Vic…

Much of what you wrote resonates with me as well as my upbringing was so horrific that I wished one of 2 things happened: (1) that I was not born at all, or (2) that I was born when I was 16 years old because that is when I went out on my own. Obviously neither of those 2 wishes came true, which I am very grateful for. Growing up as a kid I felt different as well because, as a kid growing up, I always wondered why I wasn’t picked to be on a team in dodge ball, always picked last as usual. I wondered why it was that I too grew up with a narcissistic abusive step-dad. He was never without a list of insulting names for me. My friends are VERY few by my choosing. I would much rather have fewer friends with quality character, honesty, and integrity. When I was in elementary school, after summer the teacher asked us what we did during the summer. I heard answers such as, “me and my dad did this” or “my family took me and my brothers/sisters there” or “we went to Hawaii and had fun,” etc. When it came to be my turn to answer the teacher, I lied. I said things like, “my dad took me fishing” which never happened. I said things like, “my dad took me to a ball game” or ” my dad and I played catch,” both of which neither happened. I lied because I didn’t want the class to make fun of me when I said the truth…that I got beat/slapped regularly for things I never did. I was never allowed to go out to play with the neighborhood kids. I had to sneak out to do that. When I did get caught and was asked why I went against his orders to stay inside I told him it was because I wanted to play with what few friends I did have. As a result I was beaten with a belt and forced to stay inside fora week. So is it really a wonder, that you and I are loners? The girlfriend breakups I endured…every single one was initiated by the girlfriend. And it wasn’t because I was a crappy b/f  or did bad things to her, or cheated, none of which I am not capable of doing. It was because they found someone better, cuter, richer, whatever. To be loved? What does that mean? For me that meant that I had to wait for something real to happen as only life can offer. Feeling like a failure? That should have been my name on my various ID’s. But your post is full of pain that I actually feel the sadness. Having said that please allow me to offer my opinion that I am VERY interested in hearing your thoughts on.

When I was old enough to process all this, when I was old enough to see the truth, I realized that what happened to me was a reflection of who they were inside, as much as that sounds cliché, it is very real. Yet in order for those people to deal with the demons they feed, they have an endless supply of justification and blame. It was so much easier for them to punish me for who they were. I feel the same is true with you Vic. For a long time I too felt lost. But later, after must thought and searching, I realized I was not lost because I could go everywhere there is to go. So can you Victoria. I would like to offer to you, to not look at it as being lost. Look at it as being detached from that environment that is manipulated by people who embrace the hurt inside themselves. Look at this as you being in a very large room with a HUGE mess. Then one day you had enough and decided to free yourself from this mess and go outside. Then what you see after going outside is an endless possibility of going where you want and being who you want to be, no shame, no blame, no hate or guilt. It’s just you and the love you found for you. I tell people this all the time, when they say they felt as thought they hit the proverbial ceiling that prevents them from moving up in life. I say to them, and to you as well, tonight, when the stars are all out, go outside and look at the stars, and there you will see your ceiling. Cut loose from the noose Vic. Go wherever it is that you want to go, be who you wish to be. It matters not what your family says to you anymore. What matters is that you realize that they will continue to be who they are and you shall realize that what they say, what they do, is not who you are. What matters is that you be you, as loving and caring that I KNOW you are. There is a myth that continues to be nurtured by society. That is, we should always stand by our parents/family NO MATTER what they say or do. What a bunch of BS. But I want you to consider perhaps thinking about something that I learned. My step-dad was the most evil person I knew. Yet he gave me one very important lesson that I shall forever be indebted to him for. That is how not to be-like him. Your life is yours Vic. Live it. Go get it. Take it. It’s all yours.

I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer, Vic. For an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the very least you deserve.

Pearce Hawk

Dear Vic:

It is clear to me that your next choice has to include no longer living with your mother. Leaving “the old family house” would be a first priority for me, if I was in your place. Feeling suffocated and living with a woman who at least  was in the habit of calling you “very hurtful names’, living in a house rich with history of fighting and turmoil, is not a place where you can think your best and plan a reasonable life.

anita