HI Anita,
My 20 year old son is in college, junior year. He know nothing of what is in my mind or heart. Not his businees at the moment, as he is very enmeshed and friendly with his dad ( my husband), calling and texting dialy to talk about sports, and college life with him. He does call me once in awhile when needing an academic question or advice, and to let me know he needs books ordered or etc, about school. See, I am the academic one and Dad is the sports buddy. I know nothing of sports and couldnt be bored more with it. So, we have our roles with kiddo.
My son will contact me and tell me what a “skank” I am if not worse words. He doesnt understand, as he has never had a serious girlfriend and quite the player as it were. Feels women are a “pain in the …ss.
So, I am good with that, I know deep within me, that I gave it all for him and made sure he was confident, strong and serious about his education. ( Dirty, dark secret, I have 5 abortions before him, as pressed by my husband and how a kid wouldn’t fit in our life at the time). I finally grew some cahones, and defied my husband on the 6th pregnancy and he backed down, but not after a month of attempting to strongly coerce me to have another abortion. Secretly, I wanted a child so much, but acquiesced to him every time. So ironic that they are the best of buddies now. Absolutely no one knows of this, except my husband and me.

You are correct, on the releasing. It is ME that has to leave, even though it is my house and my belongings. I cant speak logically or calmly to the husband, not sure of emotional collapse or violence that may come of it. We have never soulfully talked, as he is uncomfortable with being insightful. I am saving money in order to pay for a hotel room for about 3 weeks at the cost of a couple thousand. Drop a letter with short concise info, as in ”
Cant do this anymore, dont have it in me anymore, no love anymore?. WIll not bring up other, as this will just have hime focus his rage on the other and how that bastard came back around again! ( tHOUGH IT HAS BEEN 40 yEARS).If he doesn not vacate the hosue in 3 weeks, I will calmly tell him I cant pay an aprtment for myself, and the house, so I am wiling to foreclose it, I dont give a damn. That is what I am prepared to do. Having paid for everything, he will need to start paying his way in this life, as I have spent most of my money and he has saved his. Let him take his savings ( 40K) and make a life for himself. Material things dont mean a damn thing to me anymore, and once the timing is right, I will bounce from this. I have a high level super-responsible job, so have to wait a few months til June, when I can take some time off for the storms that will engulf me. I will definitely live alone, so I can figure out my next step. My beloved can come visit or I with him for a few days at a time, until the storms settle down. That be my plan so far. You thoughts?

Dear Anita,
Yes, I have had a “melancholy” marriage for a dozen years or more. You know the one, where something is missing, but cant put your thoughts clearly on what it is? NO fights, no arguments, just feeling taken for granted. I rarely asked for discussions, because the discussions would deteriorate into “How miserable can you be? What about me?” He always mentioned how my education and life were so much better than his. It is because I am college-educated and continued to push for higher jobs ambitiously. This is a man who didnt know how to work a computer, until forced to learn a little through his low-level jobs. I had thought when he was unemployed for about 18 months 10 years ago, he would have taken some courses or learning to find a skill or job he could do. Nope, he laid on the couch, but did clean the house and cook meals while I worked and paid everything. He remains in lower level jobs, and that is why I am the breadwinner, and he is the saver. I have always never bitched or moaned, because he always said he had a lousy life, and why am I complaining? I have a career, etc……….. the negotiation between us ( or actually the mandate to me) was that he would save his money for us, and I would pay the bills. To be honest, he has been a good saver, but I know not to touch it. Still feels like “his money” and “my money” separate. We do have separate checking accounts.
Have spoken to a lawyer, about the “What if” on this.. It appears in this state, there is no “no-fault”, so either have to have desertion for one year, or infidelity or mental illness, as a cause. After that, then the finances are initially split 50/50, and then negotiations start. This means I may be subject to alimony payments to him, because I make more. Also, in this backward state, if infidelity, desertion, etc are the reason, the person who is at fault, will be subject to having to give more to the “injured party”. So, I know what could happen in worst case scenario. Oh well, cant take it with you, huh?
I also may be liable for paying the exorbitant tuition for the son to finish his last year. I know the storm will be abominable, but have to be tolerated.
Thank you for your logical kindness.!

Hello again Anita,
To make it less confusing, I am going to code them R-1 (college husband#1) and R-2 (current husband#2) Both have names starting with R.
I have had two major blow-ups with R-2 in all these years married. In those 2 blow-ups, I was pushed back onto the bed, or pushed up against a wall and screamed at inches from my face. A few drinks also exacerbated the scene. His (R-2) M.O. is to always subtlety confront in a public setting (restaurant, bar, etc). That way, I have to be controlled and aware of my surroundings, as he also aware. If my voice raises, then his reminder that we are in public stops me from really ranting. Also, hard to leave then, since we came in one car and I am the one usually driving. These happen nearly monthly, but they don’t escalate and I just remain silent and it blows over.
The 2 major blow ups in 35 years were later at home that same night after the dinner out, then it escalated. The last time (6 years ago) , I wanted to grab my keys and go, but R-2 grabbed them first and wouldn’t let me go. You have to go down 2 flights of stairs to get to the garage, and he blocked the doors to the garage and pushed me back. There is no punching or such, just pushing me back.
Do you know the insane jealousy and anger, if he finds out the situation with R-1? R-1 met me at one of R-2’s parties at the time,and we fell for each other hard.
History: I was casually dating R-2 and didn’t think he would even care, as we weren’t serious or even consummated anything.
(Again, gotta love those 70’s and the Pill!) R-2 and R-1(was dating both) had a fist fight over me (drama!) in the Holiday Inn parking lot in 1973.I was there and found out it was instigated by my mother, who called R-2 that I was going out with R-1 and didn’t he want to know that? Mother again, deeply troubled and threatened for my deep affection for R-1. I was deeply in love with R-1and left with him after telling R-2 in the parking lot, that he has no claims on me, and I was going with R-1, and left in R-1’s car. . Of course, then my mother refused to let me see R-1 much and even locked the gates to her house, so he couldn’t come over. I had to meet him for a few hours at school and on weekends. That is why I married in 1974 at 19, after running away to his mother’s house on my bicycle. She blocked me at every turn. He was such a sweet guy, but once I got my freedom from the oppressive mother, I wanted to party hard, as I had not been allowed to at home. My R-1 worked 2 jobs for us and we disconnected emotionally as we had different hours. I went to school and a part time job during day hours, and R-1 worked days starting at 6 am and worked til nearly 11 at night. Also, we had twin beds, as that how the apartment was furnished. In hindsight, it also added to the disconnect, as we were like ships in the night. He was so tired, and I was the college girl! He was not into discos and partying, and was more serious than fidgety young me. After all that, I basically got bored and wanted freedom. Needless to say, I am very different now, and his calm, gentle and sweet demeanor enchant me now. He calls me daily. We do have a deep connection, and regret the misfires of before.

R-2 found out about our communication one year ago, cried, collapsed and yelled, ” That F……r is still in my life, that SOB!” I denied any feelings and said it was just a mild flirt via Facebook and since then, he doesn’t know I still communicate or see him around every 4-6 months or so. R-2 became super sweet then and nothing like his usual nature for about 5 months, and then went back to his usual ways of whining about his life is lousy and his suffering in this life.

Its too late, I don’t feel anything but numbness for R-2. I keep the “game face” on at all times. and don’t let him get under my skin, because I basically don’t care anymore. He knows nothing, as I don’t want to have anyone physically threatened or hunted down. I have not seen an aggressive side, but don’t want to tempt it. My feeling is that if R-2 has nothing to lose, he will rain anger and possible vengeance over his meal ticket/convenience person being taken from him at this late in the game. As you can seen, the entire scene before when he found out, was “What about Me?” again. He never once asked if I was happy, or even cared why I communicated with him. Its all about him. Always has been.
Baby steps, baby steps…..

Hello again, Anita…
Baby steps included researching the actual divorce/separation laws in my state. Also, figuring out how I can get a loan off of my 401K, to get some 5-6K to live on, if R-2 wont leave the house in several weeks after I leave. I would still need to pay the mortgage and bills for one more month, as well as have somewhere to live and pay for it on my own. I will not go to live with R-1, immediately, in order to demonstrate that this isn’t the reason I am leaving. Also, wont be tangible proof of infidelity if that is pursued by R-2.
I have copies of all current financials, and since we have separate accounts, I know his account #’s and his financials also.
I have gathered a Rolodex of all his online credit cards and other accounts with all the passwords, etc, to give to him, so he wont be depending on me anymore. Right now, I pay the online CC and other bills of his, at his direction. He don’t like the computer, so I am the caretaker on that. Once I leave, then he will have his info and need to figure it out.

There is nothing of real value in this house, and I wont be dickering about sofa’s or stuff, so I don’t care what he wants. If he refuses to leave the house, I will not keep paying on it. He can start paying or I can foreclose. I don’t give a damn, except that it will trash my credit and I know that. The only value I have is my little dog, so have researched for hotels/ extended stays that take pets.
He will not pay the son’s tuition going forward when I leave, as he will need to pay rent and his living expenses and not pay the monthly tuition bill. I will negotiate through my lawyer, how to pay that if he refuses. I do know he has nearly 40K in his private checking account( such a saver, huh?), so he can start paying his own life and probably could pay son’s last year of college. If he refuses, I will cash out a small 401K of mine and pay it, with advice from lawyer as part of how to negotiate later on.
I am not immediately concerned with immediate divorce, as it takes a year of “desertion” on the simplest terms. I own my car and have my own credit. There is nothing shared, except his joint checking account (I don’t touch, its his). I have separate checking, etc, so it will be a blip on the screen from that standpoint. Lawyer costs will be about 5K, so will need to save for that also.
My only real “unknown” is the actual leaving, where to stay, and what happens if he just wont move on, such as not leaving the house, quitting his job, just not functioning and finding his place to stay? Remember we are older, and he aint no spring chicken anymore. I am concerned he may fall apart, and the burden will be on me, since I initiated it. My other concern is that the cell phone wont stop ringing, with begging, threats, tears, etc. I will have to set boundaries on what I can or cant take with this.
R-1 states he is going to be my strength and my wall, when the sh… storms come. We may visit each other frequently,and share weekends together, but I wont jump from one man to the other immediately. We live several states apart. I am independent, and don’t need to be taken care of, except emotionally for now. I am thinking that I will be making my move in the spring or summer this year. My job is less intense and I can take absences longer, after the spring, if needed, as i have lots of vacation time to take. I remain as is, for now.
R-1 talks of taking several weeks vacation with me, to the most romantic place of Bora Bora, Tahiti for my mental and emotional health when the time comes.( He aint rich, but states he would spend his last dime to show his love). He never pressures and gives no ultimatums, just wants me to be happy. He deeply understands my fears and feels a little compassion for his old friend R-2_), and wishes him no harm. He just wants to love me in ways I have never been used to. He is enchanting and so excessively in love with me, it blows me away. I have deep love for him and his gentle, sweet ways. Never had that before, always some macho “posturing” from the men I dated before marrying again.
Once I burned my candle at both ends after my childhood divorce, I see that I had always thought his(R-1) kind ways were boring. We are now older by 4 decades, and this is my heart’s desire- to live in peace and be adored and cherished by R-1.
I have had 2 years to figure if this was a fantasy, a lie or other delusion on my part or his. It is not, it is an enchanted and deeply spiritual connection between us, and we want to be happy, for the time we have left on this earth..

Our wedding anniversary was yesterday, and he had sent me an anniversary card with 2/4/1974 in the corner, as he has always said he never forgot me ever. He says he hopes to have a new lifetime with me, for the years we have left. I also received flowers today – 40 deep pink roses, and 1 white one. I was home alone, so it was fine. He told me it was for the last 40 years, and the white one was for the best, most perfect year of his life being married to me. Corny, but intoxicating, coming from his mouth. I kept the white rose, and took the rest to the nursing home nearby, to have them give to the ladies in the rest home. I know he spent about $300 on this, what a silly but wonderful man. He isn’t angry that i sent it away, he knows and understands and knew I had to do something with them.. He just wanted me to have a concrete tangible expression of his deep desire to be with me. Sigh……what a story, huh?
Nan, she ran, into his arms……………smile…..