Deep compassion towards others but lacking self-compassion

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    Hello all,

    I am not sure where to begin but, in sum, I struggle to be as compassionate, loving and understanding towards myself as I am with others. I’m sure that I am not alone here.

    I was recently asked to recognize what “stories” I was telling myself and how my childhood may have shaped this feeling.

    In this useful exercise, I realized that while I am very inclusive, loving and value openness from others, I am uncomfortable being open and loving towards myself.

    Growing up years ago, my father was emotionally abusive and cocky. When I was four he hit me for crying and that kind of behavior continued. I learned that I never wanted to make anyone feel the way he made me feel — but I never learned how to speak to myself the way I speak to others.

    I feel so much compassion and empathy for others, but I suppose that I do not feel my own worth, at my core.

    The issue is that I know, rationally, that being more confident in my self-worth will help others around me. But I tend to feel cocky when I address these sentiments inward..

    Does anyone have any tips, readings or quotes to suggest for me to meditate on?

    Much love,




    Dear Sarah:

    The answer to how to be as compassionate toward yourself as you are to others may be in exploring your anger.

    You didn’t mention anger. I am. When your father hit you for crying, when he mistreated you… and maybe still in one way or another, did you feel angry with him. If you did, where is that anger now?




    I can relate to this issue. I have always thrown myself into work or activities that are about giving to other people (first political activism and then teaching) and I think that I have never really given enough time to just be myself and understand myself.

    I also had a very critical father and I guess I have carried that voice around in my head my whole life, but even today I still cannot truly recognise it. I have been told by others that I am too self-critical, but I just feel that that is the truth and that there is no reason not to be truthful to myself. So maybe what I am saying is that I have mistaken the self critical voice to be myself and I have never been able to recognise that that voice has actually drowned out my true inner self and voice. Maybe that is why I have never been able to resist it because I have just assumed that the voice I have heard my whole life is actually my real voice. Now I feel like the most important job in my life is to find that real voice and make it stronger. Because I don’t believe that my true self could be so mean hearted and critical.

    Does any of that make sense or is helpful?

    Jennifer Ann

    Sarah I love your self-awareness you are alllowing yourself to have. This is allways the first step and often the most overlooked. So be glad you gave yourself this first step.

    I can relate to internalizing what other’s externaly have done to us. I could give you a list of about a dozen things I have relaeased from controlling ego. Yes ego. I’ll explain in a sec :).

    We each have an ego and a soul. Our ego uses our current safety zone, regardless if it’s a healthy one or not, as a safety set point. I’ve learned through L.O.V.E. Journaling to get these none serving ego belifes out of my subconscious so it can no longer use them against me.

    In your case your ego has taken on the “cocky” tone your dad used and you have the inner war showing it self to you because you ready to release it.

    I love your other deeper awarness that you know it’s about your worth/value of yourself and loving yourself.

    Your other factor here I see is your loss of personal power from these child wounds and it’s common. You are not alone in this. 🙂

    I love helping women to get to their #SoulTruths and ditch those none serving (wounded) ego beliefs so you #RockYourIndependence emotionally, spiritually and financail. I don’t want to overwhelm you with more if this is not recognating for you. If it, please ask more questions and I’ll be glad to keep on going. It’s my jam so I could talk about this endlessly.

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