Hello

I met my now ex partner 4 years ago…she completely blew my mind. This was intense from the word go and I can honestly say that I had never felt love and passion like it in my life. I knew she had mental health issues from the start, however this never really had any impact on our relationship or happiness…for the first 12 months.

After our first year together we would argue like any other couple but then she would start to get personal and use the things i had told her about myself in an argument…this would get into my head..and deep down she knew this. There had been times when she had assaulted me and i had called the police only for me not to take it any further because i knew she was unwell mentally.

I found out that she had been a very heavy drug user (mainly cannabis and valium) and that sneaked into our relationship. It didn’t matter where she went or what hospital admission she had, she would always come out with a new using buddy.

To me, this was not what i wanted and i made that clear from the start…i have a son and drugs were just never part of the life that i wanted him to see or be around.

Over the last year, her mental state has deteriorated rapidly…the drug use has increased and then she began gambling. The arguments this caused were horrendous and the cycle that followed was predictable. She would be on edge…gamble…lose…get angry…go out and use…repeat…day in day out.

Recently she has accused me of cheating…being paranoid about everything indo and say. I felt like i couldn’t say anything without tipping her over the edge…but when i stayed quiet she would accuse me of not being interested.

Things came to a head at the weekend…we had argued in the morning (she didn’t like something I said to her)…she went out all day drinking and then returned home telling me sshe had proof that I had cheated (I havent).

She assaulted me and screamed in my face telling me how much she hated me. I’m ashamed to say I retaliated and slapped her across the face…I knew what I had done was wrong and broke down.

She stormed out threatening to kill herself so I rang the police…the difference is that this time I made a statement and she is currently on bail.

I have since retracted my statement…I cant face going to court…she is a master manipulator and that has shown in the joint friends we have now blanking me…including her mum. This really hurts, as they have evidently taken her side and I am painted out to be the bad person.

My problem is…I still love her…and I hate that I do! I know the relationship is over…I know that I have lost her…the woman I fell in love with…so why cant I see how bad things were? Why would I not trust myself to say no if she turned up on my doorstep?

I have so many conflicting emotions I’m finding it hard to see straight…today I have done nothing but cry…for what we had…for all our Hope’s and plans…for the us we used to be…the future seems so bleak…so dark…so alone.

Thank you for reading…I think I just needed to let some things out.