Dear norit:

I just read through your posts, from the first on July 31, 2016 to the last, before this thread, May 12, 2019. It was April/May last year when you moved out from your parents’ home to your new home, where you  now live, good to know that you are “enjoying peace and quiet” in your new home!

You were 25 when you posted first, almost 4 years ago, to the day, living with your parents. Here are some of the things you wrote in regard to your mental state of mind at the time: “I’m 25 and suffer from anxiety, depression, and recovering from agoraphobia. I have very little self worth.. I hate myself.. I can’t shake off the feeling that I deserve to be miserable. I feel so ashamed of who I am… Putting myself down constantly comes naturally.. I feel like I’m being selfish if I am nice to myself. Things seem very hopeless in the long run”.

About your life at home, you wrote over the years: “My mum has been drinking.. She used to talk to me about her problems a lot.. but now talks to herself a lot, often near me or following me to a nearby room.. it’s always worse when she’s drunk, and I feel guilty for upsetting her. I wait anxiously whenever she’s  been drinking for my dad to come home, because he will lose his temper with her, usually slamming things, shouting in her face, and recently pushing her too… (I) feel very guilty for  not helping or standing up for her when he acts this way… My mother’s addictions are getting worse I believe, and there are daily arguments between the rest of the family.. I just feel guilty and think mum will get worse if I leave. I don’t want to make things worse… When I was younger I never thought about my own hopes for the future because my plans were suicidal, and I thought I was just existing for my mum’s benefit.”

You shared over the years how lonely you feel, and that you met a man. You wrote: “We make each other so incredibly happy, and I can’t remember the last time I felt so at ease with someone. He has said the same. We’ve had a very open and honest relationship.. we have and are supportive of each other. The problem lies in that I’m already assuming I will ruin things for us. I feel like a horrible person to be around, and abusive. I’ve already ‘broken up’ with him now three times.. because I am afraid I will eventually hurt him”.

Early on you shared that you have been in 3 years of exposure therapy  for your anxiety, that attended other forms of psychotherapy, including group therapy, that you read “lots of self help related things”, that you were “trying to practise mindfulness more”, and, you wrote: “I understand much of the logic behind the way I am, but I don’t think I’ve worked through it emotionally”.

My input today, regarding the logic you mentioned: it’s clear to me (and I am sure I posted to you about it before), that you felt responsible for your mother’s dysfunction, and for not saving her from her dysfunction and from your father’s anger. Because in your own mind, you failed your assumed responsibility, you came to believe that you are a guilty person, a bad person, one who hurts other people. This is why when you had a mutually supportive relationship with a man, for a while, you were so afraid that you will hurt him. Truth is, of course, that you were never responsible for your mother’s dysfunction and mental illness. Nor were you responsible for your father’s behavior. And indeed, I am glad you are not still living in that household.

I am thinking that one of the advantages for you to have your current affair with the married man is that because he told you that he is just using you for sex, and is not otherwise involved with you- you are not afraid of hurting him. Am I correct?

Regarding working emotionally through what you know logically… take it from here, if you want to.

anita

Dear norit:

You are welcome. I feel good having you back here, by the way. Yes, I can follow the logic of you not being afraid to scare him away, or hurt him. I suppose you are getting something out of it: human contact, touch.. and someone valuing you for some purpose. Sort of, better be valued for something than not be valued at all. Do I understand the way it is for you?

I suppose he visits you at your place, stays for an hour or so, and then leaves.. calls you, lets you know when he will visit next time.

anita

Dear norit:

Today July 31 is the four year anniversary of your first post, and the first time we communicated!

From your recent post I understand that he does not visit you in your apartment, so the physical affair takes place in town, when you bump into him (and you go to a hotel, maybe)?

I wish you tell me more about your life: what you do every day, how your time is occupied.

anita

Dear norit:

“I wanted to look into a course to do, as I like to learn”- what kind of course, I wonder: what subject did you want to learn about?

I am also wondering about your mother, if she still gets drunk, if your father gets angry with her, I wonder how is the atmosphere in their house when you visit them once every couple of weeks.

anita

Dear norit:

It’s still bad for you to spend any time with your unpredictable, sickening family dynamics. Every time you visit, you pay the price- maintaining what you refer to as your “own mental illness”.

You wrote that you’ve “always been fascinated by psychology and with my own mental illness”, I don’t remember if you mentioned a diagnosis or diagnoses that you received in the past, diagnoses that constitute your mental illness?

anita

Dear norit:

You wrote regarding visiting your parents: “Being around them does make me very stressed, but I’m also anxious whenever I go out, or socialise. I can be anxious or depressed when I’m home alone”-

– I understand it, true for me too: my anxiety started at home growing up, maintained by my visits later on, and everywhere I went I took that disturbing home with me, in my head. Our childhood home is something we carry with us everywhere we go.

I hope you experience more and more calm and less and less anxiety over time, doing the work that needs to be done.

anita