Long story short, 7 years ago while on a volleyball team, there was a guy who was part of the group. Handsome fellow, all the ladies flocked to him. There was major drama, the details of which I wasn’t aware of because I never got involved in those things, but from what I heard and gathered, he was a playboy and ended up sleeping with 3 women from the group. I was always cautious and stayed away from him, and never had any interest in being more than acquaintances. I was on the volleyball team for 3 years, and then life happened, went back to school, worked, and didn’t know anything about him or the group for about 5 years, but kept in touch here and there with one friend.

In August of 2016 I left NY and moved to Miami. Again, I had no idea what happened to him, and barely kept in touch with friends from back home. Living in Miami changed my life drastically, and for the better. Fast forward to holidays of 2017. I was back home in NY and decided I wanted to start 2018 fresh and focus solely on myself and my goals, and put love aside until the time was right. Oddly enough, the day after Christmas, I received a message on FB messenger that this guy added me on FB messenger. I found it completely odd, especially since I hadn’t heard from him for over 5 years, and we weren’t even friends on FB. To be honest, I thought nothing of it, and simply brushed it aside. Then on January 24th of this year, while on my way to work, I was in the back of an Uber reading a book. Suddenly, I decided to look up to estimate how much longer it would take to get to the office, and who do I see walking out of the 7-11, this guy. My jaw dropped, and as the car drove by, I gawked and couldn’t believe it. To be honest, it felt like I saw a ghost. I even wrote an entry in my journal saying “I saw a ghost” because I couldn’t believe it. I shook my head in utter disbelief, and thought it couldn’t possibly be him, that it was probably just a look a like. So, I ignored it. And for about 2-3 days, there was this nagging that I should reach out. My intuition, my Spirit guides, everything said to reach out, but I refused. It was incessant, and finally I caved in. I logged onto FB and sent him a message. I asked him, are you in Miami? And he said no, why, and I told him I live in Miami and thought I saw his clone. He responded that he was in fact in Miami Beach, but was now in Ft. Lauderdale, not far from where I live. So I politely told him that if he was ever back in town he could reach out, and left it at that.

Here’s where it starts to get interesting. About 3 weeks later, while high off my face, and horny as any Scorpio woman could be, I sent him a message saying WYD, which I originally intended for someone else, but sent to him because from what I remember back in the volleyball days, it was mentioned he was well endowed. And again, bearing in mind I was high and horny which was a molotov cocktail of bad decisions, I opened pandoras box. And we began a series of raunchy messages, and we agreed that he was going to come to Miami again and visit. I had a friend who was visiting at the time, and so we waited until she left so he could come and hang out. At first I said there are plenty of hotels around, etc. He was reluctant and said it was too much money, and although I knew it was better that he didn’t stay with me, I went against my better judgement and allowed him to crash at my place, and agreed he was to stay for 2 nights only.

He arrived on Feb 15th, and after 5 years of not seeing each other, it was like we were old pals. The chemistry was off the charts and tangible. Quite inexplicable really. There was this spark that was so palpable in the air and real. We came back to my place to get him settled in, but couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and had sex. I had to go back to work, and called an Uber, and he decided to go with me so he could get dropped off on Ocean Drive, which was on the way to my office. While in the Uber he began talking to the driver who was a girl, and flirting and exchanged numbers with her in my presence. That was a major red flag I know now I should have seen and not ignored. In any case, he ended up cancelling his flight all together, and had no return date to get back to NY. He was here a total of 8 days. To say that it was the most beautiful experience I’ve ever had with a man is an understatement.

He’s in the military, and shared he was in Iraq and Kuwait for an 11 month tour, and had just gotten back before the new year. He was taking a vacation in Miami because NY was too cold, hence why we ran into each other. We had many, many, many heart-to-heart conversations that lasted well into night and morning hours. He tended to my heart and gave me such solid words of wisdom, and told me how amazing I was, how beautiful I was and taught me how to have more confidence, that I have everything in me to “get shit done”, and I listened to him and understood him with patience and love. Honestly, we couldn’t get enough of each other. I took the week off and worked from home just so we could be together. Everything flowed. It felt natural to be together. We didn’t even need to speak. Being in each other’s presence was so fulfilling. There were no awkward moments of silence. It was a freeing kind of love. We were able to be ourselves fully, without reservation, and we accepted the other just as we were. It was lovely. We sang and danced for each other, and were silly and laughed till our bellies ached. I cooked, he made the bed, took out the trash. He took me out on dates, we went shopping, he bought groceries, made sure I was taken care of when we were out, and really wined and dined me. It was beautiful. So beautiful. One night, we got into an argument while at the bar down my block. During our conversation, he said that I was jealous and didn’t want to share him (during the high/horny text I mentioned having a threesome because I had no intentions of taking him seriously based on what I knew about him but he proved to have more depth and substance than I ever took him for), and said quite loudly “I told you I don’t want a relationship!” and I immediately began to cry, got up and left him at the bar. He chased after me, and with tears in my eyes I said, “Please, I need space. Give me 10 minutes, I just need space.” I went back to my place to cool off and really gather my emotions. He showed up, and began saying “Look, every girl I’ve ever been with has tried to trap me and I don’t want that right now, I gotta get my shit together first…” I looked at him and told him, “I’m not jealous or anything. It’s just that you mean more to me now than I had originally anticipated. And every time you’re done speaking, my heart is full of nothing but love and gratitude for you for the gifts of growth you’ve given me… and all I can hear is the silent prayer of my heart for you… that you may feel loved, cherished and appreciated wherever you’re path may lead.” Immediately I saw him melt. His shoulders sank, he gave me the most loving look, and said, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry. Can I get a hug?” We spent a few more days together in bliss and harmony. In the throws of passion, he’d exclaim, “Be mine”, and all his actions matched that. Then he broke the news that he got new military orders, and was to report to Mississippi. The night before he left, I asked him what he felt towards me, and he said “You’re amazing. You’re just amazing… I could go on, but I think I’ve said enough…” He also told me how he didn’t want to leave. That in all the time he was in Miami, and has been on vacation, there were only 2 places he felt really good my place being one of them, that for whatever reason he couldn’t explain, he didn’t want to leave because “this”, being together here in my place, was “serenity”. He went on and booked a flight and left Feb 23rd for NY to pack his things and move down south for what was to be a 6 months training. I haven’t seen him since.

During that time, he was very affectionate. he would text every day, call. He wanted to know what I was up to. It was amazing. And I truly thought that it was the beginning of something beautiful, and couldn’t wait for the military to be done with him. Then in early to mid-March I got sick while on my way into work (I was hit by a car while crossing the street January of this year) and had to be rushed to the ER. Due to the injuries I had from the accident, and the fact that I continued to work 50-55 hours without stopping, my body shut down, and reached the point of exhaustion. I was in the hospital for 6 days. My blood pressure was so high, and after 3 days of doctors not being able to control it, I had a convulsive seizure, and nearly died. I was in and out of consciousness, lost feeling on the entire right side of my body, could barely speak, or move. It was brutal. The night of the seizure, before it happened, I called him because I wanted to hear a familiar voice and needed some comfort. He sounded odd, to be frank. He was driving and I heard someone whisper, to which he quietly responded “Yea”. It felt odd to me, as if he was hiding something. And then he rushed me off the phone and said, “Let me call you back.” He never called. The seizure happened. It was about 2 days later I finally texted him “Thanks for calling back” to which he became hostile, and down right mean. I told him I would be in NY and that we could talk while I was there. His response? “No thank you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” I was devastated and soaked my hospital gown in tears. I decided to be done with him, and cut him off. After getting out of the hospital, my mother came down to take care of me while I got back on my feet. During this time, I realized that my spare keys were no where to be found. Being he was the last one who had them, I texted him if he had mistakenly taken them with him, to which he said no. A week later, he texted me and said that he had in fact found my keys. Here’s the thing: the day he left I saw him take the keys, but said nothing because he repeatedly said he would be back. So I knew he initially lied about the keys but didn’t want to make a mountain out of it. It was something I made a mental note of though. And I continued no contact with him.

Fast forward to beginning of April. After only being back to work for 2 weeks, I was let go. It was a blessing in disguise, and 2-3 weeks later was asked to become the personal assistant of a singer/artist to go on promo tours with him and his entourage. It was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. I got to travel the world, and meet amazing people, all in the lap of luxury. It was the experience of a lifetime. During this time, specifically on the flight from Mexico City to Bogota, I thought of him and decided to reach out through IG. I sent him a DM and said, “For what its worth… got shit done, like you said… got hired as personal assistant for so and so… did Vegas for Latin Billboards, LA, Mexico City, and now off to Bogota. Thanks again for the encouragement.” He immediately responded, and wanted to know if I had gotten a promotion, gotten a raise, how much it was. It seemed as if only cared that I had status. That was May 1st, and we’ve been in touch ever since. We had arguments here and there. When I asked him what he wanted from me he would blow me off, be rude and condesending. I was hurt, and cried my eyes out. We stopped talking for a week. And I decided that since he had my keys, and I was going to do another tour, it was best to change my locks incase he had the idea of crashing at my place while I was away. And sure enough.

While in Buenos Aires, he sent me a message saying “I need to leave NY!!!” I got in touch to find out what was going on. I thought he was still in Mississippi. Turns out that that ended, the details of which he only said “the pay wasn’t what I expected”, but somehow I felt that wasn’t the entire truth. He also shared that he turned down the a government job in Miami (while he was here, he was interviewing I so he could move down here, he showed me emails from his military account and let me listen to voicemails). But things just didn’t make sense, and he offered no further explanation. According to him, he had to leave NY because his “roommate” kicked him out, and he was “taken” to a hotel, and was there with his dog. His car was back at the house. When I asked details about what the fuck went on and what exactly happened, he responded with “I don’t want to talk about it”. So, being that I was over 5,000 miles away and could really not help him, I said, “I would tell you to crash at my place,” when the phone rang. He called bc I knew he wanted me to say “Sure! Crash at my place!” But I was frank and told him, “I would tell you to crash at my place since you have the keys, but you were such an ass to me, so I changed the locks.” He got quiet and withdrew a bit. He mentioned how we would have to move in together, that we would have to get a 1 bedroom apartment because my place is too small for the both of us. He began looking for jobs, and making all these plans for the future. I told him that I was working, and that I had to maintain my focus, but that as soon as I got back stateside I would start looking for apartments, and so I did. His demeanor changed as soon as I got back, and was even more secretive. So I called him out on it and told him that he got me all worried while I was away, just for me to come back and for him not have such urgency to make moves so he could finally move down here, that he wasn’t responding to texts, so I said “I call bullshit”. He said please stop. To this day, I still don’t know exactly what happened or why he ended up in a hotel room. I asked him if he ever intended on ever letting me now what transpired, and he said “Nah” to which I responded, if you can’t be honest with me, we can’t be friends. He said I’m sorry you feel that way I had no mal-intentions. We didn’t speak for about 2 weeks.

Father’s day rolled around, (he has a daughter from a previous marriage) and so I wished him a happy father’s day. We began talking again. I knew he wasn’t being honest with me, so I kept my guard, even though I loved him. But it was the love I had for him that drove me to offer him the only thing I knew how to do, magick. I bought some candles and a bunch of supplies, and began my dabbling. I told him what I was going to do, and he was all in. He began calling me and was interested in knowing exactly how it all works. I told him what to do, and he did. We talked about it and he asked questions. It was beautiful. It reminded me of that week we spent together. And then he told me that he was going to Puerto Rico for a month to help rebuild. Immediately, I knew he wasn’t the man that everyone claimed he was all those years ago. And my heart fell even more deeply in love with him. And so I put everything I had into the work, and gave all my love and good intentions. He was excited, as was I.

Then, this past weekend, I went out with a friend. So many men approached me, touched me, tried getting my attention. I rebuffed every single one of them because he holds such a special place in my heart. I love him. But then I began to think if I was a fool, or worse yet, being fooled. I began to wonder if he feels the same way about me, especially since its been 5 months of not seeing each other. I took to IG and noticed all these girls he followed from LSU from his time in Mississippi, girls from Miami that he followed from when he was here. And doubt began to set in. Being that I’ve shared my heart with him, I decided to ask him straight out, “Are you still interested in getting to know me or has someone else grabbed your attention?” He said “I already know you. And I don’t understand this line of questioning. I’ll talk to you another time!” To which I replied, “Do you? I’m not sure how well you can know someone via text” He immediately blew me off, and said “I’ll talk to you later. And I’m being nice about it because I could have totally ignored you” So I explained why I asked, that I had gone out, etc. He replied, “Dude, I’m leaving to Puerto Rico tomorrow and don’t need this shit. Please stop.” This was all this past Sunday.

And, it just so happens, that the one friend that I kept in touch with from the volleyball group reached out and told me she was planning a trip to Miami. We began to talk, and I causally asked her, “hey whatever happened to him?” Again, I opened pandoras box. She told me everything that happened. How he was using her and stayed at her place for a while, sleeping with her, and how he would text her friend who later became his girlfriend, the very next day saying “bring paper towels so we can fuck in the car” and yet they dated after the fact. My heart dropped. I felt my entire being sink. She also shared how when the friend moved in with him, that he was flirting with a girl in the building, and that he had a lesbian friend who really wasn’t a lesbian but his fuck buddy (he mentioned her when he was here), and how to this day he still reaches out the the friend/ex saying “let’s be friends” (according to him, its her that reaches out), that they met a girl from the same town we’re from, and while he was living with the friend/ex he looked up the other girl on FB and began a romance with her, the girl posted it all over FB and then someone blew up his spot saying he already had a girlfriend. Mind you, we’re not friends on FB and he has me blocked for reasons I even don’t know. Again, I felt shook. Because putting all the pieces together I realize that maybe our meeting wasn’t so random after all. That maybe he hunted me down, tracked me down because he knew I lived here, how he intentionally took my keys, and intentionally said he had drama when I was away…. I was shook. Because I didn’t know what to believe. So I cut him off. I responded 2 days later, and said “I agree with you. I will stop, forever. Please don’t contact me again.” Then, out of my own anger and hurt, I went a step further and texted him the most vile message. I threw his past in his face, I used his childhood trauma against him, and disrespected him with such a low blow. I allowed my emotions to hurt someone else. I have caused more hurt and pain. I know what I did is beyond awful, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself, or if he will, but I can’t help but be left wondering…. did I really do the right thing if it hurts and cuts this much???