That’s what I felt too, indeed. Regarding #1, all the time I used to get feelings like, “You’re no good. He’s her blood brother, he never hurt her unlike you, he always makes her happy in a way you never can. She’ll never love you like she loves him.” My friends used to keep pointing out the absurdity of this kind of thinking. After finding out about my feelings, even she said the same – we’re both good in our own ways and though blood family always gets priority, she loves me almost as much too and doesn’t like comparisons. But I could not get over the inferiority complex no matter how much I tried.

Point #2 is valid as well. It’s also what disturbs me the most. Not wanting someone to love even their own blood brother is one of the most disgusting things I can imagine. I was/am truly shocked to find myself thinking that way because normally my rational side would just say, “Of course she’ll love him and it’s wonderful that they share such a nice bond. She loves you so much too, despite having known you for just 3 years.” It kept screaming that in some corner, but the dragon in my head overpowered it and I kept having useless arguments for nearly the whole of February.

And almost abruptly, once I accepted that I love her as more than a sister, the jealousy crumbled and became easy to control. I don’t understand why. Maybe because the plug was in the wrong socket all along… since I still thought of myself as her brother, my primal brain sensed a “competitor” who could take away from me someone very precious to me? Based on my elementary understanding of evolutionary psychology. But now I am on the verge of losing her due to this same behaviour. 🙁 I nearly have turned my extreme fear of losing her into a self-fulfilling prophecy. After our discussion, I’m wondering if the roots of all this are due to my upbringing. Because of my lack of self-confidence and lack of self respect due to all the fiasco that my temper caused, my inner self feels I’m not good enough for her and might never have my heart’s only true wish come true… that’s why it reacts to all perceived and real threats in this manner?

I messaged her festival greetings and she’s not replied yet. Feeling really depressed.

Yes that’s what. I wish I was different… that I had no anger issues and all. But what’s done is done and now I’m finding it extremely hard to control. Once again the temper is getting the better of me. I had messaged Jerry festival greetings with much hope and spent the whole day looking at my silent new message-less phone with false hopes. I made the mistake of going to our forum and looking at her new posts there… posts we normally used to make together. Heck, even if I find a random 2014 or 2015 date scribbled in my notebook or somewhere, I find myself thinking “that was the time when she was still with me.” Right now again my parents started the “you’re living only for studying like all other students” lecture. I’m going into deeper depression than anyone can imagine and spent the whole day locked in my room alone. My parents were speaking among themselves something like, “See? He’s giving priorities to other things and stopped studying again. He’ll not pass the exams again. All our hard efforts will be wasted.” I’m getting extremely irritated and angry at small things again (like grandma pestering me to have food) and whatever little I had progressed over the last week is crashing down.

My friends tell me “don’t worry about Jerry, one day you will find ‘the one’ meant for you”. Of course people will feel I’m just immature and just infatuated with her… how can anyone understand what she means to me, including her? How can I tell anyone that she is “the one” and I will never love anyone else like I love her? It’s easy enough to say stuff like go out, meet other people, there are so many girls in the world and eventually find the right one, you’re just inexperienced that’s why you’re saying this, first love isn’t always correct, etc etc. Firstly I just was never interested in romance/dating and I had never set out to find “the one”. I may not be a love guru or anything, but I trust my inner message as to what she means to me. I know we did not meet and grow close for no reason. I know I will never love anyone else the way I love her. I know even if faced with temptations to love someone else, I’ll forever follow the right path and not the easy one. She has my loyalty and my love forever. I either want to be with her, or go to the grave with my heart’s desire unfulfilled. No middle path.

Sorry for the outburst, but I’m in terrible depression from yesterday and all the people who had promised to be with me forever, I find them sending just smileys or a “hmmmm” or “I don’t know, you do what you feel right” when I confide my feelings to them. Not flattering Anita but its only you, whom I’ve known for barely a week, who’s been most understanding to me in this darkest phase of my life.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

Thanks for your kind words, Anita. Not even the people I considered most close in my life did that much. Either they send a bunch of ” 🙁 🙁 ” smileys along with “I don’t know what to say”, or just tell me “nothing is as important as your studies, so just study, study, study”. Never mind that they did not listen to anything I had to say for 4 years… or I’d never have to see this phase in my career.

I’m not saying this for attention seeking or sympathy but I have nowhere else to express myself. I’m not even asking Jerry to reciprocate my feelings right now. Can worry about all that later, but why did she have to block me and treat me as though I did something criminal? She did it even before we had that fight. I know she was shocked to discover my feelings but its not like I meant any harm to her ever. I had refrained from telling her just because I didn’t want to hurt her. Every single living moment our happy memories are piercing my heart like fiery knives and I feel like ripping out my heart and throwing it away, death would be far better than a life like this. I just don’t wish to live anymore. I feel like running away from home and drowning myself, or doing whatever possible to ensure I don’t wake up alive and endure this pain more. But I’m a coward… can’t even do that. I have nothing left but lock myself in my room and cry my heart out thinking of my sweetie. I know I deserve this for treating her badly.

I do deserve this pain, Anita. It’s the bitter truth, but truth alright. Whatever may be the faults of my upbringing… it does not change what I did. Even some of the terrorists who cause so many innocent deaths all around the world seem to sympathetic if you examine their background, but the damage they caused cannot be undone. Jerry is one of the sweetest, kindest, most innocent and soft-hearted, genuinely loving, loyal and devoted human beings on this planet. I’m not saying it just because I love her. It’s the truth that I’ve known from a long time, even before I realized I’m in love with her. Despite knowing everything, it was I who caused fights on petty issues (such as what to post on our Facebook page) and kept away my phone in anger knowing well she was sending sorry messages relentlessly, probably crying on her end while I sat like an obstinate creature ignoring everything, replying when I felt like it. Or I sent her some 10-page long, emotionally hurtful message and threatened to never talk to her again, turned off the phone in anger knowing well that by the morning she’ll have sent a million sorry messages even if it wasn’t her fault at all. Such incidents happened not once but literally thousands of times. Is it not emotional abuse, manipulation and mind games of the worst sort? If this is not karma for my vile deeds, I dunno what is. I accept it and I know I only am responsible for this sweet girl to feel so hurt and act towards me this way. Every human being has emotional limits and I crossed hers a million times like a selfish beast and she loved me enough to forgive me silently time and again, though she has emotions too. All these thoughts are killing me and making every second of my existence a living hell.

Yes, she blocked me after she found out from our friend that I had these feelings from her. I do feel it was too much and she could’ve just talked to me…but I cannot blame her for her reaction even if it hurts me. I already hurt her very badly, too much like you can read above. If she felt this was just another attempt of mine to hurt her, she’s well justified to feel that way after my deeds. Moreover, she told me that she does not like talking to boys at all other than her brother, and I’m the only one exception because we developed such a sweet bond over these years. It’s the truth, I myself observed that almost everyone else she ever talked to are girls. She loved me as a brother and it’s natural that she expected me to feel the same way for her. She said to me – “I did not expect this from you. I don’t feel we ever shared anything personal and we always spoke just about our favourite show and actor. I said nothing for you to be justified to feel this way for me.” As you know, the second part is wrong because we did share a lot of personal things, which she now doesn’t wish to admit. But she seems to feel I misinterpreted some of her words as romantic signals and decided to push forward, when in fact it isn’t true and the feelings are mine alone. I knew she’d not accept my feelings, that’s why I didn’t express them to her. I don’t know how to make her understand this, now that she’s not even talking to me.

She’s also very offended by me sharing my feelings to our friends, saying “It’s completely unacceptable to me that you shared our private matters to the whole world. Do you think I should keep quiet when you go around telling people behind my back that you have romantic feelings for me?” In fact I had been careful not to share any “private” things she told me to them. I did not share my feelings to the “whole world”, but just 2 people whom we both consider our sisters. I gave her my reasons for doing it – because I knew she won’t accept my feelings. Am I not a human being? For how long can I bottle up my emotions inside me? Did I not have a right to share it with a selected few people we both consider family? It’s not like I started spreading gossip or rumours about her, for heaven’s sake. I don’t know why she can’t try to understand this. I know it’s all my fault. If I had not hurt her like a monster so many times, maybe she’d have been much softer and more understanding. It’s my karma and nothing else.

Out of my anger, apart from the horrible things I said to her, I also exited our Facebook page and groups, which hurt her too. I made a mess of the most loving and prized relation of my life and I could give my life to just have her back… but I see nothing but darkness ahead. I cannot bear with this cursed life anymore.