problem, that my happiness is not hinged on somebody else (much what you said Matt about staying on my own side, and confusing sides ) that it is my thoughts that make me miserable – not the other person. She said I have to watch my thoughts, and not follow them down the tunnel of giving them all this validity.

She thinks that if we move in too soon that it will go back to the same patterns – that for it to work there has to be acceptance of eachother fully on both sides, commitment for the future, and that you both have eachothers backs, no matter what, that you are siticking together, come hell or high water !! So she thinks we should hold off, and not rush into it.

The problem is, is that we have agreed to it now, and now to go back on it and tell him ”well actually, I think we should give it more time” – it really might send us backwards. She said if we do move in again – that I would have to have a very clear plan – practicing my mindfullness, not looking to him for validation of the suspicion thoughts, and it would have to be totally different.

So I wonder what my next move should be – I guess we need to sit down and talk it through fully and properly.

Namaste 🙂

Yes Matt – that makes sense – the splinter indeed !

I have to let go of the suspicion, that is for sure

.We spoke today – and he said he needs to see evidence, that I can stop the anxiety, and the questions, and the suspicions – reitterating that these are aspects that are kind of deal breakers for him. I said I am doing my best, to work on that, and doing my part to make myself stronger in that area. Whenever I ask for understanding about that – he almost recoils, as his is just sick of that aspect of it, and has said time and time again that that is a side to me that he really dislikes. I suggested that when I feel anxious, I could get a hug rather than ask questions – to which he replied that he would try that for a few weeks and see if I could be happy with just a hug ( ie, he is sceptical about it working ) He also said he has doubts and fears about moving back, and that he is largely doing it because I want it – which isnt exactly going into something with an open heart – its like he will go in with barriers up !! So now im doubting whether I should move back in with him, when he has all these doubts (which I guess I have too to an extent – the life of a chef’s partner has major sacrifices involved in it – , and it is not just easy for me either : the lonliness can be hard – being with someone, yet passing like ships in the night most of the time )

One thing also, that I dont understand, is why people lie, and why they dont just tell the truth all the time. At the moment he is staying with his Mum, and he siad to me that he told her on Monday that he will be moving out . On Monday evening he said ”yes I told my Mum ” When speaking to his Mum today, she said he told her last night. Why lie about that ? I just dont at all understand why he would say that he told her on monday !!! (he does not know she rang me ) Its just useless lies – unless its a case of crossed wires again as his mum said, ”he may have mentioned it on Monday, I cant remember, as I was so busy ” …….Is this me spinning again, latching onto suspicion – yet again. In any case, im aware that its mother – son stuff – and their conversations are between them – but I dont understand why say he said it when he didnt. Also makes me think he was just waiting a few extra days to think more – all the while telling me that he had it arranged. Oh do you see where my mind goes, and how it works – one question leads to the next, and by the time im done I’m fit for a gallon of prozack ! I work myself into a complete lather – and into a spin, yet again, over and over. I sometimes wonder if I should be in serious medication for this, as it is like a brain disorder.

(oh i think the therapist in inverted commas, was just because its a bit embarrasing ! And I kind of feel stupid that I cant be ok with life, and sort things out myself. But hey, all I can do is try. )

I know we love eachother – but its complicated, and sometimes I wonder if its not meant to be – so many obstacles, differences, and yet we have similarities and common ground too. Oh if I could wave a magic wand I would…..:) And plus im 35 – and the biological reality is that I have to hurry up, in a way – and sometimes I think it will always be complicated. I want to have children with someone who wants me, who wants to say – I stand by you no matter what – but thats maybe a fairy tale.

Warm wishes,
Blessings,
Barbs.