Dear Tessa,

I read your story. Thank you for sharing it! I have struggled much with depression in my life; I too come from a struggling family.

I send you love and warm hugs from the Netherlands. We will both keep going on, one day at a time.

Some days will be better, other will be worse. That is ok. Life is long and at her own good time she will be beautiful again.

Love, A Dutchie

Dear Tessa:

October 14 of last year you wrote: “my mother is a narcissist”- that was previous to your evaluation that she is psychotic. The reasons you thought of her then as a narcissist can explain why your siblings (as well as you, currently) became as troubled as you all are.

You repeatedly wrote in that thread that you had a perfect childhood: “for the most part we (siblings and you) all agree that we had a perfect childhood”- couldn’t be the truth, not possible.

You wrote on that thread: “I’m afraid… I’m going to be the only one who has a shred of genetic normalcy to keep this family afloat”- if the mental health troubles in your family was genetic, then you wouldn’t have that “genetic normalcy”- but your mother being narcissistic, by your own evaluation, leads me to think the mental health troubles were borne out of poor parenting, a far less-than-perfect childhood.

You wrote: “I am SO blessed and grateful to turn out the way that I have. I am so lucky to not be plagued with severe mental illness”- do you still feel that way?

You wrote: “I can’t in right consciousness just completely distance myself from my family, but I also… find myself getting wrapped up into the narrative of all the insanity.”

I suggest gaining more insight into your childhood, and perhaps, save yourself from further deterioration by doing farther distancing from your family, because, as you feared, you are “getting wrapped up into the narrative of all the insanity.”

anita

Hi Tessa,

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.  I understand your response to Anita’s suggestion to distance yourself from your family, but I would have to agree with her idea that it’s what would be best for you.  Don’t be discouraged by this idea though, hear me out…  As the seemingly only stable individual in your family you have been saddled with a huge amount of responsibility!  You may feel honor bound to such a burden, which is very admirable, but it’s very destructive to you.

I myself suffer from codependency.  This has lead me to suffer in many of my own relationships where I have taken on the role of caregiver hoping that if I can just make everything perfect and other people happy, then maybe I will deserve to be happy myself.  This enabling behavior has allowed others to take advantage of me.  They get what they want or need ( I was married to a narcissist who abused her power over me ) and my wants or needs are never met.  It’s a vicious circle that just continues to spiral downward until a person is consumed with sadness and self doubt, doomed to never find happiness.

Do you notice a sort of parallel in your behavior and my own?  You are setting aside your own wants and needs that are vital to your own happiness.  You shouldn’t have to be a martyr for your family in order to deserve their love or anyone else’s love.

I teach Basic Life Support and Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation.  One of the things we teach people is to make sure that the scene is safe and you aren’t putting yourself at risk when trying to rescue someone.  I can’t save someone else if I get get myself hurt first.  Same thing applies here.  You are suffering and need to get yourself safe, happy and healthy first if you hope to help anyone else.

Sadly, the people in your family have some major issues, but in the end they are all adults who are responsible for their own lives.  Yes, it’s okay to need and ask for help, but in this case they are draining you of your very existence.  It may be difficult to stand by and watch as they struggle, but it’s also good for them to realize the boundaries and limitations of a healthy relationship.

I hope this puts things into a better perspective for you.  I would love to hear your thoughts…

wishing you health and happiness,

Ramone

Hi Tessa,

I’m glad that I could help you see things from a different perspective.  If you feel like you have a healthy relationship with your father, then by all means continue to pursue it.  I think it’s a very good idea to set limitations and boundaries with him also though.  Even healthy relationships should have mutual understanding of what’s okay and what isn’t.  Another concern I would have is for your father himself.  If your mom is truly a narcissist, then it will not have left your father without some damage.  Is he perhaps also codependent?  Does he have enabling behaviors towards the rest of the family?  At the very least I can assume by your description that he’s an empath…  He may benefit from some distance himself and maybe some help from outside for both of you.

When thinking about your break up I’m going to give you a huge piece of advice that I’m just now slowly realizing for myself.  LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!  I’m sure you’ve heard this from a dozen different people and it sounds very confusing and you’re wonder where to even start?  I was there a few months ago…  I’m still working on this but I’m making progress every day.  I think that the codependency in us gives us this horrible feeling that we’re incomplete without being in a relationship.  The truth is that you’re going to have to break away from that addiction to need to make someone else happy and learn to be your own person.  I’d be happy to talk to you about my experiences, just be aware it’s very hard and you are going to still have a lot of shitty days while you heal and begin to take control of your life and happiness.

Your weight gain is the result of your coping mechanism.  We often choose something unhealthy to drown ourselves in to numb the emotions to a tolerable level.  Unfortunately the only way through is to actually experience the pain and hell we’re hiding from.  It may take some time before you find the full strength to address the feelings that have pushed you into an addictive behavior.  My own problem was with alcohol.  I was drinking almost daily to obliterate my emotions.  It’s a hard fight, but at some point you will want to change and at the pivot point you’ll begin to make progress.  Rule number one be critical of yourself as motivation, but do not hate yourself if you slip!  Brush yourself off and give it another go.

Important things I’ve learned:

Don’t focus on the past too much.  You can’t time travel to fix it, so there’s no sense in constantly wondering about the ifs ands or buts…  learn from it and move on.

Don’t get tied up too far in the future.  Constantly worrying about where you’re going to be and what’s going to happen will make you absolutely crazy and frightened to do anything for fear of messing up.

Live in the present.  Take each day in little pieces.  Get organized and plan your days deliberately.  This proves to yourself that you are in charge of your own life and happiness.  Try to set small goals and celebrate yourself when you make it!!!  you will begin to make tiny little changes to your life, but they eventually all add up into positive triumphs and beautiful feelings of love for yourself.

Believe that  as you become more and more positive you will get stronger and healthier and it will show.  You will attract more positivity, good things, and even that person to love…

Hang in there!

wishing you health and happiness,

Ramone

Dear Tessa,

You are (perhaps instinctively) trying to hold your whole family together. What I would do is piecemeal. I would make it your mission to help your father. If you are to give time, $$$ and resources, help him. He’s the one with a lung issue that won’t get better. My FIL had emphysema, and you’ll (eventually) need to get a nurse and helper (to clean and run errands) in there (as your mother may not have the capacity).

Yes, I’m also essentially telling you to let your mother and sisters “hang themselves”. Because you can only handle one wounded bird at a time.

Later, when your father passes, THEN perhaps help the sister with the auto-immune disease.

The other sister and your mother? If they are adults they can legally make their own decisions. My mother occasionally checks up on her cousin who has a mental illness but there is nothing she can do. My mom is at peace with that, and follows her intention to help out/check up only occasionally. AND IS AT PEACE WITH THAT. Profound peace perhaps, but there is wisdom in that approach.

Blessings,

Inky

By the way tessa, am sorry for rambling about my own issues. Just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. But you are going through a great deal and I hope I didn’t seem to diminish your plight.  You are strong enough to steer yourself back on track. The fact you have observed all that you have, and attempted to regulate your emotional health all the ways you have done so all tell me clearly you are resilient and strong! You’re not failing. Normal people put on weight when stressed. Normal people go through depressions when faced with bad circumstances. You are healthy and normal. You’re reaching out. You need to shift your way of thinking to prioritise your own mental health and give up your sense of responsibility towards all the other adults in your life. You’re not God. You’re made of flesh and bones, you have a limited time to have a good life on earth. Mentally ill people are not in a position to be a healthy influence and unless you are in peak condition it is dangerous to be actively involved. You do sound codependent, like me, btw. I’m working on that myself