Thanks Anita for your wonderful efforts to understand and help… I know I’m repeating myself but it means a lot to me.

At least now, my parents have accepted their fault and agreed to co-operate with me henceforth. The other thing is, which is bothering me most… I cannot get a job so soon. Due to some issues (complicated and not relevant here) I had to leave college and have currently applied for elsewhere, and the crucial exam is in May. Not only is it a deciding factor for my career, but I also have to prove myself worthy of Jerry, to her family. As it is, the situation is dreadful and if I don’t make it now, there is very little hope to achieve my heart’s wish. I already wasted Jan-Feb due to depression and though I’m still disturbed due to our recent fight and her being upset with me, am trying to study thinking I’m doing it for her.

Once I get into college, I’ll be away from my grandma for most of the time and hopefully can get her used to me becoming independent. There remains the issue of Jerry getting married before I can get a job… or refusing to accept my feelings at all, out of fear. That’s clouding my mind and preventing me from studying well. Though my heart says all will be fine if only I do everything honestly and with sincere effort.

I agree Anita that what they did cannot be overlooked. In fact I expressed to them yesterday that whoever has known about my issue, even my teacher, has blamed them for bringing me up in a wrong manner. Thus it may have been my grandma’s wishes but since they passively submitted to the same, they will be criticized by others as much as her. I hope the point was made and they’ll rectify this henceforth.

Enemies is too strong a word, but misguided definitely fits. Way too much misguided, sadly. They are too gullible and people easily make them believe anything by using tempting offers. I can’t say too much in public but regarding the college I had to leave, it was both directly and indirectly my grandma’s and parents’ faults, as well as my own for failing to do my own research and protesting to do things right. Medical entrance exams here are extremely tough, and instead of letting me go to a good coaching institute to prepare for the same, my grandma insisted on home tutoring. My parents submitted to her wishes because (acc. to them) –

1) I don’t have a vehicle of my own, will not be allowed to use public transport and dad can’t take a leave from office all the time to drop and pick me up.

2) Grandma insists that if I am out of home, my parents carry food to me every 30 min or so, wait outside class for me and then escort me home before dinner at any cost (no exaggeration).

The home tutoring was way insufficient and I could not clear the exams. Then they found a person who said I could join this newly opened college which is super awesome etc etc… grandma found the guy’s words very trustworthy and we went ahead. When it turned out to be more or less a scam, I wanted to leave after 1.5 years when it was too much to stand, and my parents forced me to continue by emotionally blackmailing me. When finally things got really bad, even they had to agree with me. And here I am.

I don’t blame just them and I accept that the major fault is mine for not refusing and choosing the right path myself, what any strong willed and sensible person would’ve done. My parents always had my best interests at heart… and they believed that guy’s words which were too good to be true, hoping for the best for me, refusing to listen to me thinking they know what’s best for me. I just know that this thing has went way too far now. I love my family, doesn’t mean I can follow any unreasonable wishes and let my life be ruined. I too have my dreams and heart’s wishes. I love Jerry and I prefer to die than to lose her. I need control over my temper and I need to fix my broken career. For that, I need to be assertive and not accept being subdued like you mentioned.

I’ve started keeping the diary and so far have managed to avoid using swear words and am trying my best to control my temper during little incidents like rash drivers on road and all. I’ll message my greetings to Jerry on the festival.. after that, I dunno whether and when to contact her, and what to say. Am only thinking of the festival greetings for now.

Thanks and I’m sorry that you felt distressed. Am truly grateful for your compassion and sincere help. Please take care too.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by ravi_zimmerfan.

Yes, taking a break is what I had practiced last year and for a good while it did work. I had read this story about a monk who sat with his hands folded with a bottle of alcoholic drink in front of him, and told his disciples – “I cannot control my inner craving for the drink from manifesting in my mind, but as long as my hands are tightly folded, the craving alone can’t make me commit any wrong.” I had tried just that. When I was talking to Jerry and any situation seemed to have taken a dangerous turn, I just left the phone aside and went back after cooling down. On some occasions it worked… and on others, when the thing got too far, the inner voice yelling “coward” forced me to react. And sadly cooling down sometimes takes time for me too. Like after our last argument, it took me 2 days to get off the anger, that too after she sent her soft message.

I don’t consider myself intelligent or anything. 😛 But ya, an emotional fool I surely am. At least I didn’t know what to do when they – someone I love very much – staged a drama, after I had said that doing something else is better than staying in that college, saying – “I hate this wretched life, I hope I (insert horrible fate) so that in my next life I can get a doctor for a son”. And after I broke down, hugged me saying they did the drama just to elicit this response from me, and are sorry as they have my best interests at heart. I really didn’t like it but I did not have the heart to say or do anything except going with the flow. I’m bearing the consequences now… in fact, we all are. I just do not wish to see my career go down the drain and even more not see myself losing Jerry. I will definitely take charge.

I know Anita. The anger is almost chronic. I felt I had controlled it well last year, I even stop visited our TV forum in order to eliminate the root cause of our conflicts. I had honestly felt that we would never have a fight again. But then I realized I had become so possessive of her, and all that I mentioned in my first post happened. Despite my and my friends’ efforts to control it, the worst finally happened.

I am wondering why I felt so insecure seeing her bond with her brother. After all any sensible person (including my own rational side) would’ve said the same, that I should be glad that despite knowing each other for just 3 years on the Internet, she gave me such a special place in her heart and life. But I could not see her loving someone else as brother. It mystified me because most of my other friends I love a lot as sisters also have brothers, and I never felt this way in any other case. Though after I accepted that my feelings for her had changed, the possessiveness became easy enough to control. But I still am wondering if it has its roots in my family upbringing issue you mentioned, and is worth pondering over.

I agree about taking charge and am doing my best to work on it. I just went back on our forum and saw some posts by her… just made me feel extremely depressed remembering all our happy times and what happened recently, realization of the grim present hit me all over again. I’m feeling like crying. I pray everything turns alright, and I prove myself worthy of her, because I truly do not wish to live without her. Our festival is tomorrow and I’m thinking how to wish her appropriately. Hope I do it right.

@I980s – Hope all gets well for you too, and you find this wonderful site helpful. My best wishes. 🙂

Yes Anita. I need to use those tools to the fullest in order to control the rage. At least I’m trying in little ways to make it more effective. Like today while returning home, my dad took a wrong turn at a place that caused us to get stuck in a jam. I got irritated a blurted out a word I had sworn not to use. So decided to punish myself by cutting down snacks tonight. Feels almost childish but I just want to leave no stone unturned. 😛 And am maintaining that diary regularly.

That’s a plausible explanation, though I’m not sure if that’s it. My mom never really disliked me being close to friends and all… but grandma did, though she doesn’t admit it. The last line you wrote – “to love is to possess, to be loved is to be possessed” does ring a bell uncomfortably, though. I vividly remember that “she is MINE, I wish I was her only brother, I wish all that love was MINE only” feeling. What baffles me is, I had never felt this way for anyone else, no matter how much I liked them. Here, however, I could not even stand them having a conversation, no matter how short. If she did not reply me on messenger, I used to automatically feel she’s chatting with him. If she was offline on messenger, I used to feel she’s chatting on Facebook. If offline on both places, I felt she’s admiring his photos on Instagram or talking on phone. I used to keep checking if he’s online, and when he came, kept demanding her what she’s doing, whom she’s talking with. Needless to say, she didn’t like this pathological obsession of mine at all and it only made things worse. And the incident I mentioned in my first post (her Liking his photos) finally broke the dam. I got forcibly angry, saying that this proves she loves him far more than me and never truly considered me a brother… no wonder she was so hurt and upset. I regret all of it so badly.

I just wish I had the courage to accept my true feelings earlier, so that much of this above fiasco could’ve been avoided. I had bee trying to forget all this. But after your suggestion about trying to understand what message my anger/frustration has been giving me, I’m trying to decipher the message in this. Perhaps it may be relevant in helping win over the chronic anger.