Difficulty dealing with major breakup

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    Jane doe

    My ex boyfriend and I had been together for 7 and a half years. We met online. I was in California and he was in Oregon. After six months of talking online and falling for each other he came to live with me in Cali. Everything was great at first but after several months we moved an hour drive away from my family and I ended up not having transportation to see them very much. At the time I didn’t know but looking back being away from my family made things hard on our relationship. Anyways a year or so later his mother got cancer and he wanted to move back to oregon. I was still in love with him and not ready to let him go so I went with him. Again at the time I didn’t know but being even further away from my family was even harder for me. It’s like I was unconscious of all this. Like I knew I missed them but I was in denial about how bad it was and I think that affected our relationship because I might have had a very mild depression about it. Anyways several months later he said he was not completely happy with our relationship and didn’t think we would be together forever. However he was upset about the idea of me moving back to Cali and he still loved me and obviously wasn’t ready to let me go. So we decided to stay together. Then come to find out I was pregnant. So we stayed together and tried to raise our son and make it all work out. Our relationship wasn’t horrible but it was that great. It wasn’t what we thought was an ideal relationship. What had happened was we got together in the beginning for the wrong reasons and not knowing it. We are both codependent. We both have self esteem issues and used each other to feel wanted and appreciated but of course we didn’t always fulfill that for each other which caused problems. Now I know all this and know that we both need to create our own self worth. Anyways two and a half years ago we found a place with his mother with cancer to help take care of her. I knew she had some mental issues but didn’t know the full extent until we were living with her. I found out she has major depression, anxiety, PTSD, and possible borderline personality disorder. So basically we lived with her for two years and she drove us crazy! I ended up depressed and anxious too! This was a major strain on our relationship. Finally she moved out at the beginning of the year but right before that my ex started playing this game online which is a very social game too. He started making a few friends on there and said that he was grateful for them because they made him feel appreciated. Some of them girls which isn’t necessarily a big deal since one of his best friends is a girl and he really gets along with girls. He ended up texting with them on a app on his iPad. I went in the app not intending to spy but a conversation popped up with a girl and it seemed like he was kinda flirty with her. I was jealous especially because he was started to seem more distant and getting on this game all the time and not talking to me as much. He was seeming more and more unhappy but when he was on his iPad texting he would have these little smiles and he would be enjoying himself on there but not with me. He ended up ensuring me that he didn’t have anything going on with any of these girls just friends. Then his mom moved out and I was elated. I mean I felt so freaking good! However I knew this high wouldn’t last forever but it was an opportunity for me to work on myself and my family. My ex boyfriend however didn’t seem happier. Then we had a conversation that really started to change everything. I drilled him to find out what was really going on and come to find out he really wasn’t happy with our relationship and felt like for example we had some bad relationship habits that would be difficult to change. We talked about separating bit still living together. Then it was just like in the past when he still wanted sleep with me and whatnot which didn’t make sense so we decided to stay together for several months and try to improve things and if that didn’t work we would break up. Except he didn’t seem to want to work on things and he was still sucked into that game and talking to these other people which made me feel bad because it brought up feelings of worthlessness. I ended up breaking up with him in the spur of the moment the next week. I don’t even remember why but was feeling okay with it. But then the next week I found out that he had been developing feelings for one of the girls. She lived in Minnesota and he wanted to go see her. Not soon but eventually. He even talked about moving there maybe if they ended up falling in love and we would split custody of our son. He gets him Six months and I get him six months (btw son is four years old). When I found all this out I had a major breakdown! I felt so sick like I had the flu. Even called in sick for two days and had five days away from work. I couldn’t eat and ended up losing several pounds. Btw we were agreeing to stay living together because we both watch our son while the other is at work and we both need to pay the rent. Also he was feeling much better and was actually there to support me while I was sick and upset. I know this is weird but we are staying good friends. Best friends even. Okay this is even more weird but we continued to sleep in the same bed and cuddle and to still have sex. Basically we called it friends with benefits. Anyways after getting sick about it I started to feel better because I thought that if he moved then I could move back to Cali. So then over the next month or so I kept going back and forth between wanting him back and not wanting him back but we continued to be friends with benefits and hang out together. Then this other girl ended up having feelings for someone else so that ended. We still didn’t want to get back together tho. Then a few weeks later another girl came into the picture that he is having feelings for her now. She lives in the freaking Philippines tho! He’s talked about going to visit her and even sent her I’m guessing a love letter. Then one night we got drunk and he passed out and I feel really bad but I was drunk and wondering just how serious things were so I went on his iPad and looked at their conversations and I just wanted to take a quick peek to see how she talks to him and whatnot. Big mistake and not something I ever do! I believe in people privacy but everything has been crazy! Anyways things were pretty serious for example he said to her that he wanted her to have his baby! He always wanted an Asian baby! And he feels like she is his dream girl and he has been dreaming about her for years! Wtf?! So after that I told him that I was having fears about being without my son for any period of time and he said that it would be ideal that we live in the same city. Then I asked him about his future and he said that the most important is to take care of his family. Then I said what about this girl and he said if it came down to it he would try to get her to move here. So this brings us to the present. We are still friends with benefits for now. I’m going through many different things in my head. Like I don’t want him back but sometimes I do. Anyways I’m telling you right now for the moment we need to live together. I know I makes it harder to let go. I’m just trying to enjoy the moment and his friendship that we have. I know people probably think I’m crazy for how I’m dealing with this but I’m a very understanding and compassionate person and maybe he is having a hard time letting go too and he is afraid to be alone. Also how do I deal with anxious thought about being without my son some of the time? The fact is this relationship with this girl might not ever work out so I’m in the here and now thinking about it all the time worrying about the unknown future. Please share your thoughts about this weird situation and I appreciate any advice. Sorry this is so long I just felt like I had to explain this long relationship.


    You say that you don’t want him back, yet you are expressing jealousy about this other woman. You can love someone,you can love them all you want – but it in no way means that it is always the best kind of love for you. You should do what is best for your child. I feel that living under the same roof, and still sleeping with him (seriously, you’re giving him the best of both worlds; no responsibility for him, but he still gets sex. Very bad for your self esteem.) isn’t the best thing for yourself or your child. I understand that people will stay together for their children. I understand the reasons they have for this. But, doesn’t it make for an unhappy situation? Children aren’t dumb; they can pick up on things and it can affect them. Maybe your solution is to live in the same city, and start new. It seems this man you’ve been with (and let’s face it, you still are) isn’t moving in the same direction as you. For things to work, and for it to be a happy situation, both people have to be moving in the same direction/be on the same page. Would you let a best friend treat you the way this man is? If the answer is no, then you know in your heart what is the best thing for yourself and your child. Go for your future goals (and your child’s), and surround yourself with what brings out the best in yourself – not the worst (example: jealousy and fear). Once you make your decision, you can reflect back on this moment and realize it was not so bad:)


    I notice these women are both online. To me it’s all fantasy. (Yes, that’s how you met, but I think he will prob. never meet them.) The gaming is an escape. Online is great! Beats mom dying, trying to pay rent, etc. It has little, if anything, to do with you. And after more than seven years, he sounds a little immature for his age (even if you had gotten together as young teenagers).

    I would move out but live in the same town so he can see the child. It will be easier to break off the friends with benefits BS. It’s been too long. Or, take the summer off and you and your son visit your family! Maybe stay for good, he can move this time! You are in control of your own life. Sadly, not his.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

    Jess and Inky made great comments and suggestions.

    I think your title says it all. “Difficulty Dealing w/ Major Break Up”. You are aware that you are having a hard time dealing with the breakup. It doesn’t seem like you are happy in this situation so how much longer do you want to live unhappy? 1 more year? 2 more years? 10 more?
    I agree with Inky. Your child’s father is living in a fantasy land and finds his escape on the internet. Regardless of what and why, he is not committed to you. You need to get your life back. Taking control will be scary now, but you will thank yourself for it down the line.

    You need to move out. Whether it means going back home or living with a friend, you need to be in a separate space. Yes, he will want to see his son. But it doesn’t have to be on his terms. It will take compromise from both parties.

    Stop having sex with him.

    Focus on you and your son. Bettering your life. Accomplishing goals. Spend time with family.
    Do not allow one confused and unstable man to determine your selfworth. You can love him. You can consider him a best friend. But what is the use of having a best friend when you can’t be a best friend to yourself? You can’t truly love yourself because you are in a situation that allows you to constantly be demoralized.
    After you get some space (9-12 months), I think you will be able to see the relationship clearly. You both will. And then you can decide on what next step is best for you and your son.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Shellie.

    Just broke up a couple of weeks ago with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for 10 years enjoying our 4 children, 3 biological and her son from her legal husband. I’m so confused what to do now because I decided for this break up. She is asking for a chance but I denied her the chance to be together again.

    A short background:

    My girlfriend is overpowering me ever since. All major decisions are her call otherwise it’ll be World War… minor decisions are on me and most of the time overruled. She can decide for our common fund instantly, she gives to her relatives but when I just got an idea like “what if we give some money to my brother?” OMG it’s WW III instantly. My parents are telling my that I am not asserting my rights in the family but my only goal is to keep the family that’s why I opted to keep quiet and follow her orders. By the way she’s older by 9. Every time we have arguments, even if she’s at fault… it’s my fault, and nothing to do but say sorry. If I don’t do that, she will continue to keep quiet, destroy some stuff, and bring the bomb of separation. For so long, every time there’s a war between us, she releases the bomb and all I can do is to surrender and detonate it just to keep the family. However, last few months, our fight gone wild and became very often. Maybe, the frequency was 3 times a week. My mother together with our kids traveled abroad to visit us. One time, my mother witnessed again her wrath confronting me. I surrendered. Next few days, happened again, she released the bomb and I FINALLY ACCEPTED it. I ended it and accepted the separation.

    After a day she pleaded for a chance. She even told me that every time she offered the separation, she never meant it. OMG! How about the torture that I experienced every time she throw that bomb. I told her it’s over, I’m fed up, let’s be co-parent for the kids.

    She said that she’ll change for good, the power in the family is on me, she will just be in the background with the pre-condition that I will assure to her that I will come back to her. Since, I want to make her realize what she did, I didn’t give her any assurance that I will come back because if she really means to change, change first and let’s see later on. Since, she didn’t receive any assurance of me coming back, she returned to me my 3 biological kids-my mother and the 3 kids flew back home. What happened last couple of days was, she stopped giving provision for the 3 kids, she left all responsibilities for the 3 kids on me, she resigned from her work, and said kids are on me she doesn’t care anymore. She will leave this country and fly anywhere she likes. *** Unless I come back to her, she will stay and continue the provision and parenting my kids.

    My requirements to her are:
    1. Make peace with my family because she aggravate the situation inflicting emotional pain to my parents and brothers.
    2. Be humble to my parents

    Her response:
    1. That’s the best I can do, I said sorry. If they didn’t see the sincerity, I don’t care.

    My goal:
    1. To teach her a lesson
    2. To help me providing for the kids
    3. To help me parenting the kids

    Her condition:
    1. Come back

    Please… any insight? I’m really puzzled down here.


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