fbpx
Menu

Disappointment, abuse, and loss

HomeForumsTough TimesDisappointment, abuse, and loss

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #157424
    Victoria B
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Where to begin…

    Well, all my life I have always felt like an ‘outsider’, different from the ‘rest’ of the kids growing up. As a kid, I grew up in an unstable family environment; endured emotional abuse from my mother and father, and, also witnessed physical abuse happen to my sister (even though my father denies this happening). Family conflict and arguments continued for years. I did not feel loved enough by my mother (quite traditional and stubborn in nature), she would call me very hurtful names and tell me what ‘I should do’ from the age of 18. I feel exhausted.

    Last year, at the age of 20, my long term boyfriend broke things off with me because he could not deal with my severe depression and family. I dropped out of my university degree (two years into). And my parents went through more arguments which led to the final divorce. All of this happened in the space of a month in 2016. And was by far the worst year of my life. I felt severly depressed, anxious, lost, confused and dissapointed.

    Now, it been exactly one year since this event happen. I am still feeling lost. Like I am still searching for that sense of belonging, I never found. I am currently working as a Barista for the time being until I decide what I really want to do as a future career. The thought of going back to univeristy doesn’t completely excite me. I feel particularly drawn to explore new opportunities, like moving away from Perth (AUS) to Dublin (IRE). I feel a strong pull to be there from my intuition. BUT, I feel it is neccessary for me to get some type of qualification before I make this happen. Well, at least my mother thinks so.

    There is just so many thoughts floating around in my mind at the moment. I feel like a failure. I feel like I have lost my old self. I feel I can not trust anyone. I am a loner. I don’t have any friends. I feel different. Why am I different?

    From loosing; my long-term ex boyfriend, all my ‘friends’ (back stabbing and betrayl), my fathers commitment and support, and most of all… my Self.

    I feel like I have suffered and endured so much pain in my past that I really don’t know what it would be like to choose to live a life on my own terms. Most specifically, the thought of me being 25 and JUST graduated from the same university as I was previosuly at and in the same city, causes dissatifaction. This makes me hesitant to make a decision – as to what I am going to do. Because, the thing that always crosses my mind is being there – in Ireland.

    I still feel suffocated in a way living in the old family house with just my mother and younger sister. My mother does not hesitate to let me know of her dissaproval of my actions. I feel constantly judged. She wants to know every detail about my where abouts because ‘she cares’. I feel suffocated. I have to lie to her where I am going sometimes because of this.

    I am not financially stable to make my big move yet, overseas…

    I need more confidence and optimism that things will start to finally work out for me, once and for all.

    I pray to God for His help and guidance.

    Any supportive advice and comments would be greatly appreciated! <3

    Vic.

     

     

     

    #157472
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Vic…

    Much of what you wrote resonates with me as well as my upbringing was so horrific that I wished one of 2 things happened: (1) that I was not born at all, or (2) that I was born when I was 16 years old because that is when I went out on my own. Obviously neither of those 2 wishes came true, which I am very grateful for. Growing up as a kid I felt different as well because, as a kid growing up, I always wondered why I wasn’t picked to be on a team in dodge ball, always picked last as usual. I wondered why it was that I too grew up with a narcissistic abusive step-dad. He was never without a list of insulting names for me. My friends are VERY few by my choosing. I would much rather have fewer friends with quality character, honesty, and integrity. When I was in elementary school, after summer the teacher asked us what we did during the summer. I heard answers such as, “me and my dad did this” or “my family took me and my brothers/sisters there” or “we went to Hawaii and had fun,” etc. When it came to be my turn to answer the teacher, I lied. I said things like, “my dad took me fishing” which never happened. I said things like, “my dad took me to a ball game” or ” my dad and I played catch,” both of which neither happened. I lied because I didn’t want the class to make fun of me when I said the truth…that I got beat/slapped regularly for things I never did. I was never allowed to go out to play with the neighborhood kids. I had to sneak out to do that. When I did get caught and was asked why I went against his orders to stay inside I told him it was because I wanted to play with what few friends I did have. As a result I was beaten with a belt and forced to stay inside fora week. So is it really a wonder, that you and I are loners? The girlfriend breakups I endured…every single one was initiated by the girlfriend. And it wasn’t because I was a crappy b/f  or did bad things to her, or cheated, none of which I am not capable of doing. It was because they found someone better, cuter, richer, whatever. To be loved? What does that mean? For me that meant that I had to wait for something real to happen as only life can offer. Feeling like a failure? That should have been my name on my various ID’s. But your post is full of pain that I actually feel the sadness. Having said that please allow me to offer my opinion that I am VERY interested in hearing your thoughts on.

    When I was old enough to process all this, when I was old enough to see the truth, I realized that what happened to me was a reflection of who they were inside, as much as that sounds cliché, it is very real. Yet in order for those people to deal with the demons they feed, they have an endless supply of justification and blame. It was so much easier for them to punish me for who they were. I feel the same is true with you Vic. For a long time I too felt lost. But later, after must thought and searching, I realized I was not lost because I could go everywhere there is to go. So can you Victoria. I would like to offer to you, to not look at it as being lost. Look at it as being detached from that environment that is manipulated by people who embrace the hurt inside themselves. Look at this as you being in a very large room with a HUGE mess. Then one day you had enough and decided to free yourself from this mess and go outside. Then what you see after going outside is an endless possibility of going where you want and being who you want to be, no shame, no blame, no hate or guilt. It’s just you and the love you found for you. I tell people this all the time, when they say they felt as thought they hit the proverbial ceiling that prevents them from moving up in life. I say to them, and to you as well, tonight, when the stars are all out, go outside and look at the stars, and there you will see your ceiling. Cut loose from the noose Vic. Go wherever it is that you want to go, be who you wish to be. It matters not what your family says to you anymore. What matters is that you realize that they will continue to be who they are and you shall realize that what they say, what they do, is not who you are. What matters is that you be you, as loving and caring that I KNOW you are. There is a myth that continues to be nurtured by society. That is, we should always stand by our parents/family NO MATTER what they say or do. What a bunch of BS. But I want you to consider perhaps thinking about something that I learned. My step-dad was the most evil person I knew. Yet he gave me one very important lesson that I shall forever be indebted to him for. That is how not to be-like him. Your life is yours Vic. Live it. Go get it. Take it. It’s all yours.

    I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer, Vic. For an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the very least you deserve.

    Pearce Hawk

     

     

    #157564
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Vic,

    Maybe there is a balance in there. Maybe you can go to Ireland but in the meantime while you save to do that you can take a couple college classes to earn credits toward a career you want working in a job you love. Or if you don’t want to go back to college perhaps you can gain skills interning or volunteering to begin working up the career ladder in a job that doesn’t require a degree. I think the main thing is to focus on progress, on hope. You can create possibilities instead of thinking about the things you want to change. I like to make a list of things I want to change about myself, choose one, and then create a list of steps toward achieving that. Taking that first step can be a great feeling, and focusing on progress at the end of the day is a lot better than thinking about regrets or old memories.

    Another piece of advice I thought might help is that our attitude shapes a lot of how we perceive the world. I used to go into social situations not really want to be there, but now before I talk to someone I try to remember to imagine your favorite memory or happiest thought. I noticed when my attitude is more optimistic, the world seems a little brighter, instead of adding all this darkness in when we linger over the past, which we can do nothing to change.

    #157702
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vic:

    It is clear to me that your next choice has to include no longer living with your mother. Leaving “the old family house” would be a first priority for me, if I was in your place. Feeling suffocated and living with a woman who at least  was in the habit of calling you “very hurtful names’, living in a house rich with history of fighting and turmoil, is not a place where you can think your best and plan a reasonable life.

    anita

Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.