Hi Daniel:

I have been reading your posts, and although I am quite a bit older than you..I share very similar issues. I have a very difficult time with relationships due to a very neglectful and traumatic childhood.

An Alcoholic mother that would leave us alone, and although my Father loved me, he was physically and emotionally distant. He tried so hard to help my mother, but he had to travel so much for work, he had no idea when he left, the horror our mother put us through. Finally, the courts took the children away from her.

By that time, I was six and was raised by a living family, but the damage had already been done and continues to haunt me in my adult life. I am in therapy, have mental illness and am in two 12 step recovery programs..still I gravitate toward turbulant, chaotic, short lived relationships, and when they end..I obsess and think about that person for months, maybe years. Then I joined social media sites..where men would want to friend me. I enjoyed the flattery and attention..but most of these men lived in different countries..I knew I would never meet them..maybe they were even catphishing me..I just enjoyed the feeling of intensity and being in love. I didn’t care if the relationship was healthyor not, because I am still trying to learn what a healthy relationship is.

All I know is chaos, instability, intensity, from my childhood. I have an intense fear of rejection and perceived abandonment, and if I feel someone is distancing themselves, I will reject them first..out of fear. Its a sad way to live, but I keep working hard on my issues and therapy, and hope to one day have a stable and healthy relationship. Last September, I met yet, another man online. I fell so hard for him. I thought there was a future..or just idealized him. Then bickering started..jealousy on my part when he would friendother women and keep me hidden” on his profile, like he was embarrassed of me..me as I was quite a bit older than him, although I don’t look my age.

He started growing distant toward me, and would go all day without talking to me except love you baby. I don’t think he ever loved me. To this day, I can’t get him out of my head. I know things would not work out, and I don’t want him back..but I feel nostalgic..and sometimes feel angry with him, because I know he was just using me to get to the states. I just miss the feelings I had when I was with him..the feelings of being “in love” I know he was not even probably romantically or physically interested in me. I get mad at myself about how stupid I was to fall for someone who was so awful to me, but that is all I am used to..crumbs. With God’s help, and my recovery..I hope to continue to heal, get over him, and be happy once again.