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I just want someone out there to hear my story and shine a little light on my situation.
I am 18 years old. Throughout my life, I was always unwelcome in my family’s home. My mother has severe depression that she refuses to get treatment for. It was like walking on eggshells around her. If I was in the living room and I crinkled a bag of chips, I would get screamed at. I was her punching bag; she would tell me that I dressed like a whore, how stupid I was, how I was selfish, almost on a weekly basis. I clearly remember her kicking me off of the couch in the living room time and time again because my sister wanted to sit on the couch. She treated me as her therapist at the same time, because she had, for as long as I can remember, marriage problems with my father. When I was 5, she told me, in detail, on how my father cheated on her. When I was 8 years old, she told me how badly she wanted a divorce but couldn’t leave my father because she had never held a job on her own and felt she was incapable of supporting herself. When I was a little older, I became her confidant. I heard things about my father that I wish I hadn’t heard. I didn’t ever stand up to her for fear that I wouldn’t be able to see my friends or go to track practice, my only escapes from my home. My father never wanted to get to know me or develop a relationship with me. He provided for me financially to an extent, but he would make fun of my art that I loved so much and he would refuse to give me rides. My first job I had to walk to and from work every day, because he didn’t feel like giving me a ride, even though it was a 5 minute drive to the place. I had to walk, sometimes even if it was dark out.
My senior year of high school was rough. I had to quit cross country team and get a job because I had to.. I learned how to pay for my own food and pay my own way. I saved up to pay for driver’s ed on my own, and bought my first car on my own. However, a week later I got hit by a car in the city and my car was totaled. My father said he would scrap it for me and then give me the money, but he kept it for himself. I finally was able to make him give me the scrap money, $200, threatening I would get the police involved if he didn’t give it to me. I used the money to pay for glasses, something my health insurance didn’t cover. My mother tried to force me to “take a side” between her and my father, and shunned me when I refused to give her my father’s tax forms. I felt it wasn’t right for me to give someone else’s property to another person, so I was grounded and forced to stay home for weeks. As an additional punishment, they refused to bring me to the doctor for my yearly physical. Because I couldn’t get my physical complete, I was unable to run on the track team for my last year of high school. My father also refused to bring me to the gynocologist to put me on birth control because to him, I shouldn’t be having sex..
The day I turned 18, I was forced to move out because my mom decided to take my sister and move to a town about 2 hours away.My father moved his girlfriend in (they had been dating for quite a while, I learned) and threw out nearly every one of my belongings that I treasured: paintings I made, my easel, every one of my sister’s drawings from when she was little. I moved in with my boyfriend for the summer. I worked 3 jobs to try and make enough money for everything i needed; I worked as a photographer in the mornings, worked at a pharmacy in the afternoons, and I was a janitor for medical hospitals at night. My days often went from 6 am to 1 am. But it was worth it to me, because I thought things were looking up. I had applied for multiple scholarships for my first choice college, University of Rhode Island. I was accepted into my first choice major there, and reduced the $40,000 for the year to $9,000 using my own money and scholarships. All I needed was a private loan to be able to pay for URI, and Discover granted me one, but because I had no credit, I needed a cosigner for my loan. My entire family refused to cosign the loan. My dad’s side and my mother’s side alike. I was told it was my own responsibility to pay for my education; I was told that this was a ridiculous thing to ask of someone. I was told how selfish I was to ask for this. I couldn’t afford URI, so I was forced to drop out. I started attending a community college in the next town over. I felt beaten down and I felt as though my dreams were…crushed.
My boyfriend ended up kicking me out of the house when we got into too many fights…we were both stressed. I had to move in with my friend, who doesn[t have a car, so she used me to drive her to her drug dealer’s house and pick her up from random guys’ houses in the sketchy part of town. I felt uncomfortable about lying to her parents about her whereabouts so I told her I was done covering for her. She was upset with me…weed has replaced me as her closest friend and we aren’t friends really anymore. Feeling unwelcome and unwanted, I would drive the streets all night, just trying to end up someplace that didn’t remind me of my family or past relatonships or friendships. I once slept in my car in my college’s parking lot.. This is where I am now. I am confused, lost, I feel horrible. I feel like I have nobody who cares or wants me. I want to die, but I want to find a way that’s foolproof and I would have to drive out somewhere far away so that no one will find me.
Now I feel like I have depression…I hit my head against a wall so many times today just to shut my mind up. Just to stop thinking about everything that I’ve done wrong. I feel as though I’m at fault for all that’s happened. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, so I’m looking for help. But it isn’t for another week or so, and I feel like giving up…I feel like i’m worth nothing. I just need some support…I need to feel like I have a reason to keep going. Thank you guys for reading and listening.
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