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Depressed due to guilt and fear

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Viewing 15 posts - 181 through 195 (of 440 total)
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  • April 2, 2016 at 6:49 am #100690
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    Well, let me adjust my adjective list preceding your name so to incorporate your short burst of temper:

    Good Saturday to the getting-stronger-by-the-day, sensible, to-be-free and independent, imperfectly improving Ravi.

    anita

    April 2, 2016 at 8:20 am #100699
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Pretty imperfectly. The “inner critic” won’t leave me alone. It’s surprising how despite knowing that this voice is wrong and only causes trouble, I find myself going with its advice in heated moments. It caused me to do all those horrible things and now accuses me for doing all those.

    April 2, 2016 at 8:41 am #100701
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    Working with this inner critic is a very difficult work that requires incredible amounts of patience with yourself, and gentleness. It is a long term type of work, not an easy fix.

    You wrote some time ago how your mother or grandmother won’t let you endure the sensation of hunger and will show up with food wherever you are? Well, the inner critic work is nothing like a hunger quick fix. And you have to endure the distress and discomfort of working to improve yourself with the ongoing critic giving you its unwelcome input.

    This is one very important element in becoming stronger: the growing ability to endure discomfort and persist with the work you set for yourself to do in spite of the discomfort, patiently and gently.

    anita

    April 3, 2016 at 4:37 am #100727
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Very true Anita. It takes a lot of strength and perseverance to go against this voice knowing that it’ll keep torturing you if you don’t go with what it says. But am trying just that from the last few days. Reminding myself of reasons why I know what it says isn’t right, and trying to distract myself with other things when it gets active. Studied until 4:30 AM today without much pause. When I tried to sleep, memories of her came back and after two days, I could not hold back my emotion. It was soon morning and I went out for a test without even feeling sleepy until the noon. I guess my newfound resolution to change myself and try to be positive, is giving me the strength to keep going for now. Dunno how long it’ll last.

    April 3, 2016 at 7:39 am #100733
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    That’s the scary part: not knowing what will happen, what will be. “Dunno how long it’ll (your newfound resolution…strength) last.”

    So there is the fear factor, the most powerful threat to your journey toward a better Ravi and a better life. Not knowing. And this is it… no one knows what will be. Let’s say all the right circumstances happened for you perfectly up to this point, all in perfect place, and still you have no guarantee. And when you feel that fear, it sure feels.. well, it feels scary, sometimes too much to bear.

    You calm yourself best you can, tell yourself that this fear you feel, with no real and imminent danger to attend to at the moment, is Useless Fear. It acts against you, not for you. You learn to be less fearful of the fear itself. You learn it doesn’t kill you, it just feels like it would. You stare the enemy in the face, the fear, and you call its bluff. And you move on. There is no greater strength than doing just that. While so many, many people run to the nearest comfort: drugs, extra foods, releasing aggression (!), or just folding into the fetal position, paralyzed-like, you move on.

    What do you think of my Sunday morning fresh-brain thoughts on strength and fear?

    anita

    April 3, 2016 at 10:57 am #100748
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Agreed Anita. Quoting Dumbledore from Harry Potter… “it’s the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing else.” That uncertainty and doubt certainly inspires fear like nothing else does. Presently there’s only one thing that produces such fear in me. You know what it is. The rest I can manage and at least taking your advice and my own resolution, am doing my best not to let it affect my studies. By trying to be positive, I am managing to control this fear so far. I do run to extra food in these times. Can’t help it. 😛

    As an aside, am also trying to get rid of my lifelong voracious habit of biting nails to stubs. Perhaps gaining a little more confidence that way can help in some manner.

    April 3, 2016 at 11:47 am #100749
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    Having confidence in our ability to control our own behavior is a necessary element in mental health. Thing is when we attempt perfect control than we will fail at having enough control, or good enough, satisfactory control. It is this All-or-Nothing expectation that is our downfall. Thinking we have to be in perfect control in every way and all the time will definitely lead us to failure. No exceptions.

    So it is about progress, not perfection. If you attempt to make progress, you will make progress. If you attempt to make … perfection, you will regress.

    It is a long haul kind of work, so brace yourself and take it as patiently as you can.

    anita

    April 3, 2016 at 9:12 pm #100781
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    That really is very true. Perfect control… is simply impossible. Nobody has perfect control over a situation or someone else. Not even the world’s most powerful men and dictators. Only for so long can they make something happen or someone do what they want, by force or convincing. We cannot make anyone feel within what we hope for them to feel (forgiveness or willingness to talk)… can only do our best with honesty and sincerity. At least that’s what I am hoping to do, for that’s what I have power over. I’m trying my best to turn my love into a strength rather than obsession. Trying to study harder keeping in mind what we had discussed earlier. But the uncertainty and doubt of what will happen in the future, is certainly a strong fear factor hard to overcome.

    April 4, 2016 at 6:17 am #100791
    humour
    Participant

    Dear Ravi,

    I really hope you get through this phase and also wish you the best for your exams! Hats off to Anita for supporting you even if its just by writing to you! Take care

    April 4, 2016 at 7:48 am #100797
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    It is progress not perfection we can realistically accept in controlling our own thinking, feeling and behaving. Putting aside for a moment controlling other people, it is self control that is most difficult to do.

    I like you doing your “best with honesty and sincerity”- I like this very much about you.

    And I like your efforts to turn your “love into a strength rather than obsession.”

    Regarding uncertainty and doubt, yes, these will stay, sometimes feel stronger than other times. At times you will get a break from these, but fear will return. Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear because no one can eliminate it.

    Keep on this way, Ravi. I am … sincerely and honestly (traits I too admire and practice) impressed with you.

    anita

    April 4, 2016 at 8:40 pm #100904
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. Yes, self-control and patience during these times is the hardest to practice. If I had done it long back, I feel much of this situation could’ve been easily avoided. It’s something I truly am determined to develop now, for her. At least I can see some progress, even if its slow. I hope I can keep it up. Good thing is I have an exam on Sunday and as a result of the preparation, I don’t really have time and thought to give to my anger and frustration. Managed to keep that inner voice at bay whenever it tried to rear its green-eyed head again. Bet it’s not happy.

    The only thing I can do about the fear is to sincerely wish from my heart. I can study well, I can do good enough to qualify my exams, I can work hard to overcome my inner demons, I can eliminate my negative qualities and become a better person, I can do my best to repent for my deeds and prove myself worthy of being with her… those are things in my power. But reuniting with my Jerry isn’t. If my love for her is genuine and I have always loved and cared for her from the bottom of my heart, and my present efforts are sincere, then I wish I am reunited with her. I don’t feel I can do anything else.

    April 4, 2016 at 8:47 pm #100910
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    You are on the right path. I am seeing you mature through your writing and it is very exciting for me.

    And I know the love in your heart is strong. I won’t discuss it but you always make a mention of it in your post and I am aware, the love in you is strong.

    Keep going, Ravi… keep at it. I am truly positively impressed.

    Good night (for me) and take good care of yourself!

    anita

    April 4, 2016 at 9:35 pm #100913
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    I hope so. And all credit to your selfless motivation and encouragement, and patiently understanding my situation. Can never be grateful enough. Feels good to see my parents happy with my efforts to co-operate with studies. I just hope I can push back the sadness and fear in my present conquest at least for the time being.

    @humour – Thank you so much for your kind words. Means a lot to me. 🙂

    April 5, 2016 at 8:00 am #100920
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ravi:

    You are welcome and… nothing much that I do is selfless. I am glad I have as much understanding of you and your situation because (I hope) it makes you feel good knowing someone understands and you can keep posting without having to start from the beginning. This way there can be more and deeper understanding as the correspondence continues.

    anita

    April 5, 2016 at 8:54 pm #100983
    ravi_zimmerfan
    Participant

    Yes Anita. Yesterday one of my good friends I hadn’t been in touch with for long contacted me and I superficially explained my situation to her. She too initially said the same thing as everyone else… you must not think of suicide and all because you must live to serve your parents, life does not stop due to just one person, etc. I understand people’s rationale behind all this but I just don’t know how so few understand that I too have my own wishes in my life, that someone can indeed mean more than a person’s life to them. I do agree that it should not become a sick obsession and cause damage. Am doing my best to ensure that, but the pain which returns periodically, hurts a lot.

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