You already have reached out and been one of the few who has truly helped me survive these darkest of times, Anita. Not exaggerating. I can never be grateful enough. Just 10 days left for my exams and I’m just focusing on my studies now, trying to push everything else from my mind. Somehow all this made me realize that I’m nothing but a worthless sack of waste that has no value any longer, and numbed the pain a bit so I can focus on my studies and just pray that my loved one understands my heart someday.

Thanks Anita. She did not wish me today. Not that I was expecting her to, but still… somehow am not feeling anything right now. Left all that to the higher powers. Spent the whole day in the library and traversing the rocky path up ahead.

We got news late yesterday that there have been more changes regarding my exam, and most likely I’ll have to take the new one being held on July 24 now. That one is a whole lot tougher than what I had been preparing for, and will require extra effort in these two months. I’m seriously feeling sick. I had hoped to be done with exams next week and get some time off, but now I have to slog an extra 2 months working even harder, and if I don’t make it then yet another year of strenuous preparation awaits me. I feel so angry, frustrated and ill-tempered knowing that certain family members of mine made me get abysmal home tutoring back when I was still green and enthusiastic and had the full potential to qualify these same exams, just because they didn’t want me to go out of home because nothing is more important than food and sleep, apparently.

All that while the depression returned in full force when I remembered her wishing me and sending gifts so sweetly last year, now she’s acting like I don’t exist. And tomorrow is her brother’s birthday and she must be busy lovingly preparing for it without caring that someone she once loved as much as him, she’s now ditched just because I committed the great sin of loving her more than a sister. Maybe it’s my payback for being “greedy” and wishing more than being just a brother to her. I know I should have valued her far more than I did. But I did my best to apologize and make up to her and I truly am doing my best to change myself just for her, discussing my flaws here and controlling my use of profanity and temper. I didn’t say a word against her sister piling those accusations on me. If there’s any justice at all in the world then I wish I got one more chance and our bond gets repaired… but I am feeling hopeless.

Sorry for venting out but the stress is getting just so much. My depression is killing me already and the continuous pressure of exams and the “Study! Study! Study!” mantra at home is ticking me off so much. I just want to go away somewhere and get a break from all this.

I know, Anita. Though I know running away is of no use. At this point if I don’t qualify these exams, there aren’t even any significantly good career opportunities left. But almost nobody has tried to understand what I’m feeling like and what I’m going through. I’m 27 now, it’s been 10 years since I passed out from school and I’ve done nothing useful or productive since then. My schoolmates all have jobs, many are married with children and I’ve been hiding from them all these years out of shame. I’ve not even talked to any of my teachers from years. If any teachers, parents or even neighbours visit my home, my parents ask me to hide so that I don’t get quizzed about my career. Grandma has told all relatives that I’m in final year at medical school because they had trusted that fraud person… obviously someday that truth will come out and I’ll have to face the consequences.

If that isn’t enough, I’m now being expected to toil endlessly for 2 months and qualify one of the toughest exams in the country with a top rank, while my insides are screaming in pain and misery remembering the only girl I ever loved, whom I wronged and who no longer understands me, considers me a traitor at best and pervert at worst. I just don’t know how much more I’ll be able to take. I downloaded one of my old favourite cartoon shows and am making a gift for one of my rare few friends who genuinely tried to help me. But nothing is helping me gain the sheer tenacity and force to study like I need to.

Anita – thanks a lot for your words. I understand what you’re saying. I myself have tried the method of shrinking back before; something more like going along with the flow like mentioned in Taoism. Bending like grass under the force of the wind with grace. Sadly I could not manage it very well. Not because of want, but due to guilt. Thoughts of what things could have been, memories of what they were and uncertainty of what they will become. Jerry mentioned to me multiple times that she spoke to me nearly the whole day while she sometimes didn’t speak to her cousin for weeks, but my possessiveness had grown to the extent that I could not be satisfied with even that. Maybe if I had not been so isolated over here, I would not have felt so paranoid about her loving someone else and started all those fights. If I had not agreed meekly to go with the home tutoring, I’d not have developed the false impressions that I do not possess the caliber to make a good career for myself without external help. I know it’s of no use crying over spilt milk. But whenever I told myself that I’ll change for good, I failed to do it. That makes me lose a lot of self respect. As for the break… I just want to go away from here to some quiet resort or monastery or something, away from the Internet, phone and everyone.

Humour – Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. They truly mean a lot to me. You’re right that due to being unnaturally isolated and reclusive, this issue has affected me far more than it would affect someone who does have other people to go out and share with. For these three years, she was the only one who was present constantly with me in every phase of life, both happy and sad. At this stage, it’s sort of like I don’t care anymore who is at fault and to what extent. I just wish both sides could understand, accept responsibility on their part and move on putting this behind.

I know. Just need to clarify that by wanting love, I did not mean physical intimacy and all. I never intended or felt such things for her. I do admit that I wished to meet her, hold hands and hug her. Hearing her laugh on the phone made me experience a feeling of love and affection I never felt before, and cannot describe in words. But it’s the sad truth that still continues to face me. Even if I somehow had gotten everything I wanted, I still am stuck here as badly as ever, told to study, study, study endlessly. The few friends I have just lecture me that it’s my duty to do that because I’m my parents’ only child and they’re dependent on me to take care of them later. If I get frustrated with my situation, mom lectures me – “all kids out there are studying, your cousins are studying, its your duty to do the same without argument”. Not one person cares that I too have/had dreams and wishes of my own.

I’ve been reading some anger/emotion management articles here because I’ve realized I’m affected much by her sister calling me a pervert and saying stuff like “the girls you call sisters must be aware as you can change your feelings and lust for them anytime”, “the Internet is a dangerous place due to masked backstabbers like you”. My other friend suggested me to ignore her words because she’s just an immature 15 year old girl. But I don’t know why I’ve taken these words to heart and feel miserable. I’m feeling it stems from my deep insecurities.