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Do I let this friendship go or Do I Struggle through it?

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  • April 19, 2019 at 3:30 am #289711
    Thomas
    Participant

    So I’m the type of the person who doesn’t like leaving things to lie, I like closure in my life and I the feeling of knowing ive finished something and seen it through to the end so with this friendship these are my reasons for wanting to call it a day and cutting the person out but also the reasons for wanting to work something out with them as they do mean a great deal to me and I miss our friendship:

     

    Why should the friendship end?

     

    1) Makes me feel anxious, nervous & uneasy.

    2) Doesn’t really have a laugh or any banter with me.

    3) Anytime I try to hang out with you. You either say no or say you’ll get back to me and you never do. You seem reluctant in spending any time with me or even getting to know me.

    4) I feel like you’re stringing me along and messing with my head, one minute you want to be mates and then the next you dont.

    5) You don’t respect me. Can’t be honest with me.

    6) I just feel like you don’t actually like me or care about me. Tried really hard to a be friend to you cause I am desperate for a friendship with as you know.

     

    Why I should keep the friendship?

     

    1) I enjoy your chat and like chatting to you about travelling, sports, drinking, hiking etc.

    2) When we hang out and everything is cool we generally have fun and I have a good time.

    3) You’re a really nice guy and always good for giving a advice and a positive person to chat to

    4) you’re like the big brother I never had but always wanted, always look out for me and want the best for me in whatever I do

    5) We’ve got a lot in common: we both like to travel, both enjoy our sports, both like to hike and go hill walking, like our dogs and we both like to go drinking.

     

    April 19, 2019 at 4:23 am #289713
    Thomas
    Participant

    Also to add, I feel like I can’t focus on other friendships or building new ones with this issue. Something has got to give for me here as I feel emotionally drained by this person and can’t really put time into other people. I do really care about this person, they mean a lot to me and I do miss the friendship however there’s only so much I can do to fix this & it takes two to tango, can’t work on building a friendship by myself.

    April 19, 2019 at 4:58 am #289717
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Thomas,

    What would happen if you dropped the rope? Let him call and try to get together with YOU!

    The next time you run into him say, “Hey, buddy, where’ve you been? Call me sometime!”

    This subtly puts you in the power position, implying HE has to do some (all?) of the work towards this friendship now.

    And closure? No one can give us closure. Only WE can give ourselves closure.

    Hope this helps!

    Inky

    April 19, 2019 at 5:36 am #289719
    Thomas
    Participant

    @Inky

    yeah maybe closure isn’t the right word. Guess I kinda feel like he wouldn’t follow up but that begs the question what kind of friendship it is then? He’s also just got let go from his job this week so trying to support him as much as I can but obviously I have own feelings and this has been building up for a month now, Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Doesn’t say much about me as a friend if I just leave him to own devices when he’s just lost his job does it? :/

     

    April 19, 2019 at 5:43 am #289721
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    Answer yourself this question honestly: If you lost your job, would he contact YOU?

    Sometimes we all need “little hurts” to get us to where we need to be.

    If he lost his job and is wondering where all his friends (or just you) are, a rogue thought, “Maybe I should have treated them better” should cross his mind. GOOD!

    So knowing this, the next time you run into him, say, “Hey buddy, how’s the job search going? Let me know if I can be of any help!”

    Inky

    April 19, 2019 at 12:06 pm #289795
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Thomas:

    Having read about this friendship in your previous thread, I vote for you to end the friendship and contact with him for this reason: the friendship makes you “feel anxious, nervous & uneasy” and you feel “emotionally drained by this person and can’t really put time into other people”-

    – you are so anxious, nervous, uneasy and drained that you don’t have the presence of mind to meaningfully interact with other people. This is not  a good thing. Take care of yourself and eliminate the source of this distress in your life.

    The list of positives that you made don’t make it worth it for you. I think this guy has become an obsession  in your mind and life. To recover from this obsession you need a mutual understanding with him that there will be absolutely no contact with him, either for a certain length of time or forevermore.

    What do you think?

    anita

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