Menu

Did I confuse a fling with something serious?

HomeForumsRelationshipsDid I confuse a fling with something serious?

New Reply

This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #316603

    Jess
    Participant

     

    I’m kinda disappointed and not really sure if I put myself here.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Im from Mexico and went to Cabo for vacations, met this American guy two days before we both left Cabo. We hang out, and didn’t have anything sexual on the first night. The next day he invited me and my friend over to his hotel pool. We went there and he confessed me how nervous he was to come talk to me the first night, and about being nervous before I arrived to his pool that day. Everything went very well, we got in the ocean, pool, had some beers and then went to dinner to end up finally in his room. Excellent sexual chemistry. The next day he drives me back to my hotel and tells me he will see me in a few weeks, which surprised me because it’s a 3 hr plane ride. We keep on texting and FaceTiming for two weeks and he tells me he already told his parents and closer sister about me, he showed my pictures to his best friends family, etc. And some romantic things as well. He visits me three weeks after we met, but I get panic attacks many times which make it impossible for me to talk, like not a word could come out of my mouth and I didn’t know why. Still good sexual chemistry but he didn’t really get to know me or my ideas, thoughts, dreams, or any deep talk because of my insecurity and nerves. He leaves and i kinda feel disappointed on myself for not showing who i really am, and expecting him to not want to see me again. He then tells me I can come visit him anytime, and after five times of him insisting, he buys my plane ticket only two weeks after he came. This made me think he couldn’t wait to see me again. Also he acts interested in me, tells me he wants to get to know me more, my childhood, my goals, etc and wants one on one time with me. As days go by he starts acting a bit colder everyday but still nice to me. By this point I had already demonstrated that I’m a jealous person, which he seemed to not like and understand. Then I come visit from Wednesday to Sunday and everything goes great from Wednesday to Friday. On Friday I got drunk, then we started talking about relationships and he tells me this was like a fling, that he wasn’t thinking about the future but just enjoying, that he never thought me coming to visit him would confuse me. Of course I cried, we go to sleep, the next morning is so awkward but then his friends arrive and everything’s ok, we go out and he’s acting nice again, holding my hand and hugging me in front of his friends. I had more drink again and brought up the subject from last night and also got jealous about one of his friends, so he tells me neither me nor him are ready for a relationship and that he would never have a long distance ever again (he had done it before and it didn’t work), also that he feels nothing romantic between us anymore. So I get upset again, we go to sleep and the next day (Sunday) awkward morning again, then we went to the beach and laid on the sand and just talked about life, everything good. When I asked him if this was the last time we would see each other he only said: don’t say that.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    Then he took me to the airport and hooded my hand all the time, asked me for kisses, and gave me a goodbye hug and kiss.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    I know I fucked it up on Friday and Saturday with my jealousy, but what I don’t get is if this had always been a fling why did he tell his family about me, why did he come visit me less than a month before we met, then why did he bring me to visit him only two weeks after he came here, and all this questions that run through my mind. Did he never think of something serious? Or did he use to but my jealousy acting since the distance make him distant?<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

    #316625

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    “By this point I already demonstrated that I’m a jealous person, which he seemed to not like.. Friday I got drunk, then we started talking about relationships.. I had more drink again and brought up the subject from last night and also got jealous about one of his friends… I know I f*** it up Friday and Saturday with my jealousy, but what I dot get is if this had always been a fling… Did he never think of something serious?”-

    -Reads to me that he was very infatuated with you, that he liked you very much, was attracted to you and enjoyed your company until he experienced your jealousy, a jealousy that had no basis in reality, if I understand correctly, it is a jealousy that you experienced before you met him, with other men, with other people, something that is in you.

    It must have been very unpleasant for him, so he didn’t want any more of it.

    Do you want to describe this jealousy of yours, what is it about and how did you express it to him, what did you say and do when jealous, and when drunk and jealous?

    anita

     

     

    #316715

    Jess
    Participant

    Thanks for your quick reply, Anita!

    Yes, I had a toxic relationship for two and a half years, which ended on May 2018. After this break up I didn’t miss my ex, but I noticed I became more insecure about how I looked, insecure about my personality, about my intelligence. I had not been interested in anyone since that relationship, so I hadn’t experienced feeling jealous toward someone, until I met him and felt it. I knew I was just there for five days, and that I had to enjoy, but jealousy took over me.

    I’m not a fan of social media anymore, especially the ones where people pretend their life is perfect, but before visiting him I could help to look at the likes he had on his pictures, and go to every girl profile. If they were open accounts I would go through the photos and see if he liked them (I sound so crazy 🙁 )… so I found this one girl he posted a heart to. While we were at this bar I confessed him of my stalking, to which he replied in a normal way: it’s ok, I’ve been through your pictures too… and i told him I didn’t just watch his pictures but his likes and girls profiles and what I found about this girl. He got upset because he said she was only his friend and that nothing ever happened between them, and that he felt accused and judged by me

    At this same bar on Friday i was sure he was looking at a girl (which now I know he wasn’t).

    It’s important to mention this friend i got jealous about on Saturday was HIS BEST FRIENDS FIANCÉE! I felt they had this weird way of talking to each other, according to my ideas they were being flirty, and when I confronted him he (upset once more) told me: she is my best friend’s fiancée, what do you mean!?

    He felt disappointed that I didn’t trust him.

    All of this I’m telling you happened this weekend, and yesterday I started a new job. He texted me: good luck on your first day!!

    i just replied with a: thanks! Have a good day Because, like I told him: I think we should stop talking when I get back to Mexico, and he said: I don’t think it should be that way, I still care about you.

    of course I would love to keep talking to him but if I knew this was going somewhere… also I don’t want to be his friend, and he was clear he doesn’t want it. What should I do? Delete him? Block him? Or just leave him there in case life ever brings me close to him again? Is everything lost?…

     

    sorry if the order of the paragraphs is messed, I was typing this from my phone and kept remembering things as I wrote this.

    #316763

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    It all  happened too fast. The two of you had sex too fast, second night of meeting him. He then told you that he talked to his family about you.. too fast. And you got jealous of interactions he had with other girls… too fast. It was too early for you to .. sort of take possession of his social media interactions with other women.

    When the two of you met on vacation- he made no promises to you, no deal  was struck. When he left to the States, still, no  promises, no commitment, nothing but an exchange of a mutual good time.

    In other words, you rushed into jealously when there was no relationship yet established, no definition of any kind about what a relationship between the two  of you can be or should  be.

    Too soon, too fast to be “something serious”- it could be but not automatically and not while creating difficulties that are unnecessary and make a relationship less likely.

    I suggest that you slow down, communicate with him but remove the sexual element. Communicate with him as a new friend and a potential future boyfriend. Get to know him as a friend and let him get to know you as the person that you are.

    You wrote in your original post that you had “good sexual chemistry but he didn’t really get to know me or my ideas, thoughts, dreams, or any talk… I kinda feel disappointed on myself for not showing who I really am”-

    – see, the “good sexual chemistry” did not show him who you really are. So show him now who you really are by typing away your words, your “ideas, thoughts, dreams”.

    anita

    #316857

    Jess
    Participant

    Yes, you are right, I rushed into many things and need to slow down. Thank you very much for sharing your opinion with me, I really appreciate it. I will get professional help as well, to cope with my unhealthy jealousy and lack of self confidence.

     

    THANKS A LOT!!!

    #316889

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jess:

    You are very welcome. Feel free to post here anytime about any topic,  and I will be glad to read from you and reply.

    anita

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.